Eugene Levy credited as playing...
Dr. Allan Pearl
- Dr. Pearl: People say, You must have been the class clown. And I say, No, I wasn't. But I sat next to the class clown, and I studied him.
- Dr. Allan Pearl: I think I got a, a, an entertaining bug... from my grandfather... uh, Chaim Pearlgut, who was very very big in the, um, Yiddish, uh, theater, back in New York. He was in the, the very... the sardonically irreverent... "Dybbuk Shmybbuk, I Said 'More Ham'"... and that revue I believe was 1914, and that revue was what made him famous. Incidentally, the song "Bubbe Made A Kishke" came from that revue.
- Dr. Pearl: I'm walking on air... you know... this is a sensation which is... forget it. When I became a dentist, I thought I was happy, but this...
- Ron Albertson: I had to have penis reduction surgery.
- Dr. Allan Pearl: Penis *reduction*?
- Sheila: I said to him, "Ron, you've gotta do something!" And he says to me, "Well, why don't you get one of those vagina enlargements?"
- Dr. Allan Pearl: [singing] Nothing ever happens on Mars/No sports or entertainment/No swinging bars/You stand around/You stand some more/On a planet named for the Roman god of war.
- [the cast of "Red, White And Blaine" is in its first rehearsal]
- Corky St. Clair: I'd like you to close your eyes now, and I'd like you to try something, all right? Now what are you thinkin', what are you feeling right now, with your eyes closed?
- [Blows in Dr. Pearl's ear]
- Dr. Allan Pearl: I feel a bree... a... you're blowing in my ear.
- Corky St. Clair: Okay, all right, but you see you jumped... to a conclusion!
- Dr. Pearl: Oh!
- Corky St. Clair: See, what I'm asking for is... your first feeling... was not that I was blowing on you. It was more like... Virgin Isles, or... Bahamanian...
- Dr. Pearl: Oh...
- Corky St. Clair: Or... Arubian...
- [the Pearls and the Albertsons are dining at the Chop Suey Chinese kitchen]
- Ron Albertson: Let me ask you something. You're a medical man.
- Dr. Allan Pearl: Yes.
- Ron Albertson: Uh... I wanna ask you something... if you... you...
- [stands up, prepares to drop trousers]
- Dr. Allan Pearl: [Horrified] Oh!
- Ron Albertson: No, I, I...
- Dr. Allan Pearl: Oh, for heaven's sake, no, noooooo...
- Ron Albertson: Look, no please, I just want...
- Dr. Allan Pearl: No!
- Mrs. Allan Pearl: You don't have to do that...
- Ron Albertson: Doctor, please...
- Dr. Allan Pearl: Mmmmmedicine Man not go near Dances With Stumpy! Noooo!
- Dr. Pearl: [singing at an old folks home in Miami] My Bubbe made a kishke, she made it big and fat, My Zaydeh took one look at it and said "I can't eat that!', Oh Mama, Mama, mia, oh Mama me oh myyyyyyyy...
- Dr. Pearl: You have to go where the love is. And the love for me, right now, is in Miami, not Blaine.
- Dr. Pearl: I dream of Genie with the light brown hair. Floating like a vapor on the soft summer air. LOOK OUT! Campdown races sing this song doo da doo da...
- Dr. Pearl, Ron Albertson, Sheila, Libby Mae Brown, Ron Albertson: Stool Boom, from the parlor to the pool room!