Jon Lovitz credited as playing...
Richard Clark
- Principal Evelyn Doyle: Around here, they call me "Mr. A."
- Richard Clark: "Mister?"
- Principal Evelyn Doyle: I inherited the business from my late husband.
- Richard Clark: Well, I'm shocked!
- Principal Evelyn Doyle: What? That a woman can run a business?
- Richard Clark: No. That you were ever married.
- [Alcohol is poured into Richard Clark's coffee cup by a burned-out looking alcoholic teacher]
- Richard Clark: Isn't it a little early to start drinking?
- Woman: Who stops?
- Principal Evelyn Doyle: What the hell's going on here?
- Victoria Chapell: I was attacked.
- Principal Evelyn Doyle: Dressed like that, what do you expect And alone with him?
- Richard Clark: It wasn't just me. There were three of us.
- Principal Evelyn Doyle: Oh. That makes it all better.
- Richard Clark: No, no. I was wrestling with the other guy. He was trying to have sex with her.
- Principal Evelyn Doyle: I don't care what your arrangement was or how it went wrong! Now you listen to me, Clark. Either you shape up or I'll bounce you out of here faster than a homo at Fort Dix!
- [Julie is pregnant with her third child]
- Richard Clark: Well, Julie I hoped you learned a valuable lesson from this.
- Julie Rubels: Oh, yes. Basically as far as vasectomies go, never use the home kit.
- [During drug bust]
- Principal Evelyn Doyle: What exactly is she doing here?
- Richard Clark: She's my bitch!
- [Victoria stares at Richard incredulously; Doyle stares at both of them blankly]
- Richard Clark: Well... my significant other. We've been slappin' skins for quite some time, hmmmm?
- Victoria Chapell: Remember, some things are irreplaceable
- Richard Clark: Irreplaceable? Nothings gonna happen to me.
- [Richard drives away]
- Victoria Chapell: I was talking about my car!
- Mrs. McReynolds: [Griff has graduated] Way to go Griff that's my boy!
- Mrs. Clark: [She taps Mrs. McReynolds on the shoulder and then points at Richard] That's *my* boy
- Richard Clark: Victoria, could you give me a ride home? I seem to have misplaced my car.
- Victoria Chapell: Oh, don't worry about it. All the teachers lose their car on their first day.
- Richard Clark: I've never been very good with relationships. In fact, most of mine ended with "Hey, what are you doing in bed with that other woman?" And that was me talking!
- Thaddeus Clark: Richard, if you do this, you will fail. You... will... fail! And mark my works, you'll come crawling back here with your tail between your legs!
- Richard Clark: You're wrong, father. I'm gonna succeed at Barry High School. And, I have no intention of ever crawling back here with anything between my legs!
- Victoria Chapell: [referring to Paco's entry into a school dance, even though it's not his school] Paco's gang always gets into other school dances, and they bring weapons to them
- Richard Clark: What kind of people bring weapons to a dance?
- [Anferney and all his friends nearby put their hands in their coats, and you hear guns cocking]
- Richard Clark: Why would I have his briefcase unless I was workin' for him?
- Principal Evelyn Doyle: That's doesn't prove anything. You could have seen him down in the restaurant, dressed up like a waiter, created some kind of diversion while she snatched it from under the table.
- Richard Clark: [Swallows toothpick] That's a little farfetched, don't you think?
- [During drug bust]
- Hulk: False alarm. Some idiot put a gun in the microwave
- [Principal Evelyn Doyle stares at Richard Clark. Richard swallows the blue ball]
- Principal Evelyn Doyle: Good stuff huh?
- [Richard Clark finishes swallowing the blue ball]
- Principal Evelyn Doyle: So what have you got to say for yourself?
- Richard Clark: Nothing really. Except it's going to be an interesting morning tomorrow after my coffee. I'm going to need at least two magazines.
- Richard Clark: I'm Richard Clark, I'm the new history teacher here. What department do you teach in?
- Teacher: I don't know, something up on the third floor.
- Richard Clark: Listen, Griff, I'll make you a deal. You help me get these kids to learn and I promise you, I will do everything in my power to get you into college.
- Griff McReynolds: Don't try to play me, Mr. Clark. I've been promised stuff before that hasn't come true. I'm saying, where would I get the money for college from?
- Richard Clark: You ever hear of scholarships?
- Griff McReynolds: [Excitedly] Yeah!
- Richard Clark: Well, you probably won't get any of those.
- Richard Clark: Where the hell's our waiter?
- Richard Clark: Good evening, gentlemen and welcome to Mr. A's fine dining establishment. I'm Zack. I'll be your waiter this evening, and this is my trainee, Paula. I'm an Aries. I enjoy water sports and dancing. And my hobbies are origami...
- Mr. DeMarco: Enough small talk. Just bring us two thick T-bones.
- Richard Clark: Yes, sir. Would you like those with or without the bones?
- Mr. DeMarco: And a couple of glasses of water.
- Richard Clark: All right. Let me tell you about our water then. It comes from the Los Angeles aqueduct, where it flows down a lovely cement channel on a bed of...
- Mr. DeMarco: I don't care where it came from. Just bring it to us.
- Victoria Chapell: [Taking a cart of deserts from another watier] I'll take that. It's his birthday. Would anyone care for some desserts this evening?
- Mr. DeMarco: Look, you little weasel. Just bring us what we asked for. Unless you want me to stick this bread stick up your ass.
- Richard Clark: It sure would taste better if you didn't. You might want to try buttering it first.