Pam Ferris credited as playing...
Trunchbull
- Agatha Trunchbull: I cannot for the life of me understand why small children take so long to grow up. I think they do it deliberately, just to annoy me.
- Agatha Trunchbull: [pointing her riding crop at Amanda] Can you spell?
- Amanda Thripp: Miss Honey taught us how to spell a long word yesterday. We can spell "difficulty".
- Agatha Trunchbull: You couldn't spell "difficulty" if your life depended on it.
- Amanda Thripp: She taught us with a poem.
- Agatha Trunchbull: [mimicking Amanda with a high-pitched tone] A poem? How sweet. What poem would that be?
- Amanda Thripp: Mrs. D, Mrs. I...
- [everyone in the room except Miss Trunchbull and Miss Honey join in]
- Amanda Thripp: [chanting with the rest of the class] Mrs. F-F-I. Mrs. C, Mrs. U, Mrs. L-T-Y!
- Agatha Trunchbull: [strikes a desktop with her riding crop and all the children instantly face forward] WHY ARE ALL THESE WOMEN MARRIED?
- [moves between the desks]
- Agatha Trunchbull: Mrs. D? Mrs. I? You're supposed to be teaching SPELLING, not poetry!
- [whacks the desk again with her riding crop]
- Agatha Trunchbull: I need a car, inexpensive but reliable. Can you service me?
- Harry Wormwood: In a manner of speaking, yes. Uh, welcome to Wormwood Motors. Harry Wormwood, owner, founder, whatever.
- Agatha Trunchbull: Agatha Trunchbull, principal, Crunchem Hall Elementary School.
- Harry Wormwood: Huh.
- Agatha Trunchbull: I warn you, sir, I want a tight car, because I run a tight ship.
- Harry Wormwood: Oh yeah, huh, well, uh...
- Agatha Trunchbull: My school is a model of discipline! Use the rod, beat the child, that's my motto.
- Harry Wormwood: Terrific motto!
- Agatha Trunchbull: You have brats yourself?
- Harry Wormwood: Yeah, I got a boy, Mikey, and one mis-*take*, Matilda.
- Agatha Trunchbull: They're all mistakes, children! Filthy, nasty things. Glad I never was one.
- [Miss Trunchbull has accused Matilda of going into her house]
- Jenny: Miss Trunchbull, I was the one who was at your house last night, and I think...
- Agatha Trunchbull: [grabbing and clenching Miss Honey's wrist very tightly in her fist] I broke your arm once before; I can do it again, Jenny.
- Jenny: [suddenly mad, she briskly releases her arm from Miss Trunchbull's grip with her free hand] I am *not* seven years old anymore, Aunt Trunchbull!
- [the class gasps]
- Agatha Trunchbull: Shut your mouths!
- Agatha Trunchbull: [accusing Matilda of putting a newt in her drinking water] You didn't like the chokey, did you? Thought you'd pay me back, didn't you? Well, I'll pay you back, young lady.
- Matilda: For what, Miss Trunchbull?
- Agatha Trunchbull: For this newt, you piss-worm!
- Matilda: I'm telling you, I didn't do it!
- Agatha Trunchbull: Besides, even if you didn't do it, I'm going to punish you, because I'm big and you're small, I'm right and you're wrong, and there's nothing you can do about it!
- Agatha Trunchbull: Useless, flamin' car! Wormwood! Sell me a lemon? You're heading for the chokey, young lady!
- Matilda: Chokey?
- Agatha Trunchbull: Teach you a lesson!
- Matilda: What lesson?
- Agatha Trunchbull: You and your father think you can make a fool out of me!
- Matilda: My father?
- Agatha Trunchbull: The guy with the stupid haircut!
- Matilda: I'm nothing like my father.
- Agatha Trunchbull: You're the spitting image. The apple never rots far from the tree!
