Thierry Lhermitte credited as playing...
Pierre Brochant
- François Pignon: [after hanging up the phone] It was your sister.
- Pierre Brochant: I don't have a sister.
- François Pignon: [appears confused] You don't? I said, "Who is this?". She said, "His sister".
- Pierre Brochant: [incredously to himself] He called Marlène!
- François Pignon: She's not your sister?
- Pierre Brochant: Her name is Marlene Hissister!
- François Pignon: How could I know? She said, "Marlene, his sister." It's confusing.
- François Pignon: My wife left me.
- Pierre Brochant: She did?
- François Pignon: For a friend of mine.
- Pierre Brochant: Those things happen.
- François Pignon: A guy I knew at the Ministry. Not a bad guy. I invited him home. She fell for him. I don't know why, because he's no genius. You know how many matches in this one?
- Pierre Brochant: What do you mean, no genius?
- François Pignon: The guy she ran off with. What a dumbbell! Come on, say a number.
- Pierre Brochant: Dumber than... I mean, you're pretty smart, so how would he rate against you?
- François Pignon: Sorry to be so blunt, but he's quite the idiot!
- Pierre Brochant: My God!
- François Pignon: So?
- Pierre Brochant: How could she run off with an idiot?
- François Pignon: I agree. He only talks about windsurfing!
- Pierre Brochant: Can I meet him?
- François Pignon: You like windsurfing?
- Pierre Brochant: I love it.
- François Pignon: Then you'll love Benjamin! We call him Dumbo. He's in the phone book. Under Benjamin, not Dumbo.
- [last lines]
- François Pignon: [repeatedly] I'll call her back, everything will work out!
- Pierre Brochant: You idiot! What an idiot!
- Pierre Brochant: So, how are you, Mr. Pignon?
- François Pignon: Very well. Thanks.
- Pierre Brochant: The message on your machine is so witty.
- François Pignon: Really? I wanted it to be original.
- Pierre Brochant: I'm still laughing.
- François Pignon: Everybody comments on it. Friends ask me to record their messages.
- Pierre Brochant: I can see why.
- François Pignon: I could do yours...
- François Pignon: No need.
- François Pignon: It'd take a minute.
- Pierre Brochant: No, it's fine as it is, even if it might be a little conservative for you.
- Pierre Brochant: Good evening, Doctor.
- Christine Brochant: Fix him. He has an important dinner tonight.
- Pierre Brochant: Christine!
- Christine Brochant: An idiot dinner. Each regular has to bring an idiot.
- Pierre Brochant: Christine, please!
- Christine Brochant: The idiots don't know why they've been picked. The fun is making them talk.
- [sarcastic]
- Christine Brochant: Hilarious! Not to me, so I'm leaving. Good night, Doctor.
- Pierre Brochant: [as she leaves] Sorry. I called you to fix my back, not my marriage.
- Sorbier: Can I wash my hands?
- Pierre Brochant: First door on the left.
- Sorbier: In college, we used to invite ugly girls. The ugliest one got a prize.
- Pierre Brochant: Yes, we did that, too. But idiots are funnier.
- Sorbier: But less definite.
- Pierre Brochant: Some idiots are quite obvious. Mine's unmistakable.
- Pierre Brochant: You're coming Wednesday?
- Cordier: No, I'm busy. Are you going?
- Pierre Brochant: Sure. I'm in a bind. I don't have an idiot. I've looked all over. Got one on hand?
- Cordier: No, but I'll think about it. I'm late.
- Pierre Brochant: [Cordier removes a metal ladle from his bag] What's that?
- Cordier: Dad collects them. A beauty, huh? 18th century. He'll love it.
- Pierre Brochant: Your dad collects ladles?
- Cordier: He has over 300 of them. He's retired. Keeps him busy.
- Pierre Brochant: Interesting. Could he discuss his passion in public, tell us the story of ladles?
- Cordier: No, Pierre.
- Pierre Brochant: Does he come to Paris?
- Cordier: No, Pierre, not Dad.
