Tim Allen credited as playing...
Brad Sexton
- Brad Sexton: [Aftr a long day and night without sleep, Grandpa Yoder busts in the door early holding an axe to wake up them up] Look honey, it's 4:45. We must have overslept!
- Caroline Sexton: [Somebody cuts Caroline's credit cards, she immediately blames it on Brad]
- Caroline Sexton: That BASTARD.
- [Brad's account is frozen, he thinks Caroline is the guilty party]
- Brad Sexton: That BITCH.
- Bob Lachman: Oh, I would give you one more piece of advice. If I were you, I would leave town, because I-I think they're gonna arrest you.
- Brad Sexton: Arrest me? Why?
- Bob Lachman: Well, because, you know, it's not my name on those returns, Sluggo. It's yours. Have a nice day.
- [hangs up; directing the cabby]
- Bob Lachman: Kennedy.
- Caroline Sexton: [after he has just suggested splitting 50-50 of their estate, i.e. debt] 50-50. Not on your LIFE!
- Brad Sexton: Then it'll get UGLY.
- Caroline Sexton: Good! I can do ugly!
- [turns and walks away]
- Caroline Sexton: I've done YOU for the last 10 years!
- Brad Sexton: ...If memories serve, you stopped doing me after six and a half!... Happy anniversary, honey!
- Caroline Sexton: [offscreen] FUCK OFF!
- Brad Sexton: [dryly] OK.
- Caroline Sexton: Hmm. It's actually soft over here.
- Brad Sexton: [mutters] Probably because you're sitting in cow dung.
- Caroline Sexton: Excuse me?
- Brad Sexton: [aloud] Uh... I said, "My oh my, is that cow hung."
- Caroline Sexton: You are such a pervert.
- Caroline Sexton: Well, after tonight, I don't know how I'll ever be able to face my friends again.
- Brad Sexton: Just pretend they're a mirror.
- Caroline Sexton: You're so funny, honey. Actually, I'll just confess to them that I'm married to a MORON. And that way, they'll feel sorry for me and forgive me.
- Brad Sexton: Well, this "moron" built you this fabulous life.
- Caroline Sexton: Oh, that again. Oh, I forgot. That's right, honey! You did EVERYTHING, and I did NOTHING.
- Brad Sexton: Well, I have developed sixteen commercial properties in the last five years, including Euro-Alcatraz.
- Caroline Sexton: Oooooh... I'm sorry, did you say "Euro-Alcatraz"? "Vacation in... The Big House"? Say, did you hear that?
- Brad Sexton: What?
- Caroline Sexton: The sound of an entire continent laughing at you?
- [chuckles]
- Brad Sexton: [sarcastically] Ouch! Caroline, refresh my memory, will you please? What exactly have YOU done in the past five years? Wait a minute: I know. You've done Bloomingdale's. You've done lunch. You've done chemical peels. You've done collagen. You've done liposuction.
- [makes sucking noises]
- Brad Sexton: Wowwww.
- Caroline Sexton: You poor, deluded little monkey. Who do you think brought you to these people? Hmm? Without me, Brad, you would be nothing.
- [blows cigarette smoke in his face]
- Brad Sexton: [sputters] I beg your pardon, but I had a very successful real estate career before I ever met you.
- Caroline Sexton: Oh. Really. So you consider leasing parking spaces a real estate career? Well, here's a news flash, BRAD: I took you from K-Mart to Tiffany's. I invented you.
- Brad Sexton: Okay. Well. Then I guess you have no one else to blame... but yourself.
- Caroline Sexton: That's--
- [stops. Brad laughs, she groans]
- Caroline Sexton: I guess not.
- Brad Sexton: [she walks away, he smirks after her] Good NIGHT.
- [they each retreat to their own separate sleeping quarters]
- Caroline Sexton: [screaming as she is sitting in a pile of manure surrounded by cows] BRAD! BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD!
- Brad Sexton: What? Quiet. Those cows will jump on you.
- Caroline Sexton: [shrieks] They will?
- Brad Sexton: [rolls his eyes] Stay there. I'll be right back.
- Caroline Sexton: What do you mean, "stay here", Br...
- [squishes her hands right in a pile of cow waste. wails]
- Caroline Sexton: Eeeeeeeeeuuuuwww, I have COW POOP ON ME!
- [sobs]
- Brad Sexton: [explaining to Henner why he always gets tounge-tied around Rebecca] That's what women do to men. It's called "being in love".
- [Brad has just managed to crash their car-- a stolen taxi--into a lake]
- Brad Sexton: [trying to help her out] Are you all right?
- Caroline Sexton: No, I'm *not* all right, you *idiot*!
- Brad Sexton: Come on!
- Caroline Sexton: Get out of my way! I'll do it myself!
- Caroline Sexton: [flailing her arms around] Help! I'm drowning! Please, Brad, help, don't let me die!
- Brad Sexton: Somehow, Caroline has managed to freeze all of my accounts.
- Bob Lachman: Caroline? Are you sure?
- Brad Sexton: Well, who the hell else would?
- Bob Lachman: Well, there was that little IRS audit thing. I left out a few little details.
- Brad Sexton: What sort of little details? FIVE MILLION DOLLARS?
- [echoes throughout the bank]
- Brad Sexton: [referring to his new Shiastu 2000 chair] What do you think?
- Bob Lachman: I'll tell you what I think. I think thank you are spending development money on stupid toys.
- Brad Sexton: These are not stupid toys! These are business tools! I write all this stuff off.