David Spade credited as playing...
Ernie
- Ernie: I think we better pull over, 'cause we need some gas soon.
- Tommy Spinelli: Keep fucking driving.
- Fern: Didn't I tell you to watch your fucking language?
- Tommy Spinelli: Alright, grab all the heads. Just leave the top one.
- Ernie: Why?
- Tommy Spinelli: Because the top one doesn't look like anybody and Big Sep will never buy it. Now come on.
- Steve: Wait a minute. I sawed off this head and you're not even gonna use it?
- Ernie: Steve, chill.
- Steve: No, you chill. I spent alot of time on this head. Don't you think you could have at least told me this before I cut it off?
- [Tommy slaps him in back of the head]
- Ernie: Ooh. I saw that coming.
- Tommy Spinelli: Don't ever fuck with a guy looking for heads.
- Ernie: Are you telling us that you're gonna find a replacement for the head Charlie lost?
- Tommy Spinelli: [looks through a year book] Yeah. We got some time to kill before we go to the airport.
- Steve: But these are human beings. Innocent people. You can't just kill innocent people because they look like somebody else.
- Tommy Spinelli: Let me tell you something, college boy, nobody is innocent.
- [picks a person in the book]
- Tommy Spinelli: Now who is he?
- Steve: He's my anatomy professor. He almost flunked me.
- Tommy Spinelli: Good. Here's your chance to get even with the prick. Get me his address.
- Steve: Alrighty.
- Steve: Heads up! Stop a-head. Anybody need to use the head?
- Ernie: Steve...
- Steve: Oh, don't let it go to your head. Whoa, whoa, whoa, you're WAY ahead of me!
- Ernie: Steve! Enough!
- Steve: Hey, don't bite my head off, alright!
- Ernie: That's it. I'm sleeping outside, guys.
- Annette: Me, too.
- Charlie: Hey, Steve, GET A GRIP. Go to sleep.
- Steve: Or what? You'll have my head?
- Steve: This is like grave robbing - grave robbing. Or worse.
- Ernie: I don't see any graves. Do you see any graves?
- Tommy Spinelli: [Cocks gun] There's going to be two fresh ones right now if you don't start looking for heads. Come on.
- Ernie: Okay, let's review: you've got a Hugo, a Little Joey, a Frank, a bad Stu...
- Tommy Spinelli: No, bad Frank.
- Ernie: That's what I said.
- Tommy Spinelli: No you didn't. You said bad Stu. Stu was just so-so.
- Ernie: No, sir, I said a so-so Stu.
- Tommy Spinelli: You did not. You said bad Stu!
- Ernie: Yes I did and everybody heard! I said a so-so Stu!
- Tommy Spinelli: You said bad Stu!
- Ernie: I know the names and you don't...
- [Arguing continues]
- Steve: Would you two stop it, goddammit! These are not baseball cards we're talking about here. These are heads! Human beings' heads!
- Ernie: This university has the largest cryonics facility in the country. They've got hundreds of frozen heads.
- Tommy Spinelli: Why do they got hundreds of frozen heads?
- Ernie: [sarcastically] I think for, uh, situations like this.
- Tommy Spinelli: Hey don't be a little smart ass, you!
- Ernie: Look, they have them because people feel that maybe in a couple hundred years, we can bring them back to life, clone them a nice, healthy body.
- Tommy Spinelli: Are you jerking me around?
- Ernie: What? Oh my God. You just put welts and bruises over 90% of my body and now you're talking about having me help you decapitate some professor. WOULD I BE JERKING YOU AROUND?
- Ernie: [roasting the coyote that ran away with a head] This doggy wont be doin' any more running away, I got him trained
- Steve: Can we answer that? It might be Charlie!
- Ernie: It might be Charl...
- Tommy Spinelli: Put it on speakerphone.
- Steve: Hello?
- Charlie: Steve!
- Steve: [in unison with Ernie, sighs with relief] Oh, Charlie, thank God! Jesu-
- [he is cut off by Tommy]
- Tommy Spinelli: Listen to me, you a-hole! You got my heads an' I wan'em back! Y'understand?