Eddie Murphy credited as playing...
Sherman Klump • Buddy Love • Lance Perkins • Papa Klump • Mama Klump • Grandma Klump • Ernie Klump
- Mama Klump: Sherman, I think I do remember hearing something on TV about colon cleansin'. They say everyone should have one. I'm thinkin' about gettin' me an appointment and go down and get my colon cleansed thoroughly.
- Papa Klump: You want your colon cleansed? Fine, I'm gonna clean mine.
- [lets a loud fart, and Ernie Klump Jr. laughs harder and harder]
- Papa Klump: There. Now my colon is clean. I'm talking squeaky clean.
- Mama Klump: Cletus, that is disgusting. We're tryin' to have a meal and you wanna start breaking gas. Don't break gas and destroy our meal.
- Papa Klump: Don't tell me to stop! You're the one that brought up colon cleansin' and all that mess!
- Mama Klump: I did not say anything about breakin' gas! I said I was going to get my colon cleaned.
- Papa Klump: Don't you talk about putting a tube up somebody's ass, but I can't break wind.
- Mama Klump: I didn't say nothing about putting no hose up nobody's ass. Cletus, I said...
- Papa Klump: What you think a colonic is? You think you're gonna run your asshole by the car wash?
- [Ernie Jr. starts choking from eating and out-of-control laughter]
- Mama Klump: You're choking the baby.
- Papa Klump: As long as I pay the bills, I do what I want at this table. Case in point.
- [lets another loud fart]
- Grandma Klump: Who's that calling my name?
- Mama Klump: Yeah, I'll call you up if your name is...
- [farts in finishing his sentence, then laughs in mockery]
- Grandma Klump: Keep insulting me.
- [picks up a knife]
- Grandma Klump: I'll toss this between the crack of your ass.
- Papa Klump: Yeah. You know, I can go all night.
- [lets another loud fart]
- Mama Klump: Keep farting. I hope you fart until your asshole falls out.
- [Cletus lets another fart, Ernie Sr laughs loudly and then Ernie Jr. manages to follow along]
- Mama Klump: Oh, my baby too!
- [Cletus lets another loud fart that this time sounds wet]
- Papa Klump: Oops! Now, see what you made me do?
- [starts running away clutching his pants]
- Papa Klump: Goddamn it, I messed up my pants!
- Ernie Klump: Damn, Daddy. You rotten.
- Mama Klump: You've got to clean 'em yourself!
- Grandma Klump: Come on, Cletus! It ain't nuthin' but a short walk. You might walk over, but you limpin' back! I ain't no easy win, nigga!
- Mama Klump: Cletus, come clean this garbage up.
- Papa Klump: Man, I'm watchin' TV!
- Grandma Klump: I'll kick your lazy ass up.
- Papa Klump: I told you, none of your damn business!
- Grandma Klump: You lazy mother...!
- Buddy Love: What's wrong with that breath? I can smell it over here! Reggie, your breath is so stinky, people look forward to your farts. Breath smells like shit! Do you smell shit?
- [sniffs]
- Buddy Love: I SMELL SHIT!
- [Sherman has bloated back into himself after being Buddy Love at the banquet]
- Sherman Klump: If you give me a moment, I believe I can try to explain. My research is, um... Well, I... When I started out, I wanted to help people. But then I became desperate and selfish. And what I did was wrong. Buddy's who I thought the whole world wanted me to be. He's who I thought I wanted to be. And sometimes when you want something so so bad, you'll do just about anything to get it. But I learned one thing from Buddy. I learned that life is not about being happy about how much you weigh, but just being happy with yourself. I'm terribly sorry about all of this, I hope I haven't ruined everybody's evening. Please excuse me.
- [to Carla]
- Sherman Klump: Sorry.
- Sherman Klump: The truth is, Carla, I'm a big man. Now I will lose weight, but I'm always gonna be big no matter what I do. So anyone I end up with is just going to have to accept me for who I am. More importantly, I'm going to have to accept *myself* for who I am.
- Buddy Love: [making fun of Reggie's hair] Reggie, I heard of dreadlocks, but shitlocks? That ain't you hair, man. Take that pile of shit off your head.
- [Cletus farting at dinner with his family and in front of Carla, Ernie Jr laughing]
- Grandma Klump: There you go again, popping off gas in front of this lovely young lady.
