Mark McKinney credited as playing...
Simon • Don Roritor • Cabbie • Gunther • Cop #1 • Nina Bedford • Melanie • Drill Sergeant • White Trash Woman
- Wally's wife: Were the handcuffs totally necessary, officer?
- Cop: Well, actually, that was your husband's idea.
- White Trash Man: Baby... get in the vehicle, baby!
- White Trash Woman: I'm not getting in that vehicle!
- White Trash Man: Baby, this is my gift to you!
- White Trash Woman: What? Gift? That's not a gift, you freakin' stole this!
- White Trash Man: I stole it to make it up to you, baby.
- White Trash Woman: [sobbing] Well, tell me this, then - how could you sleep with my best friend and then tell me about it?
- White Trash Man: Sure I told you about it, baby, but don't shoot the messenger!
- Cop #1: Hey, didya see that, uh, Nina Bedford show this morning?
- Cop #2: Yeah, that uh... thing about toast-fucking.
- Cop #1: ...toast-fucking?
- Cop #2: Yeah - it's the new thing where you fuck or get fucked with toast.
- Cop #1: No, the... the show this morning was about that new drug.
- Cop #2: Oh. Must have been a dream I had.
- Don Roritor: Can I get you anything else? Grappa, wine, cappuccino, tickets to a Lakers game?
- Dr. Chris Cooper: No, thanks.
- Don Roritor: Are you sure? What about cheesecake? Double-A batteries? Land in Montana?
- Dr. Chris Cooper: No, thank you.
- Don Roritor: I offer you these, but they'll be yours anyway. Do you understand?
- Scientist: I've invented a pill that gives worms to ex-girlfriends.
- Don: Uh, right, and what's positive about that?
- Scientist: Well, it's a pill that gives worms to ex-girlfriends.
- Don: Couldn't it also give worms to ex-boyfriends?
- Scientist: This is a drug... for the world... to give worms to ex-girlfriends.
- Don: Well, great. Thanks for stopping by.
- Scientist: You just don't get it here! Huhoooo!
- Cabbie: When I was a little boy, my mother used to sing me a song. It went like this: "Life is short, life is shit, and soon it will be over."
- Cisco: Okay, I was driving around last night in my sixty-two thousand dollar car. And I was trying to think of a name for the drug, then it hit me.
- Don Roritor: The name?
- Cisco: No a bird, it hit my windshield. When that happened, I got depressed.
- Natalie: Not you, Cisco!
- Cisco: Yeah, even me. But as soon as I got depressed, I got undepressed. 'Cause as I was cleaning the gleaming guts of that bird off my car, I thought of a name for the drug - Gleemonex. The slogan - Gleemonex makes it feel like it seventy-two degrees in your head... all... the... time!
- Drill sergeant: You... are... scum! Do you hear me soldier?
- Wally: Yes, sir!
- Drill sergeant: Do you know what we are going to be doing today?
- Wally: No, sir!
- Drill sergeant: We are going to be doing push-ups all day, you and me, all day!
- [Wally smiles]
- Drill sergeant: Do you think that's funny soldier?
- Wally: No, sir!
- Drill sergeant: Well, just for that, you are going to be doing those push-ups with me lying on your back! You are going to discover muscles, you never knew you had! Big... muscles, hard... muscles!
- Wally: Oh, yesss, sir!
- Cabbie: So what does this whole story mean? The only way to be happy is to know you won't be happy every single day. Lalalalalala. It sounds better in the original Croatian.
- Cop: And may I say I think it's a damn shame your husband's out cruising for gay sex when he has a piece of fine-ass woman like you at home?
- Wally's wife: Well... thanks, I guess.
- [last lines]
- Cabbie: So there go, you have your happy ending. Now get out! Because nowhere on your ticket does it say that you can sleep here!
- Don Roritor: Your drug is effectively changing the world for the better. It's important that you know that. Have you heard that crack is gone? Crime is down... and oddly enough, so is tourism.
- Psychiatrist: I'm sorry, I don't speak German.
- Depressed German: [subtitled] The nipples of mother fortune have run dry...
- [Wally's squad is watching naked men shower]
- Drill sergeant: [to Wally] You go over there and Fuck 'em. We'll stay here and Masturbate. Go, go, go!
- Cabbie: There's an old Romanian folksong my Grandma used to sing to me. It goes: Life is short and life is shit and soon it will be over!