Mark Wahlberg credited as playing...
Eddie Adams • Dirk Diggler
- Dirk: What can you expect when you're on top? You know? It's like Napoleon. When he was the king, you know, people were just constantly trying to conquer him, you know, in the Roman Empire. So, it's history repeating itself all over again.
- Dirk: You're not the boss of me, Jack. You're not the king of Dirk. I'm the boss of me. I'm the king of me. I'm Dirk Diggler. I'm the star. It's my big dick and I say when we roll.
- [in a scene from "Brock Landers: Angels Live In My Town"]
- Dirk: [as Brock] You still hungry?
- Jessie St. Vincent: Starving.
- [unzipping his pants]
- Dirk: [as Brock] Then feast on that.
- Reed Rothchild: Want to hear a poem I wrote? "I love you, you love me. Going down the sugar tree. We'll go down the sugar tree, and see lots of bees: playing, playing. But the bees won't sting, because you love me." That's it.
- Dirk: That's fuckin' great man! Did you write that?
- Reed Rothchild: Yeah. I write songs too.
- Jack Horner: Do these characters have a name?
- Dirk: The guy's name is Brock Landers.
- Reed Rothchild: And his partner is Chest Rockwell.
- Jack Horner: Those are some great names.
- Reed Rothchild: Hey, did you ever see that movie: Star Wars?
- Dirk: Oh, about four times.
- Reed Rothchild: People tell me I look like Han Solo.
- Dirk: Really?
- Eddie Adams: I was thinkin' about what the Colonel was sayin' about my name.
- Jack Horner: Uh-huh.
- Eddie Adams: I was just wonderin' if you had any ideas.
- Jack Horner: I had some thoughts on it, yeah. What about you? What do you think?
- Eddie Adams: Well, my idea was, y'know, I just want a name, I want it so it could cut glass, y'know, like razor sharp.
- Jack Horner: Razor sharp, right.
- Eddie Adams: Yeah. Well, when I close my eyes, I see this thing. It's like this big sign. And the name is in like bright blue neon lights with like purple outline. And this name is just so bright and so sharp that the sign - it just blows up because the name is so just. powerful. - - It says: "Dirk Diggler."
- Jack Horner: I think - I think heaven has sent you here - Dirk Diggler. I think the angels have blessed us all because of you.
- Dirk: Are you gonna take your skates off?
- Rollergirl: I don't take my skates off. And don't fuckin' come in me.
- Dirk: Okay.
- Jack Horner: Aim it at her tits.
- Todd Parker: We're not leaving yet. We're here now, and we want something else from you. Hey... hey, hey, hey, hey! Hey! We want something else from you.
- Rahad Jackson: What?
- Dirk: Todd, what the hell are you doing, man? Let's just go.
- Todd Parker: In the master bedroom... under the bed... in a floor safe. Understand?
- Dirk: What the fuck is the matter with you, Todd? Let's go! Come on, man!
- Reed Rothchild: Todd!
- Todd Parker: Shut up, Dirk. I t... I told you I got a plan. I got a very good plan.
- Rahad Jackson: Are you - are you kidding me, kitty?
- Todd Parker: Nah, I'm not, see? I'm not kidding. I want what's in the safe! We want what is in the goddamn safe, in the goddamn master bedroom on the fuckin' floor in the goddamn fuckin' floor safe, that's all!
- Dirk: Todd, don't be crazy, okay?
- [to Rahad:]
- Dirk: Sir, we don't know anything about this, okay? This is not at all what we wanted.
- Todd Parker: Shut the fuck up, Dirk.
- [to Rahad's bodyguard:]
- Todd Parker: Do not reach for your gun, man, don't reach for your gun!
- [Todd pulls out his gun and aims it at the bodyguard, Rahad shoots Todd in the shoulder, before fleeing to his bedroom, laughing maniacally; Dirk and Reed take cover as the bodyguard pulls out two pistols and starts firing at them, Todd then shoots the bodyguard]
- Todd Parker: He went in the bedroom!
- Dirk: Todd, what the fuck are you doin'?
- Todd Parker: He went in the bedroom!
- Dirk: Todd, what the fuck? Did you go crazy?
- Todd Parker: He's got coke and he's got cash in that safe, in that bedroom and if we leave here without it, man, we're fuckin' idiots, man! We came here to motherfuckin' do something and we can fucking do it, alright? Are you with me?
- Reed Rothchild: Todd, listen to me! Let's just split, man! Let's just split, right? This was not the thing! This was not supposed to be the thing, Todd!
- Todd Parker: That's what we goddamn came here to motherfuckin' do, and that's what I'm gonna fuckin' do right fuckin' now!
- Dirk: Fuck, no! Don't, don't! Don't be fucking stupid!
- Rahad Jackson: [Todd kicks down the door and is shot in the chest with a shotgun by Rahad] Come on, you puppies!
- [Rahad racks his shotgun and fires at Dirk and Reed]
- Rahad Jackson: It's comin' down for puppies!
- Colonel James: I'm looking forward to seeing you in action. Jack says you've got a great big cock.
- Eddie Adams: Well, I don't know, I guess so.
