Santa with Muscles

Okay, first things first. Upon renting or viewing any Hulk Hogan movie, one should never set their sights very high. You have the constants of bad acting, senseless and cartoonish violence, and groan-worthy puns. You can also pretty much expect a super-contrived happy ending. However, even taking these aspects for granted, Santa with Muscles still will leave you stunned. It isn't quite the worst movie I've ever seen (Manos, Hootch County, and Ninja Wars beat it there) but it's definitely down there.

The Hulkster stars as Blake Thorne, a big dumb prig with more money than he knows what to do with, so he spends his days playfully tormenting his house-servants. (The 'Stop and smell the roses!' line is a hoot!) Through a ludicrous turn of events, Blake gets amnesia and is convinced by a jerk named Lenny that he is the real Santa Claus. Hijinks, fistfights and eye-rolling sappiness ensue. Watch for two-count 'em-TWO instances of giant candy canes being used as weapons, a horrible song by Hulk and the little whiny girl, the equally stupid 'Blake's rules' and 'Santa's rules', and what is perhaps the most ridiculous McGuffin I've ever seen-but I'll leave that for you to discover.

I can only recommend Santa with Muscles if you happen to have great patience and a high threshold of pain. I wondered about half-way through, "Has this been over 2 hours yet?"...but despite what you may feel it is only a bit over 1 1/2. Not a very merry way to spend your Christmas.

The problem with Hulk Hogan as an actor is that, while he's not Brando, he has his moments where he's okay. That said, all he seems to lend his name to is rubbish children's movies. The only serious thing he seems to have done is Rocky III (you be the judge of how serious that is). This is the ultimate example of that children's movie crap. Hogan is a wealthy man who loses his memory and somehow thinks he is Santa. He is taken in by an orphanage, who are trying to stop some villain doing something. Seriously, that's how forgettable this film is. The acting is poor. Hulk manages to lay some cool smackdown, but then again, so does Jean Claude. The children are all that breed of little goof ball's trying to be cute. Ed Begley Jr is just unnecessary. Many people have a real hatred towards Christmas movies. Of course, they can't all be Bad Santa, the Santa Clause, The Nightmare Before Christmas or the all time great, It's A Wonderful Life. But this is just lazy. Considering Hogan's potential for cool, violent films, this just wastes the most awesome wrestler ever. Just like everything else. I can't give it a one, but it's certainly not worth a passing grade. It's just dosh.

"Santa With Muscles" is an absolutely appalling film. It stars WCW wrestler Hulk Hogan who after getting amnesia thinks he is Santa Claus (like a grown man actually believes in Santa whether he has amnesia or not). He then goes onto beating the bad guys in typically corny Hulk Hogan fashion. I give it a 1/10 and that is being generous.

This movie is so bad, it's actually considered cruel and unusual punishment under the U.S. Constitution. I wish I was exaggerating. If you want a Christmas movie, go watch Miracle on 34th Street or something. Just stay far, far, FAR, I can't emphasise this enough, FAR AWAY from this horrifyingly bad film. You've heard the phrase "So bad, it's funny"? Well, this transcends "So bad, it's funny" and ends up just being horrible.

And then you will reach for the nearest dull razor, or butterknife on your property and attempt to gouge your eyeballs out. I've heard through word of mouth how aweful this "film" was, which inspired me to make a bid for it on an internet auction. I should have known I was in over my head when "free, or best offer" was the opening bid. Paintball with the cops, fierce battles using styrophome candy canes, exploding crystals, an orphanage with only 3 kids-this "movie" has it all. If you have the opportunity to give this one as a gift, go for it. That lucky someone in your life will be begging for coal this coming holiday season.