Phil Hartman credited as playing...
Maj. Colin Thorn
- [Major Thorn is doing a surprise inspection of the barracks, so just before he arrived Bilko quickly moved his men out of their untidy living quarters to another platoon's next door and switched the signs around]
- Major Thorn: [holding up some ladies underwear he's found in the closet] Are these yours?
- Sgt. Henshaw: It is my understanding that you can longer ask me these questions, sir.
- Colonel Hall: It's a new army, Major. We're all adjusting.
- Major Thorn: [Oster and Monday have been investigating Bilko] Nothing? You found nothing?
- Lt. Monday: Every ounce of my training tells me he's hiding something.
- Lt. Oster: It seems like every time we're about to get our hands on something...
- Lt. Monday: It dissolves.
- Major Thorn: I know. It's like trying to nail Jell-O to the wall!
- Lt. Monday: No... it's like watching a magician.
- Lt. Oster: He's got you watching his left hand...
- Lt. Monday: And his right hand keeps pulling rabbits.
- Major Thorn: Well, then lets tie his hands.
- Major Thorn: [in a movie theatre] If any of this is frightening, you can hold on to me.
- Rita Robbins: [a pre-feature commercial is playing] They're dancing Raisinets.
- Major Thorn: And you don't find that frightening?