Daniel Prévost credited as playing...
Lucien Cheval
- Lucien Cheval: [learning his wife is having an affair] Charlotte? Don't try to explain. Leave that place at once! Of course you can put your clothes back on.
- [Pierre and Juste laugh, and Francois snickers]
- Lucien Cheval: Uh, Charlotte, I'm not alone. I can't talk now. We'll talk at home.
- Juste Leblanc: I've got an idea. Listen to this. We scare Meneaux to make him come clean.
- Pierre Brochant: How?
- Juste Leblanc: You call and say you know everything, you're coming to wreck his place with three tough guys.
- Pierre Brochant: Not bad.
- Juste Leblanc: We'll know right away by the way he reacts.
- François Pignon: A fine strategy!
- Pierre Brochant: I can't call him. He knows my voice!
- Juste Leblanc: He knows mine, too.
- Lucien Cheval: And mine. I'm with him all day.
- François Pignon: [they all turn to look at him] I think I'm going to be needed!
- Pierre Brochant: [mortified at the thought] Oh, no!
- Juste Leblanc: Only he can do it!
- François Pignon: I really feel up to it!
- Juste Leblanc: We'll coach him, and he'll do fine.
- Pierre Brochant: Just wait and see!
- François Pignon: Lucien, it's Francois!
- Lucien Cheval: How's the big Auxerre fan?
- François Pignon: I'm no die-hard, and the game's not over!
- Lucien Cheval: Not over? You idiot! Two goals down and it's not over? Auxerre is a team of clowns, dickheads, and fuck-offs!
- François Pignon: Yeah? Who got slaughtered last week? Up Marseilles' ass, ream it with class!
- Lucien Cheval: Go fuck yourself!
- François Pignon: You, too!
- [hanging up]
- François Pignon: What an asshole! Marseilles are turds, Marseilles are turds! Marseilles are turds! He's such a jerk!
- [seeing Pierre and Juste's looks]
- François Pignon: I'll call him back.
- Juste Leblanc: He's in a league of his own.
- Pierre Brochant: It's been like this for hours.
- François Pignon: Brochant knows everything.
- Pascal Meneaux - voice on the phone: What?
- François Pignon: He's coming to wreck your place!
- Lucien Cheval: Nice going.
- Pascal Meneaux - voice on the phone: Who is this?
- François Pignon: A friend of Roussin's. Brochant's coming over, and not alone. He's with three of his toughest pals.
- Pascal Meneaux - voice on the phone: He's crazy! His wife's not here!
- François Pignon: You're not with her?
- Pascal Meneaux - voice on the phone: She canceled out.
- François Pignon: Roussin said, "He's with Mrs. Brochant."
- Pascal Meneaux - voice on the phone: Not at all. I'm with the wife of the guy who's auditing me!
- François Pignon: [they all look at Lucien] What?
- Pascal Meneaux - voice on the phone: The jerk's hounded me for months. I'm screwing his wife, not Mrs. Brochant!
- François Pignon: I'm calling because I need a favor.
- Lucien Cheval: Okay, on one condition.
- François Pignon: What?
- Lucien Cheval: Shout, "Go, Marseilles, go!"
- François Pignon: What?
- Lucien Cheval: Let me hear you shout, "Go, Marseilles, go!"
- Pierre Brochant: [Francois doesn't want to] You must!
- Juste Leblanc: [prompting him] "Go, Marseilles, go! Go, Marseilles, go! Go, Marseilles, go!"
- Pierre Brochant, Juste Leblanc: Go, Marseilles, go! Go, Marseilles, go! Go, Marseilles, go!
- François Pignon: I'm doing this for you, Pierre.
- [to Lucien as fast as he can]
- François Pignon: Go, Marseilles, go.
- Lucien Cheval: You must need a big favor.
- Lucien Cheval: Let's try this omelet.
- [taking a bite]
- Lucien Cheval: Mm. Mm.
- François Pignon: What's wrong?
- Lucien Cheval: A masterpiece, Francois!
- François Pignon: He's so silly. Thanks, Lucien.
- Lucien Cheval: Light, unctuous...
- François Pignon: My secret's a few drops of beer in the eggs.
- Pierre Brochant: [his patience snapping] The address, damn it!
- Juste Leblanc: Who would tell us to call him? Someone who'd have the number to his love nest.
- Lucien Cheval: His partner, Roussin, would. They're very close.
- Juste Leblanc: Roussin it is.
- Pierre Brochant: Why wouldn't he call himself? Why wouldn't Roussin call? It'll seem odd.
- Lucien Cheval: Meneaux told me he's heading to L.A. tonight.
- Juste Leblanc: Perfect! We're calling for Roussin who's on a plane.
- Pierre Brochant: Sit down, Mr. Pignon. Repeat after me, "I'm calling for Mr. Roussin. He's on a plane, but has a message for you."
- François Pignon: Okay.
- Pierre Brochant: No, repeat it. Pretend I'm Meneaux and repeat what I said.
- François Pignon: I've got it!
- Pierre Brochant: Please, Mr. Pignon, repeat precisely.
- François Pignon: "Hello, I'm calling for Mr. Roussin. He's on a plane, and has a message for you."
- Juste Leblanc: Perfect!
- Pierre Brochant: Not yet. You add, "Brochant knows everything."
- [Francois moves to take the phone]
- Pierre Brochant: No, repeat it!
- Lucien Cheval: Come on, he's not stupid!
- Pierre Brochant: "Brochant knows everything."
- François Pignon: [parroting it back] "Brochant knows everything."