- Pierre Brochant: What? It's a very original hobby.
- Cordier: You want him for your dinner?
- Pierre Brochant: How can you say that? I'd take your dad to an idiot dinner?
- Cordier: Yes.
- Pierre Brochant: You think I'm a bastard, eh?
- Cordier: Yes.
- Pierre Brochant: I was just kidding. But I don't have an idiot yet. I'm panicked.
- Pierre Brochant: I'm delighted to meet you.
- François Pignon: Likewise, Mr. Brochant. Since you called me at the Ministry, I've been walking on air. I thought it was a joke. Did I sound dumb on the phone?
- Pierre Brochant: Yes. I mean, no. You were perfect.
- François Pignon: A big publisher wanting to do a book on my models, inviting me to dinner... you've changed my life, Mr. Brochant.
- Pierre Brochant: The book project isn't quite final yet.
- François Pignon: I brought photos of my finest pieces.
- [showing him]
- François Pignon: The Eiffel Tower.
- Pierre Brochant: Superb.
- François Pignon: Took me eight months.
- Pierre Brochant: It shows. You do them at night?
- François Pignon: And on weekends. Whenever I have time.
- Pierre Brochant: Good evening, Mr. Pignon! Come on in! I can't get up. I twisted my back. We'll have to put off our dinner.
- François Pignon: I'm sorry for you. A sore back is no fun.
- Pierre Brochant: It's silly. What are you doing next Wednesday?
- François Pignon: [thinking] Next Wednesday... . nothing.
- Pierre Brochant: My friend's having another dinner. You're invited.
- François Pignon: How very nice.
- Pierre Brochant: We missed you today. We won't miss you next week.
- Pierre Brochant: My friend Jean Cordier gave me your number. You met him on the train.
- François Pignon: Yes, of course.
- Pierre Brochant: He said a lot about you. I want to meet you.
- François Pignon: To meet me?
- Sorbier: A friend of yours?
- Pierre Brochant: No. My friends are not that dumb. We pick aces. This is big league.
- Sorbier: Where do you find them?
- Pierre Brochant: It's hard. A real manhunt. We have scouts who tip us off.
- Sorbier: [Pierre reacts in pain] Fifth lumbar vertebra!
- Pierre Brochant: Is it serious?
- Sorbier: No, but call off your dinner.
- Pierre Brochant: No!
- Sorbier: Rest your back tonight. I'll stop by tomorrow.
- Pierre Brochant: But, doctor... I have a prime idiot coming! Give me a shot! I don't care! Anything!
- Sorbier: Ice bag and rest, or you'll be out for three weeks.
- Pierre Brochant: I'm jinxed. My phone book, please. Thanks. The telephone. What's his name again? Francois Pignon.
- Sorbier: What does he do?
- Pierre Brochant: He's a tax man.
- Sorbier: Isn't that dangerous? What if he finds out?
- Pierre Brochant: He won't. We're careful. No idiot ever found out.
- François Pignon: [after Pierre's wife leaves a phone message announcing she's leaving him] I really know what you're going through.
- Pierre Brochant: I'd like to be left alone!
- François Pignon: I said that when she left me, and I nearly died of grief alone in my own house. Plus, you've got a bad back.
- Pierre Brochant: She hasn't left me. She's a bit depressed. She'll be back. Now go home, and good night!
- François Pignon: "She'll be back." That's what I said for two years.
- Pierre Brochant: [trying to call Pignon to cancel their dinner] He's out. Holy shit!
- Sorbier: What?
- Pierre Brochant: His message. He tries to be witty. It's pathetic.
- [he redials the number and puts it on speaker phone]
- François Pignon: Francois is out, but don't pout! No need to weep, wait for the beep! Your turn to peep!
- Pierre Brochant: [hanging up] Isn't he something?
- Sorbier: Outstanding, I'd say.
- Christine Brochant: You asked him here?
- Pierre Brochant: To study him before dinner. I hear he's fabulous.
