John Cleese credited as playing...
An Ape Named 'Ape'
- Beatrice Stanhope: Arthur, I wish you would do something about all these monkeys. I feel like Jane Goodall.
- Ape: Madam, I knew Jane Goodall and you are no Jane Goodall.
- Max: Let's take care of him.
- George: Huh?
- [Max and Thor pick George up and ram head into cage]
- Ape: Why didn't you come sooner?
- George: Why Ape have little stars around head?
- [Max and Thor pull George out, tickles him, and rams head back in]
- Ape: George, remember everything I told you about Queensbury rules and fighting fair?
- George: Uh-huh.
- Ape: Well, now's a good time to forget it.
- Ape: I'm hungry!
- Thor: Oh, shut up. You've been yakkin' for two days straight, and I'm gettin' mad enough to...
- Ape: You know, you really should work on your anger. Have you tried Brankowski's "Cage the Rage" technique?
- Max: Don't let him get to you, Thor. He's just an ape.
- Ape: That's a fine way to talk to your meal ticket. You keep that up, it's liable to affect my stage performance.
- Max: Give him a banana, Thor. It won't be long now.
- Thor: That's what you said yesterday! This trail is taking us to the middle of nowhere!
- Max: The sign at the trail head said "Short cut to Ape River." Now, why would it say "short cut" if it wasn't a...
- Max: [pause] Wait a minute. Maybe it's a fake, a decoy trail.
- Ape: Very good, Max. Actually, the trail is a fake. It circles Ape Mountain six times before heading right back to the tree house.
- Thor: [groaning in frustration] Ohh! Oh, I knew we was lost.
- Max: Don't listen to him, Thor. He's just tryin' to trick us, lead us off the short cut so we take twice as long on the regular trail.
- Thor: We're already taking twice as long!
- Max: Are you gonna let a monkey make a monkey out of ya?
- Thor: What?
- Ape: Duh!
- Max: Let's go. If he tells us the short cut leads to the tree house, then that's exactly where it doesn't lead.
- [Ursula screams at the sight of Ape]
- George: No, no! It's all right! Ape friend! Ape make your breakfast!
- Ursula Stanhope: [panicky] What does it want? What does it want?
- Ape: "It" wants "its" Physician's Desk Reference, if you don't mind. Unless you'd rather die of dengue fever, of course.
- Ursula Stanhope: [laughing hysterically] That is very funny!
- Ape: [sarcastic] Ha, ha, ha...
- Ursula Stanhope: I thought I heard the monkey talk!
- [reaching the end of a long trail]
- Thor: Max, look! We're back at the tree house!
- Ape: Well, I tried, but you fellas are just too smart for me.
- Max: Oh, no!
- Narrator: "Oh, no" was right! Because even at that moment...
- Thor: [looking up] Hey! Why don't you say something constructive for a change, like what we should do now?
- Narrator: Because I don't like you.
- Thor: Well, I hate you, you snotty son of a...
- Narrator: I'll pretend I didn't hear that.
- [there is a thunderous bang, and both Thor and Max stagger, as though hit]
- Narrator: Having some fun now, huh?
- Ape: [after George has swung into a tree, knocking himself out] Ladies and Gentlemen; I give you the 'King of the Jungle'.
- [as Thor aims his rifle at Shep, Ape roars and jumps out of the treehouse, landing the ground]
- Ape: Run, Shep! Run for your life!
- Max: Did that monkey just speak?
- Thor: That monkey just spoke!
- Ursula Stanhope: I *knew* it!
- Lyle Van de Groot: He *talked*!
- Max: [to Thor] Shoot it now.
- Ape: [turns and notices Max and Thor] Hmm?
- Max: [lowers Thor's rifle] With the tranquilizer gun, you idiot! The ape's worth a fortune!
- George: *No*!
- [runs towards Ape]
- Lyle Van de Groot: [aims his handgun at George] Stop or I'll shoot!
- [shoots George in slow motion]
- Ape: No!
- Lyle Van de Groot: No!
- Ursula Stanhope: George!
- [fade to white]
- Narrator: Whoo! OK, kids, let's settle down and review the important information. Lyle is a big doofus. Poor George was really shot, but can't die because, let's face it, he's the hero.