Burt Reynolds credited as playing...
Congressman David Dilbeck
- Congressman David Dilbeck: [practicing in front of a mirror] Hello, Erin. My name is Congressman Dilbeck. You are... you're a beauty.
- [Erin enters the salon behind him; Dilbeck turns and stares]
- Erin Grant: Good evening. I'm Erin Grant.
- [Dilbeck nods dumbly]
- Erin Grant: [little laugh] And you must be...
- Congressman David Dilbeck: [stuttering] Con... Comback Dilbeck. Uh, uh, Con-Congressman, uh, Dildo.
- [laughs nervously]
- Congressman David Dilbeck: I am... Congressman David Dilbeck. And welcome, welcome.
- Congressman David Dilbeck: You don't know how much I love you. I even sent my man Erb to collect your lint!
- Erin Grant: My *lint*?
- Congressman David Dilbeck: Fresh, hot lint!
- Erin Grant: And what did you do with that fresh, hot lint?
- Congressman David Dilbeck: Well, I'm afraid I made love to it.
- Congressman David Dilbeck: My brain has just turned to shit...
- Chris Rojo: Well hey, that's why you're in Congress!
- Congressman David Dilbeck: I'm about to mount this here filly!
- [Erin pulls out a gun]
- Congressman David Dilbeck: Maybe not.
- Erin Grant: If I come back tomorrow, can we talk more about my case?
- Congressman David Dilbeck: We can talk about anything you want, long as you're naked.
- Darrell Grant: Hey, are you that guy from Price is Right?
- Congressman David Dilbeck: No! I'm Congressman David Dilbeck!
- Darrell Grant: Congressman? No shit! Well, I steal wheelchairs, so we got a lot in common.
- Malcolm Moldowsky: This is a *major* disaster! Major! Unbelievable! Without doubt, the most asinine piece of human behavior...
- Congressman David Dilbeck: It's never gonna happen again, Malcolm. I've got it under control. See, I just love naked women. It's a character flaw. And God's testing me now...
- Malcolm Moldowsky: Oh, will you shut up, you idiot!
- Congressman David Dilbeck: You can't talk to me like that. I'm a United States Congressman!
- Malcolm Moldowsky: I can't? When you go psycho in a tittie bar six weeks before the election, what should I call you? Winston Fucking Churchill? It was all I could do to keep Willie Rojo from coming in here and strangling you with his bare, fucking hands!
- Congressman David Dilbeck: Everybody has a bad night, especially if they're under the pressure, like we are, under the public eye of...! Who recognized me?
- Malcolm Moldowsky: His name is Jerry Killian. And he's waiting outside.
- Congressman David Dilbeck: Now?
- Malcolm Moldowsky: Now! We gotta move on this thing before we get eaten alive!
- Congressman David Dilbeck: Move on what? I mean, if this is a shakedown, just get Willie to pay him like he always does. Why drag me into it...?
- Malcolm Moldowsky: Because... it's not about money.
- Congressman David Dilbeck: It's not?
- Malcolm Moldowsky: No. He wants you to persuade Judge Fingerhut to reverse a child custody case, of some stripper.
- Congressman David Dilbeck: Who he's sleeping with? You know, this is disgraceful! This is disgraceful, to have a man, like me, who has to deal with...!
- Malcolm Moldowsky: He's not sleeping with her.
- Congressman David Dilbeck: [stops, uncomprehending] Well, then why... why does her care?
- Malcolm Moldowsky: Because he's nuts! That's why he's dangerous! I mean, if he was sleeping with her, then I could deal with him, man-to-man, but this is... this is fruitcake love here.
- Congressman David Dilbeck: [spying on Erin through binoculars as she carries lots of suitcases] That doesn't look like a regular visitation, does it, Erb?
- Erb Crandal: David...
- [sees Dilbeck's attire]
- Erb Crandal: Oh, my God! Tell me I'm dreaming. No, no, I cannot believe this! No, no, no, Davey, *no*!
- Congressman David Dilbeck: Is this lint fresh?
- Erb Crandal: Hot out of the Maytag.
- Congressman David Dilbeck: Oh!
- [inhales deeply]
- Congressman David Dilbeck: You just can't imagine! This is the very essence of that glorious creature!
- Erb Crandal: Why are you all shiny?
- Congressman David Dilbeck: It's Vaseline.
- Erb Crandal: Oh... oh! It's... great, it's Vaseline!
- Congressman David Dilbeck: You've never covered yourself with Vaseline?
- Erb Crandal: No, no, not unless I have third degree burns, no.
- Congressman David Dilbeck: You don't know what you're missing. I've got it all over. It's down in my boots. I can feel it squishing between my toes...
- Erb Crandal: All right. The Young Christians are waiting, so...
- Congressman David Dilbeck: When will I see her?
- Erb Crandal: It's in the works.
- Congressman David Dilbeck: When?
- Erb Crandal: [finally fed up] It's in the works! Clean yourself up! I did not go into politics to pimp for a twisted old fuck like you! I've had it, Davey. I quit.
- Congressman David Dilbeck: You are such a child.
- Congressman David Dilbeck: [while Erin is stripteasing for him on his private boat and making conversation] I can't do that!
- Congressman David Dilbeck: [mesmerised to the point of infatuation by the stripper] An angel appeared. An angel of pure delight...
- Congressman David Dilbeck: Just the touch of your hand sets my pecker on fire.
- Erin Grant: Maybe you should see a doctor about that.