- Christine Brochant: I'll leave you two together. Enjoy!
- Pierre Brochant: Where are you going?
- Christine Brochant: I have a dinner, too. I didn't want to go, but...
- Pierre Brochant: Dinner with whom?
- Christine Brochant: [hearing the doorbell] Is it him? I don't want to meet him.
- Pierre Brochant: No, it's the doctor.
- Christine Brochant: Did you cancel your dinner?
- Pierre Brochant: [putting ice on his back after pulling a muscle] My God, that's cold!
- Christine Brochant: So, did you cancel?
- Pierre Brochant: A sore back needs heat.
- Christine Brochant: Dr. Sorbier said ice.
- Pierre Brochant: You reached him?
- Christine Brochant: In his car. He'll be here soon.
- Pierre Brochant: Great. I need a drink. A splash of scotch.
- Christine Brochant: [going to pour his drink] Did your sore back make you deaf?
- Pierre Brochant: No, I didn't cancel.
- Christine Brochant: You're still going to that sinister dinner?
- Pierre Brochant: It's great fun. You think it's sinister; don't sulk just because I enjoy it!
- Christine Brochant: Come on. Stay with me. You know I'm not feeling well.
- Pierre Brochant: So come with me for a change. You'll have a blast.
- Christine Brochant: Making fun of some poor guy?
- Pierre Brochant: But he's an idiot! Idiots are fair game.
- Pierre Brochant: I'm off to bed. Turn out the lights.
- François Pignon: Can't I call my chiropractor buddy?
- Pierre Brochant: No!
- François Pignon: He's great. And cheap. Know what he charges for house calls?
- Pierre Brochant: I'm with Pr. Sorbier of the West Side Hospital. I don't need your buddy!
- François Pignon: Yours may be good, but look at you now.
- Pierre Brochant: Because you fell on me!
- [to himself]
- Pierre Brochant: Why do I even argue with this jerk?
- François Pignon: You're like a horse that missed a jump. At the track, they'd put you out of your misery.
- François Pignon: [showing Pierre pictures of his matchstick models] So, how many matches?
- Pierre Brochant: 2,000?
- François Pignon: 346,422!
- Pierre Brochant: Wow!
- François Pignon: That's not all. How many tubes of glue?
- Pierre Brochant: Mr. Pignon?
- François Pignon: Yes?
- Pierre Brochant: We're going to that dinner!
- François Pignon: You can walk?
- Pierre Brochant: I'll try. You got a car?
- François Pignon: Sure.
- Pierre Brochant: If you drive, we'll manage. Help me up.
- François Pignon: [doing so] Here we go.
- [Pierre groans in pain as he stands up]
- François Pignon: You okay? Take it easy. 37!
- Pierre Brochant: What?
- François Pignon: 37 tubes of glue.
- Pierre Brochant: We'll have a wonderful evening, Mr. Pignon.
- [they accidentally trip, and Francois lands on top of Pierre]
- François Pignon: I'm so sorry. Are you hurt?
- Pierre Brochant: [after injuring his back even more than it already is] Now what?
- François Pignon: A chiropractor!
- Pierre Brochant: No need.
- François Pignon: A buddy of mine. He's great.
- Pierre Brochant: I don't need him!
- François Pignon: He's the best in Courbevoie.
- Pierre Brochant: I don't want him! Go home, I'll be fine.
- François Pignon: What about dinner?
- Pierre Brochant: It's off. I'm in no shape now!
- François Pignon: Good evening, Mr. Leblanc. George Van Brueghel here. Sorry to bother you so late. I'm a Belgian producer, I just got in from Belgium, and I'm very interested in your novel...
- Pierre Brochant: [prompting him] "The Merry-Go-Round".
- François Pignon: "The Merry-Go-Round." I'd like to discuss buying the movie rights.
- Juste Leblanc: Is this a joke?
- François Pignon: Not at all. Why?
- Juste Leblanc: Etienne?
- François Pignon: What?
- Juste Leblanc: Cut it out, I know it's you.