Daryl Mitchell credited as playing...
Pfc. Wally Holbrook
- [Bilko is playing golf on the army base]
- Bilko: Twenty bucks says I can hit the parking lot.
- Wally: I don't gamble.
- Bilko: Well, what is it you *do* do?
- Wally: Permission to speak freely...
- Bilko: Yeah, yeah, yeah, go ahead!
- Wally: I get up every morning and I get dressed to protect the American way of life.
- Bilko: Would you tell me that later tonight so I don't have to take a sleeping pill?
- Wally: You men are soldiers! Guardians of freedom! And frankly I don't think there's a man or woman here who's taken their service oath seriously!
- Fender: You know what? I'm gonna kill him.
- Bilko: Fender!
- [as Fender tries to grab him, Wally uses martial arts skills to twist his arm and flip him over onto the floor]
- Bilko: Now, this is the stuff they should be teaching in the Army.
- Wally: They are.
- Bilko: No kidding?
- [Morning. 'Reveille' plays over the loudspeakers]
- Wally: Hey, Sarge! Get up! Hurry!
- Bilko: [jumping out of bed with his sleeping mask still on] What's the matter? What's the matter? Everybody take cover! Gather all the men! Man the battle stations! And...
- [pauses as he hears the reveille tune]
- Bilko: What's that music?
- Bilko: Hello, soldiers.
- [they look around]
- Bilko: I'm talking to you. Because that's what you are, really, soldiers. Every last one you with a couple of exceptions.
- Paparelli: [whispering] He's got a plan.
- Fender: [whispering] He sure does.
- Bilko: I'm going to tell you a little story. There once was a little boy, and that little boy had a dream to run one of the most sophistocated, illegal gaming operations the United States Army has ever seen.
- Zimmerman: [whispering] He's not worried.
- Morales: [whispering] Not a bit.
- Bilko: And that little boy's dream came true... but now,they're trying to snatch that dream *back* from him.
- Zimmerman: [whispering] He's worried.
- Morales: [whispering] It's not good.
- Bilko: But what are the last two letters in the name Bilko? K-O! Of course the first few letters are B-I-L, which is meaningless. But still, am I giving up? No! Never! Well kind of, but not really, because there is *no way* I'm going to Greenland. Well, you are probably wondering if I have a plan. Well, of course I have a plan! A P-L-A-N - plan!
- [spells "PALN" on the chalkboard]
- Bilko: But, ha ha ha.
- [begins crying]
- Paparelli: [whispering] He's got no plan.
- Morales: [whispering] We're screwed.
- Wally: I have a plan, Sarge.
- Bilko: But maybe, a plan is not what I really need. what I really need,
- [gets down on knees]
- Bilko: is just a little puppy.
- [crying and interacting with an imaginary puppy]
- Bilko: A little puppy with big brown eyes, who would just come to me and lick my face, and just love me so much no matter what kind of person I am.
- Pfc. Wally Holbrook: [Pvt. Doberman is playing tug-of-war with a horse for a bet] What's going on?
- Sgt. Raquel Barbella: It's Private Doberman, he's the one that looks sort of human. Last night in the gym he said, "I feel as strong as a horse." Some guy from Company P overheard him and said, "Yeah, for how much?". That's the golden rule around here, you don't say nothing unless you're prepared to back it up.