Anaconda

Before there was "Snakes on a Plane," there was "Anaconda," a Hollywood B-movie from the late 90's that is as notorious for its mixed bag of actors as it is for the gruesome snakes that populate its plot. In the film, a group of documentary film-makers traveling through the Amazon jungle picks up a mysterious man who inadvertently becomes their tour-guide on an unexpected detour. It seems the man is totally crazy and intends to capture one of the Amazon's most notorious and deadliest inhabitants: The Anaconda.

Despite some bad looking CGI-snakes (not bad in a good way) and a horribly mis-matched cast (J-Lo and Eric Stolz? Really?) "Anaconda" is simply a good, dumb time. Without a doubt, it's an utterly ridiculous film that can be insulting to your intelligence, but thankfully it knows not to overstay its welcome and the 90 minutes it takes up makes for a harmless and amusing ride. Ice Cube plays Ice Cube as he always does, while J-Lo turns in one of her more likable roles. You'll also catch Owen Wilson in one of his earliest roles, and John Voight is a pleasure to watch as he eats up the scenery. But face it, this movie is about snakes, and the titular character is the true star here. Surely, the actors on hand have done much worse, and as far as horror/b-movies about snakes, you could pick up much worse yourself. If you enjoy watching giant snakes (who inexplicably scream) stalk rappers, pop-stars and Angelina Jolie's dad, this is the flick for you. Those seeking genuine thrills, however, may find the film coming up a bit short.

Let me tell you about a little film called Anaconda.

I watched this film a dozen times as a kid, I loved monster flicks. Anaconda was bad, it was utterly bad, yet I've seen it more times than I want to admit. Now we visit it again, years later, so we can laugh at how ridiculous this film is.

We open with Danny Trejo, for some reason they dubbed his lines. He doesn't speak English, but the voice the use is so much higher than what we all know to be the gravel voice of Trejo. Just something that I found funny.

The monster effects are laughably bad at times and worse at others. When the snake is animatronic, the obviousness of it all makes it seems like a bad ride at universal. Then we have the CGI effects, which make the snake seem like it doesn't even belong on the screen. The first attack on a human, the entire thing looks like one giant blur. The first time we see the snake in general isn't with some Jaws like reveal, it's simply the thing slithering around in the jungle before it attacks a puma. No big reveal, no slow reveal...just the damn snake out in the open.

In Ebert's review of the film, which is enthusiastically gave a thumbs up, he claims Jon Voight delivers a brave and slimy performance. That I can agree with, but I wouldn't necessarily call it a great performance. It's without a doubt, memorable, but in the campy way. He glares at almost everyone on the screen, his skin is slimy like a snake and immediately untrustworthy. No one else seems to think they are in a bad movie here. Voight seems to know this from the get go. Watch this film and then watch The Room and tell me the performances from them are not almost identical. Is he doing DeNiro? Is he doing Brando? Who the hell knows. It's one wacky performance, that much is a guarantee.

This was one of the early Jennifer Lopez films that probably helped launch her career. Why? I don't know, she doesn't offer anything interesting here. Ice Cube and Owen Wilson play against their usual type, I don't think we've seen either of them in a monster flick since this one,

Suffice to say, Anaconda is a bad film that boarders on being highly enjoyable. Sit back, laugh and enjoy the absurdity of Anaconda. If you take this film seriously...at all, even for one second, then you will utterly hate it.

Anaconda is often looked at as cinematic trash. And it is but it's also wonderfully entertaining. Jennifer Lopez, Ice Cube, Eric Stoltz, Kari Wuhrer, Owen Wilson and Jon Voight star. Jennifer Lopez is really fierce as the lead and Jon Voight is so bonkers and over the top it's just comically absurd and wonderful. The effects leave something to be desired. The digital doesn't hold up but the practical is still pretty cool. The movie is creepy and funny and it's opening kill features a somewhat young I think Danny Trejo. Sometimes you just need to trash it up.

It's a stupid B-Movie with enough quality to fly by, and enough camp charm to get away with such cinematic crimes. The cast play it straight, apart from Voight. I'm pretty sure he was drunk during the shooting, coming out with an inexplicable accent and a look reminiscent of Hannibal Lecter. It's ridiculous fun, with hokey CGI and animatronics. The animatronics are great and make me miss the 90s. It's a big snake shaped tube and goes from slow robotic motions, to super fast CGI. Cube and Hyde manage some, at times, adorable dialogue. Voight's presence also unites the rest of the cast, and each character gets their own heroic captain moment. Fun filled and just plain bad. I loved it.

If you want to watch a movie on a blazing, hot evening and have no options (and missed this one back in the day), then this is going to entertain you. Action? Yes. Fun? Yes. Acting? Oh hell yes! Just pay attention to Jon Voight and his over-the-top performance and prepare to be amazed. On top of that, one thing to consider: the writing for J-Lo's character, her lines, are totally out there making her sound useless and fragile, helpless side-hero for at least 45 minutes. Luckily this will change slightly towards the 2nd half, but...really, Mr Writer? Good thing that the anaconda steals the show. Finally, the overall rating here is unfair. This should be around 6.5 and is a much better monster-munch film than many others in the 00's and 10's...8/10, pure fun.