- Colonel James: May I see it?
- Eddie Adams: Really?
- Colonel James: Please!
- [stares as Eddie lowers his shorts]
- Colonel James: Thank you, Eddie!
- Eddie Adams: No problem.
- [the Colonel continues to stare as Eddie walks away]
- Dirk: Look, man, all we need is the tapes, all right?
- Record Producer: No, you don't get the tapes until you've paid.
- Dirk: In our situation, that doesn't make any fucking sense.
- Reed Rothchild: Look, we can not pay for the tapes, unless we take the tapes to the record company, and get paid.
- Dirk: Hello? Exactly.
- Record Producer: That's not an MP, that's a YP, your problem. Come up with the money, or forget it.
- Reed Rothchild: Okay, now you're talking above my head. I don't know all of this industry jargon, YP, MP. All I know is that I can't get a record contract, we cannot get a record contract unless we take those tapes to the record company. And granted, the tapes themselves are a uh um oh, you own them, all right, but the magic that is on those tapes. That fucking heart and soul that we put onto those tapes, that is ours and you don't own that. Now I need to take that magic and get it over the record company. And they're waiting for us, we were supposed to be there a half hour ago. We look like assholes, man.
- Dirk: Let me explain to him in simple arithmetic. One, two three! Because you don't fuckin' get it, Burt! You give us the tapes. We get the record contract. We come back and give you your fuckin' money. Have you heard the tapes? Have you even heard them? We're guaranteed a record deal. Our stuff is that good!
- Record Producer: Now I get it. Now I understand. You want it to happen... but it's not going to happen. Because it's a Catch-22.
- Dirk: What the fuck does that mean? What is a Catch-22, Burt?
- Record Producer: Catch-22, gentleman. Think about it.
- [pause]
- Dirk: You know what I'm thinking about, man? I'm thinking about kicking some fuckin' ass!
- Little Bill: [while shooting a scene, Dirk ejaculated inside Amber] We missed the cum shot. He came inside her. Maybe we could go to stock footage, or...
- Jack Horner: Are you crazy? It won't match!
- Dirk: Jack? I can do it again if you need a closeup.
- Reed Rothchild: [shoe shopping] Yeah, those are really cool. Are they lizard?
- Dirk: No, they're Italian. I'm gonna fuckin' buy these.
- Rollergirl: That shirt's pretty sexy too.
- Dirk: Well, yeah, this is like - um - imported Italian nylon. And its like a special edition, limited silk print. And it was done by this really famous - um - design artist, from Italy.
- [last lines]
- Dirk: [practicing his lines in the mirror] I've been around this block twice now. Looking for something. A clue. I've been looking for clues and something led me back here. Yeah. So here I am. It could have been me, the one who was at Ringo's place when the shit went down. Hey. I know how it is. I've been there. We've all done bad things. We've all had those guilty feelings in our heart. I'm going to take your brain out of your head and wash it and scrub it and make it clean. I don't know. But I'm going to have to settle this. First we're going to check the hole and see what we can find. We're going to get nice and wet, and you're going to spread your legs. Oh, that's good. So you know me. You know my reputation. Thirteen inches of tough load, I don't treat you gently. That's right. I'm Brock Landers. So I'm going to be nice. So I'm going to be nice. So I'm going to be nice, I'm going to ask you one more time. Where the fuck is Ringo?
- Dirk: [he stands, unzips his pants and pulls out his penis] I am a star. I'm a star, I'm a star, I'm a star. I am a big, bright, shining star. That's right.
- [he rezips his pants]
- Jack Horner: So what I'm trying to tell you, Eddie, is that it takes a *lot* of good old American *green* stuff to make one of these things, you know what I mean?
- [sighs]
- Jack Horner: I mean, you know, you got your camera, you got your film, you got your lights, you got your sound, you got your lab costs, you got the developing, you got your syncing, you got your editing. Before you turn around, you've spent maybe twenty, twenty-five... thirty thousand dollars on a movie.
- Eddie Adams: [awed] Now that's a lot of money.
- Jack Horner: You bet your ass it is.
- [nods]
- Jack Horner: But if you make a good one, there's practically no end to how much money you could make.
- Amber Waves: [having sex, filming a porno] Oh, John. You're a wonderful actor.
- Dirk: It's okay to come?
- Amber Waves: Are you ready to come?
- Dirk: Yeah.
- Amber Waves: Come in me.
- Dirk: What?
- Amber Waves: I'm fixed. I want you to come in me.
- Dirk: Okay.
- [moans and climaxes]
- [just before they start filming Dirk's first movie]
- Dirk: Does he want me to keep going until I cum?
- Amber Waves: Yeah. You just cum when you're ready.
- Dirk: Where should I do it?
- Amber Waves: Where do you want?
- Dirk: Wherever you tell me.
- Amber Waves: Well, cum on my tits, if you can, okay? Just pull it out and do it on my stomach and my tits, if you can.
- Dirk: [standing in the kitchen at work with Jack] So, you want five or ten?
- Jack Horner: What?
- Dirk: Well, if you just wanna see me jack off, it's ten. But if you just wanna look at it, it's only five.