- Mama Klump: We're trying to have a meal, you want to put that break on your gas!
- Grandma Klump: Shame on you. I hope your ass turn into a frog.
- Papa Klump: She ain't that cute that I have to hold that gas in my ass!
- Mama Klump: Don't nobody want to hear your flatulence, Cletus Klump!
- [Cletus lets a fart]
- Mama Klump: You're such a disgrace!
- Papa Klump: I stopped holding my gas a long time ago, you know that?
- Mama Klump: Cletus, you're gonna spoil the dinner table at everybody!
- Papa Klump: You say one more word...
- Mama Klump: Look at how y'all influenced this baby.
- [Ernie Jr continues laughing and Sherman puts his hands on his head]
- Sherman Klump: I'm thin! I'm thin! Look at my cheekbones! I have cheekbones! Look at my cheekbones! Yes! Look at my chest! Look at my breasts! Oh, I don't have breasts! I'm an A cup! I don't even need a bra anymore! Oh, God! I'm thin, I'm thin, I'm thin! I'm thin, I'm thin, oh!
- [singing]
- Sherman Klump: Nothing but air there/Nothing but air there/My ass is gone now/I'm slim, slim, slim, slim--
- [looks down his pants]
- Sherman Klump: Well, I'll be damned. I can see my dick! My dick! My dick, my dick, my dick...
- Sherman Klump: Daddy, all I'm saying is that scientific breakthroughs are occurring all the time.
- Ernie Klump: The only thing that's 'bout to break through is your ass 'bout to break through the seat of your pants.
- Sherman Klump: I assure you, I will not let you down.
- Dean Richmond: You won't. I know you won't. As a matter of fact, I know you're going to be perfect! Do you know how I know all these things? I know them because if you're *not* perfect, never mind the yelling, the screaming and the firing. If anything goes wrong, for any reason
- [pause]
- Dean Richmond: I'm going to kill you. And I don't mean that as a euphemism, I am going to literally kill you. I'm going to strangle you and choke off your air supply until you pass away.
- Mama Klump: Cletus, the dog's ripped the garbage open again!
- Papa Klump: Well, shoot the damn dog!
- Mama Klump: I'm not shootin' no dog!
- Papa Klump: I'm tryin' to watch "Roseanne."
- Buddy Love: [touches her sexually] Is that a test tube in my pocket, or am I just happy to see you?
- Wellman College Alumni: [pushes away] Ugh! How dare you!
- Buddy Love: Oh, you know you love it. I felt your percolating.
- Buddy Love: Reggie's mother is so fat... her blood type is rocky road!
- [everyone cheers except Reggie]
- Buddy Love: Last one! Reggie's mother's so fat... HER BELT SIZE IS EQUATOR!
- [everyone except Reggie loudly roars with laughter]
- Buddy Love: [to Reggie] OK, fat jokes! You wanna do fat jokes?
- [Buddy stands up]
- Buddy Love: All right!
- [Buddy claps his hands once]
- Buddy Love: Your mother's so fat, the bitch needs Thomas Guide to find her asshole!
- [everyone in the room except Reggie roars with laughter]
- Buddy Love: All right! Wait, wait, wait, your mother's so fat, after sex I roll over twice, and I'm still on the bitch!
- [everyone except Reggie laughs louder]
- Buddy Love: [to Reggie] Your mother is so fat, she fell in the Grand Canyon and got stuck!
- [everyone except Reggie laughs even louder]
- Buddy Love: Reggie's mother's so fat, that the bitch gets her toenails painted at Earl Scheib!
- [everyone in the room, except Reggie roars with laughter. Buddy climbs onto the stage]
- Buddy Love: [walking past Reggie] Earl Scheib! At Earl SCHEIB!
- [laughs]
- Grandma Klump: [starts coughing heavily]
- Papa Klump: Everybody better cover your plate.
- Mama Klump: Here, Mama, have some water.
- Grandma Klump: Whatcha talkin' about, cover your plate? Not tonight, Cletus. I'll kick your ass.
- Professor Carla Purty: I just had to come over and introduce myself because I've been following your work for many years and I'm a big fan!
- Sherman Klump: Well, thank you very much! I'm fatter, er, *flattered* that you've been following my work the way you have.