Roberto Benigni credited as playing...
Guido
- Bartolomeo: They are looking for someone who speaks German, to translate their instructions.
- Guido: Me! I'll do it, I'll translate!
- Bartolomeo: Do you speak German?
- Guido: No.
- Guido: What are your political views?
- Tappezziere: [speaking to his two sons] Benito, Adolf! Sit down! Sorry Guido, what did you say?
- Guido: [pretending to translate] The game starts now. You have to score one thousand points. If you do that, you take home a tank with a big gun. Each day we will announce the scores from that loudspeaker. The one who has the fewest points will have to wear a sign that says "Jackass" on his back. There are three ways to lose points. One, turning into a big crybaby. Two, telling us you want to see your mommy. Three, saying you're hungry and want something to eat.
- Guido: [carrying his son through the camp] You are such a good boy. You sleep now. Dream sweet dreams. Maybe we are both dreaming. Maybe this is all a dream, and in the morning, Mommy will wake us up with milk and cookies. Then, after we eat, I will make love to her two or three times. If I can.
- Giosué Orefice: I didn't like the train.
- Guido: [to his son] Me, neither. We'll take the bus back, okay?
- Guido: [to the Nazis] Did you hear that? We're taking the bus back!
- Giosué Orefice: [slowly reading signage on confectionery shopfront] "No Jews or dogs allowed".
- [turning to Guido]
- Giosué Orefice: Why aren't Jews or dogs allowed to go in?
- Guido: They just don't want Jews or dogs to go in. Everybody does what they want to, Joshua.
- [pointing at store ahead]
- Guido: There's a hardware store there. They don't let Spanish people or horses into his store.
- [pointing at another store]
- Guido: Further ahead, there's a drugstore. Yesterday, I was with a Chinese friend who had a kangaroo. I said, "May we?" "No, we don't want any Chinese or kangaroos here." They don't like them. What can I tell you?
- Giosué Orefice: We let everybody into our bookshop.
- Guido: No. From now on, we'll write it too. Is there anybody you don't like?
- Giosué Orefice: Spiders. What about you?
- Guido: [mock-seriously] I don't like Visigoths. Starting tomorrow we'll write: "No spiders and Visigoths allowed." I'm sick and tired of these Visigoths.
- Guido: What kind of place is this? It's beautiful: Pigeons fly, women fall from the sky! I'm moving here!
- Dora: You have been so nice to me. All I want now is a hot bath.
- Guido: Ah, I forgot to tell you.
- Dora: Go ahead.
- Guido: You can't imagine how much I feel like making love to you. But I'll never tell anyone, especially not you. They'd have to torture me to make me say it.
- Dora: Say what?
- Guido: That I want to make love to you - not just once, but over and over again! But I'll never tell you that. I'd have to be crazy to tell you. I'd even make love to you now... right here for the rest of my life.
- Giosué Orefice: Daddy, I cannot find any of the other kids, and a lady came telling me to take a shower.
- Guido: That's a good idea. You go take a shower.
- Giosué Orefice: No!
- Guido: Go take a shower!
- Giosué Orefice: No!
- Giosué Orefice: [watching his father's uncle being sent to another barracks, which is the last time he will see him] Where is Uncle going?
- Guido: Uh... oh, he's playing on a different team. Goodbye, Uncle!
- Giosué Orefice: Goodbye, Uncle.
- Giosué Orefice: They make buttons and soap out of us.
- Guido: Eh...
- [momentarily lost for words]
- Guido: What are you saying?
- Giosué Orefice: They burn us all in the oven.
- Guido: Who told you that?
- Giosué Orefice: A man was crying. He said they make us into buttons and soap.
- Guido: [laughs and gesticulates animatedly] You fell for that? Again? I thought you were a sharp boy... cunning, intelligent. Buttons and soap out of people? That'll be the day! You believed that? Hahaha! Just imagine. Tomorrow morning, I wash my hands with Bartolomeo... a good scrub. Then I'll button up with Francesco.
- [pretends to button up concentration camp uniform, from which a button comes loose and falls to floor]
- Guido: Darn it all!
- [picks up button]
- Guido: Look, I just lost Giorgio! Does this look like a person? Hahaha, come on! They were teasing you! And you fell for it! What else did they tell you?
- Giosué Orefice: That we get cooked in the oven.
- [continues solemnly as Guido starts laughing hysterically]
- Giosué Orefice: They burn us up in the oven.
- Guido: [laughing and clapping hands] You fell for that too! You just eat everything up! I've heard of a wood oven, but I've never seen a man oven before. Ah ha... "I'm made of wood!" "Take this lawyer... poomp!"
- [pseudo-seriously]
- Guido: "This lawyer doesn't burn. He's not dry enough.
- [continues animatedly]
- Guido: Look at that smoke!" Oh Joshua... buttons, soap, we get burned in the oven... Let's be serious now.
- [simulates hopping]
- Guido: I have a sack race with the bad guys tomorrow...
- Giosué Orefice: [interrupting] That's enough. I want to go home.
- Guido: [being shipped to a concentration camp] You've never ridden on a train, have you? They're fantastic! Everybody stands up, close together, and there are no seats!
- Giosué Orefice: There aren't any seats?
- Guido: Seats? On a train? It's obvious you've never ridden one before! No, everybody's packed in, standing up. Look at this line to get on! Hey, we've got tickets, save room for us!
- Guido: The prize is... the prize is...
- Eliseo Orefice: A tank.
- Guido: Yes! Yes, the prize is a tank.
- Giosué Orefice: I already have one.
- Guido: No, a real one.
- Giosué Orefice: A real tank?
- Guido: Dr. Lessing!
- Dr. Lessing: Hello!
- [notices the flowers]
- Dr. Lessing: What are the flowers for?
- Guido: [thinks fast] Ah... for your departure!
- [hands him the flowers]
- Dr. Lessing: Thank you!
- Guido: You can lose all your points for any one of three things. One: If you cry. Two: If you ask to see your mother. Three: If you're hungry and ask for a snack! Forget it!
- Guido: Good morning, Princess! Last night, I dreamt about you all night! We were going to the movies. You were wearing that pink suit that I really like. You're all I think about, Princess. I always think about you. And now...
- Giosué Orefice: Mommy! Pop wheels me in the wheelbarrow, but he doesn't know how to drive! We laugh like crazy! We're in the lead! How many points do we have today?