Chris Farley credited as playing...
Haru
- Haru: I may not be a great ninja; I may not be one with the universe; but I will say this: NO ONE MESSES WITH MY BROTHER.
- Haru: Okey dokey, lets see what we got baking in the oven. Yeah, ya, ya, ya, ya. Not yet a match. Ok well, it looks like we are about one degree Celsius off on that ah magenta color. I guess I am gonna have to quantify the 7F reading on this and that would run it through the surface gravity viscosity. Ah, I could plug it into the Marshall formula, and that would ah, that would give me a more accurate mix design. To me they're just a little bit off, what I can do on that is run a pap smear, ah test and than ah, tone it down a little bit.
- Haru: You may subject me to any torture you can think of, but a ninja does not talk!
- Martin Tanley: Ninja? You're a ninja? You're the big fat ninja everyone's talking about, aren't you?
- Haru: Great White Ninja.
- Haru: Hey, you hear the one about the lady who backed into a fan? It was a disaster. "Dis-assed" her.
- Haru: I am sure you would like to know who I am and what I do, but as part of my creed, I cannot tell you. See my identity must remain mysterious and my mission secret, I cannot reveal it to you.
- Billy: Why not?
- Haru: Because I would then have to kill you.
- Billy: DADDY!
- [runs to his dad, frightened]
- Billy: Daddy, he said he's gonna kill me!
- Billy's Dad: [to Haru] What'd you say to my kid?
- Haru: I was merely relaying to him...
- [Billy's Dad punches him in the face]
- Desk Manager: 73 minutes to deliver two suitcases and one garment bag. Do you have an explanation, Mr. Washington?
- Joey: Yes sir, I seem to be developing tunnel carpel syndrome in my wrist. I believe it's from carrying really heavy garment bags around. Now, I don't want to go on disability, and sue this company for millions of dollars, so I figured I would just pace myself.
- Desk Manager: Mr. Washington, everything you do... irritates me.
- Joey: I'm gonna go soak my wrists.
- Desk Manager: Can I help you sir?
- Haru: Yes, I am looking for a Sally Jones.
- Desk Manager: I'm sorry, I don't see anyone by that name in my computer, now if you will excuse me.
- Haru: I would like to rent one of your lodgings. Is the cost great?
- Desk Manager: Compared to what? A hut and a rice patty? Sir, we are a five star hotel, with 800 rooms, booked six months in advance.
- Haru: I have money.
- Desk Manager: I'm sure you do. Unfortunately, we don't take Wampum.
- Haru: Do you perhaps take gold?
- [pours out about 15 pieces of gold]
- Desk Manager: Front! Perhaps I shall send Dom Perignon to your room?
- Haru: I prefer to be alone tonight. Perhaps later I will meet your friend Don.
- Desk Manager: [to Joey] 1A.
- Joey: 1A. Ooww, my wrists. What have you got in here man, car radios?
- Joey: Do you know what I do everyday once I leave here?
- Haru: No, what?
- Joey: I'm running. I'm always running, man. My neighborhood's bad, Man, I gotta run to get cigarettes, I gotta run to get milk, I gotta run to take out the trash. Know why? Because whenever I leave my house, there's somebody out there just waiting to kick my ass.
- Haru: Oh I see you got the R2347ST Printing press. This thing came out the same time I was printing leaflets for the Shave the Whales Foundation.
- Martin Tanley: You mean Save the Whales.
- Haru: Oh is that what you did with them, maybe it was starve the whales, starve the whales.