- Agatha Trunchbull: [speaking to Matilda about her and her father] You're a liar and a scoundrel, and your father's a liar and a cheat, one of the most corrupt lowlifes in the history of civilization! Am I wrong? I'm never wrong!
- Agatha Trunchbull: Amanda Thripp!
- Amanda Thripp: Yes, Miss Trunchbull?
- Agatha Trunchbull: What are those?
- Amanda Thripp: What's what, Ms. Trunchbull?
- Agatha Trunchbull: Hanging down by your ears.
- Amanda Thripp: You mean my pigtails?
- Agatha Trunchbull: Are you a pig, Amanda?
- Amanda Thripp: *No*, Ms. Trunchbull.
- Agatha Trunchbull: Do I allow pigs in my school?
- Amanda Thripp: My mommy thinks they're sweet.
- Agatha Trunchbull: [bends down] Your mommy... is a TWIT!
- Trunchbull: This boy, Bruce Bogtrotter, is none other than a vicious sneak thief! You're a disgusting criminal, aren't you?
- Bruce Bogtrotter: I don't know what you're talking about.
- Trunchbull: Cake. Chocolate cake. You slithered like a serpent into the school kitchen and ate MY PERSONAL SNACK!
- [cracks the riding crop on the table]
- Trunchbull: Do you deny it?
- [Bruce is silent]
- Trunchbull: Confess!
- Bruce Bogtrotter: Well it's hard for me to remember a specific cake.
- Trunchbull: This one was mine. And it was the most scrumptious cake in the entire world.
- Bruce Bogtrotter: My mom's is better.
- [All the children gasp]
- Trunchbull: It is, is it? How can you be sure unless you have another PIECE?
- [grabs him]
- Trunchbull: Sit down, Bog.
- Trunchbull: [on the phone, yells] Wormwood! You useless, used-car-salesman scum! I want you around here now with another car! Yes, I know what caveat emptor means, you lowlife liar! I'm gonna sue you, I'm gonna burn down your showroom! I'm gonna take that no-good jalopy you sold me and shove it up your bazooga! When I'm finished with you, you're gonna look like roadkill! You what? Oh, y -
- [she notices that the chocolate box lid is opened and hangs up]
- Harry Wormwood: Since you're an educator, I'll make you a deal.
- Agatha Trunchbull: You'd better.
- Harry Wormwood: Let's do business.
- Agatha Trunchbull: [her car has broken down] Come on, move you piece of junkyard fodder! Shift you...!
- Agatha Trunchbull: The distance the shotput goes, depends upon the effort that you PUT INTO IT. PERSPERATION! If you can't handle the little brat, I'LL LOCK HER IN THE CHOKEY!
- [she lunges the ball at the door, ultimately puncturing it immensely]
- Agatha Trunchbull: Get it?
- Jenny: [nods] Yes, ma'am.
- Agatha Trunchbull: One day Jen, you'll see that everything I do is for your own good. And for the good of those - PUTRESCENT LITTLE CHILDREN!
- [she shoves Jenny out of her office and slams the door after her]
- Agatha Trunchbull: [Jenny knocks on Ms. Trunchbull's door] Come in, come in, whoever you are.
- [Jenny enters Ms. Trunchbull's office and almost get struck by a dart]
- Agatha Trunchbull: I have never been able to understand why small children are so disgusting. They're the bane of my life. They're like insects: they should be got rid of as early as possible.
- [makes spraying gesture]
- Agatha Trunchbull: Psst! My idea of a perfect school is one in which there are no children... at all. Wouldn't you agree, Miss Honey?
- [Miss Honey briefly nods yes as she leaves to rescue Matilda from the Chokey]
- Agatha Trunchbull: [Talking about the cake] Smells chocolatey, eh? Now, eat it.
- Bruce 'Little Brucey: I don't want any, thank you.
- Agatha Trunchbull: EAT IT!
- Trunchbull: [loses it, to Matilda] You... will be put away in a place where not even the crows can land their droppings on you!