Janeane Garofalo credited as playing...
Abby
- Dr. Abby Barnes: If I was a guy, I think women would, like, line up to go out with me. I'm smart. I have a good sense of humor. I make a great living.
- Noelle: I'd fuck you.
- Dr. Abby Barnes: Thank you, honey. I know you would.
- Noelle: You and I combined make the perfect woman
- Dr. Abby Barnes: No. You and I combined make the perfect political prisoner. What we really do well is act self-righteous and starve.
- Dr. Abby Barnes: [to a radio caller:] Dogs don't like to be left alone. It's not like, when you leave, he goes, "Great, time to finish writing my novel!" No, when their humans leave, dogs get depressed, and they show it.
- Cosmetics Saleslady: We also have this new face cream which neutralizes the free radicals that attack the skin. Let me ask you: what's your skin regime?
- Dr. Abby Barnes: My regime? The regime from which the radicals are trying to get free? Are we selling face cream or staging a coup?
- Dr. Abby Barnes: How's it going?
- Brian: Yeah, well, he snores, which was a problem, um, but we solved it.
- Dr. Abby Barnes: How'd you do that?
- Brian: Well, he slept on my face and I couldn't hear him any more.
- [over the phone]
- Dr. Abby Barnes: Say something.
- Brian: I want to make love to you.
- Dr. Abby Barnes: Never on the first phone call.
- Noelle: Disappointment doesn't kill.
- Dr. Abby Barnes: Right... rejection kills. Disappointment only maims.
- [contemplating how to reveal Abby's true identity to Brian]
- Noelle: Is your show on today?
- Dr. Abby Barnes: Yeah.
- Noelle: I'll go to his house and I'll turn on the radio.
- Dr. Abby Barnes: And?
- Noelle: Have you ever noticed how Superman and Clark Kent are never in the same room at the same time?
- Dr. Abby Barnes: You burp and guys think its adorable. You puke and they line up to hold your hair back.
- Abby: OK. So say you meet one of these no sparks women, and you really take the time to get to know her and then you become intellectually stimulated by her. You just really enjoy her personality, thereby igniting all your lust and passion. Have you ever thought about that?
- Brian: Are you going to eat that?
- Dr. Abby Barnes: If you were trapped in Biosphere 2 for three years, who would you bring: Time Magazine's Woman of the Year or Playboy's Playmate of the Year?