- Pierre Brochant: Then you say, "He knows about his wife." If Meneaux asks who's speaking, you say, "A friend of Roussin's. Brochant's coming with three pals."
- François Pignon: Huh. "He's with three of his toughest pals."
- Lucien Cheval: He's talented!
- François Pignon: I'm just parroting.
- Juste Leblanc: He's excellent.
- François Pignon: Could I improvise a bit?
- Pierre Brochant: No!
- François Pignon: Don't shout. You scared me.
- Pierre Brochant: Just stick to what I told you.
- Lucien Cheval: You been attached?
- Pierre Brochant: No, why?
- Lucien Cheval: Those light patches; pantings have been removed.
- François Pignon: He doesn't miss a trick. You're fabulous, Lucien!
- Juste Leblanc: You came to help or audit him?
- François Pignon: He came to help! Right? Hurry! Poor Mr. Brochant is in a fix!
- Lucien Cheval: Yeah, poor Mr. Brochant... sure, Meneaux's quite the jerk, but as we say, "dogs only go for bitches." Here we are. Barrès St. Near the park. 37 Barrès St.
- François Pignon: In Neuilly.
- Pierre Brochant: Great! I'm off.
- Juste Leblanc: Wait, make sure she's there! Don't go 'til you're sure of it.
- Lucien Cheval: He won't open the door. He's sneaky.
- Pierre Brochant: I'll kick it open.
- Juste Leblanc: What if she's not there? Then what?
- François Pignon: We could call him.
- Pierre Brochant: To ask if my wife's in his bed, snug under his quilt?
- François Pignon: You're on the Pascal Meneaux case?
- Lucien Cheval: Affirmative.
- François Pignon: He has a love nest in Paris and I need the address.
- Lucien Cheval: [laughing] You're not his type!
- François Pignon: What?
- Lucien Cheval: He likes big boobs and hates hairy legs!
- François Pignon: [laughing, too] He's so funny!
- [seeing Pierre and Juste aren't laughing]
- François Pignon: It's serious. I need that address.
- Lucien Cheval: Why do you need it?
- François Pignon: It's for a friend who thinks his wife is there.
- Lucien Cheval: At Meneaux's? His wife's there? Poor bastard!
- François Pignon: See why I need the address?
- Lucien Cheval: You bet! I've watched Meneaux! Any skirt drives him dingo! Talk about a pig!
- Pierre Brochant: We're in a hurry. You got the address?
- François Pignon: He's the man I told you about.
- Lucien Cheval: Yes, the...
- François Pignon: Right.
- Lucien Cheval: [indicating his briefcase] The address is in here. I'm starving.
- François Pignon: I made you a nice omelet. You'll love it!
- Lucien Cheval: [sitting down] Am I the only one eating?
- Pierre Brochant: Yes. So, where's this love nest?
- Lucien Cheval: I audited a Michel Brochant three years ago. Are you related?
- Pierre Brochant: Could be. Where does he live?
- Lucien Cheval: In jail. He got five years. Nice guy. Had a fancy place just like yours that we auctioned off.
- [opening his briefcase]
- Lucien Cheval: Where's that fuck nest? Let me look through all this stuff. Advertising is quite lucrative. What's your thing, Mr. Brochant?
- Pierre Brochant: Publishing.
- Lucien Cheval: Very profitable, too.
- Pierre Brochant: Please, the address.
- Lucien Cheval: Do I know this poor sap?
- François Pignon: I doubt it.
- [to Pierre]
- François Pignon: Ever had a tax audit?
- Pierre Brochant: No.
- François Pignon: No. What's the address?
- Lucien Cheval: I can't tell you now. I'll get it tomorrow.
- Pierre Brochant: That'll be too late!
- François Pignon: It's urgent. It's a personal favor. Can you go over to the Ministry now?
- Lucien Cheval: Now? What about the game?
- François Pignon: Tape it. We'll watch it together.
- Lucien Cheval: I'm already taping the ice-skating show for my wife.
- Pierre Brochant: We'll tape the game.
- François Pignon: We'll tape the game. Go there for me!
- Lucien Cheval: You're a pain! I haven't eaten yet!
- Pierre Brochant: We'll feed him.
- François Pignon: You're invited here.
- Lucien Cheval: I don't know your sap!
- François Pignon: He's a great guy. Hop over to the Ministry for me.
- Lucien Cheval: You're a drag!
- François Pignon: I did say, "Go, Marseilles, go!".
- Lucien Cheval: What's the address?
- Lucien Cheval: Interesting room.
- Pierre Brochant: A storage room, where I keep my old things.
- Lucien Cheval: It's awful, but I don't care!
- François Pignon: What is?
- Lucien Cheval: He's a tax dodger, and I don't care!
- François Pignon: Get a hold of yourself. Run home and take a shower. Want the tape of the football game?
- Lucien Cheval: I'm in no mood for that. Goodbye, Mr. Leblanc.
- Juste Leblanc: Goodbye, Mr. Cheval.
- Lucien Cheval: Goodbye Mr. Brochant.
- Pierre Brochant: Goodbye, Mr. Cheval. Thanks for all your help.
- Lucien Cheval: Don't mention it. We'll meet again soon. I'm going to audit you. All this is suspect.
- Pierre Brochant: [watching him leave] He recovered pretty fast.
- Lucien Cheval: That wine...
- Pierre Brochant: It is a bit coarse.
- Lucien Cheval: I'm going to puke! The bathroom!
- François Pignon: Here, Lucien!
- Pierre Brochant: First door on the left!
- [leading Lucien to the bathroom, Francois opens the door on the right, and the artwork that Pierre hid falls out]
- Pierre Brochant: I said "On the left."