Phil Hartman credited as playing...
Ted Maltin
- Ted: Howard, they say it might get icy later. You might wanna wrap some chains around those tires.
- Howard Langston: [muttered to him softly as he drives backwards] Maybe I should wrap some chains around you.
- Ted: What?
- Ted: [when an attempt to flirt with Liz ends with her hitting him over the face with a jug of eggnog causing it to splatter him] Well... that didn't exactly go as well as I'd hoped.
- [Howard is trying to reach his wife on the phone, but Ted is over and answers]
- Howard Langston: Can I talk to my wife?
- Ted: I think she's in the shower, Howard.
- [with a fresh attitude]
- Ted: Do you want me to go check?
- Howard Langston: NO! I mean, no. That's fine. On your way out, tell her I will be a few minutes late. But she shouldn't worry.
- Ted Maltin: Howard, I'm of the mind set you can never do too much to make a child's Christmas magical.
- [on the day before Christmas Eve, after having failed to make it to his son's karate class, Howard has just gotten home, and got out of his car, and in kind of a guilty mood, starts heading towards his house]
- Ted Maltin: [from Howard's roof] Hey, neighbor!
- Howard Langston: Ted, what the hell are you doing on my roof?
- Ted Maltin: What's Ted doing on your roof?
- [we suddenly see him light up the whole house]
- Ted Maltin: Ta-da! I had some extra lights in the garage, and since you didn't put up any yourself, I just thought "What the hey?" Why not spread a bit of Christmas cheer around the neighborhood?
- Howard Langston: [sarcastically] Gee, Ted, how thoughtful!
- Ted Maltin: Hey! I'm sorry you missed the karate class today, but don't worry, I got it all on video for you.
- Howard Langston: [sarcastically] What would I do without you?
- [In a friendly tone, Howard tries to pet Ted's reindeer, and the reindeer tries to attack Howard's hand]
- Ted Maltin: Wow, that's odd. Reindeer are usually such gentle animals. There must be something about you he doesn't like! Aftershave or something.
- [after Howard looks at Liz and Ted outside, they see Howard inside Ted's living room]
- Liz: Howard?
- Howard Langston: [waving sheepishly to them] Hi!
- [Liz and Ted go inside Ted's house]
- Howard Langston: Uh-oh.
- [Howard exclaims, stomping his fire out, Liz and Ted enter his living room, coughing]
- Liz: What are you doing?
- Howard Langston: I, uh...
- Liz: What's that?
- [Howard looks at Johnny's gift, gasps. Ted grabs his Turbo Man present and sees Johnny's name as the doll says "You can always count on me!"]
- Ted Maltin: *That* is Johnny's Turbo Man.
- Liz: What?
- Howard Langston: It's not what you think it is.
- Liz: Oh, it isn't? Really? Then do tell me what it is. Because as far as I know, you got Jamie his own Turbo Man weeks ago. What it looks like is that you've broke into our neighbor's house and you're stealing presents from under the tree.
- Howard Langston: Look, Liz. If you would give me a second, I can explain it to you. I know parts of this are going sounds completely ridiculous. But, let me tell you the truth.
- Liz: Howard, I've been listening to your version of the truth for far too long now and honestly, I don't want to anymore. All I want is to salvage what's left to Christmas Eve and go to the parade with my son.
- Howard Langston: Liz, please!
- Liz: [turns to him] Ted, would you drive us?
- Ted Maltin: Of course.
- [Liz and Ted leave and he turns to him]
- Ted Maltin: You can't bench-press your way out of this one.
- [leaving with Liz]