The Haunted Sea

Early clues that this movie will be a complete waste of time: Gratuitous female nudity before the opening credits are over, and wobbly cameras zooming in at screeching people to simulate predator attacks. And oh look, boobs were bared again 10 minutes into the movie.

Essentially this movie is similar in plot to the recent Ghost Ship - the crew of a boat find a (haunted) abandoned ship and board it. This script is crap, however. There's something about an Aztec curse, which leads to flashbacks of sacrificial rituals, which naturally requires there to be naked women. Despite the title, this is actually a monster flick. Effects are limited here (read: a monster that looks like a puppet), as is the acting. There are a few more experienced actors, and there are the actors that need a few more years of acting school before they can take up roles like "Bystander #1".

I wonder what a renowned actor like James Brolin is doing in this movie. I guess before he married money... I mean Barbra Streisand, he had to find some way of paying the bills.

Most low budget ALIEN copies try to camouflage the fact they're copies by setting them in some exotic locale. We have gotten ALIEN underwater (LEVIATHAN, DEEPSTAR SIX, etc.), underground (MIND RIPPER), in a jungle (PREDATOR), on post-holocaust earth (CREEPOZOIDS), in skyscrapers (PROJECT: METALBEAST) and basically anywhere where people in a confined space are stalked and killed off by a big FX monster. It's all the same. Some are good, some are OK and some are terrible. This one (set on an abandoned boat) falls into the latter category, but gets some major unintentional laughs thanks mainly to the awful creature design.

Here (in case anyone cares), an ancient Aztec statue turns a guy into a terrible looking, floppy-handed lizard creature who attacks and kills off most of the cast. Flashbacks to an Aztec temple (using badly incorporated stock footage) are just an excuse to get big-breasted star Krista Allen out of her clothes (not a bad thing). Joanna Pacula deserves to be in better movies. James Brolin deserves his eventual fate (marriage to *ARGHHH!* Barbra Streisand!)

Score: 2 out of 10

The premise of looted (and cursed) Aztec treasure found on a drifting ship has promise to be deliciously scary. Unfortunately, the Haunted Sea doesn't fulfil the promise. Can be amusing if you look for scenes and stunts from good Sci-Fi and horror movies, and try to guess the next lame plot device to bare Ms. Allen's not-inconsiderable mammary gifts. Without a single original idea, character, scene or word, this movie is so bad you'll keep watching it to see if it can get any worse-and it does! Makes you wonder what ended up on the cutting room floor (now that is scary!).

The other user comment for this movie says it all, except that Barbra Streisand should forbid hubby James Brolin from ever again attempting an Irish accent.

And then there's that gimme cap on the noggin of the usually glamorous, decidedly non-butch Joanna Pacula.

MST3K is gone, sad to say. This would have been perfect fodder.

"The Haunted Sea" is an incredibly bad, cheap movie, noteworthy only for its short length and gratuitous nudity. Krista Allen-Morritt's so-big-they-won't-fit-in-a-football-helmet breasts are the true stars of this "Aliens", "Q, The Winged Serpent", and "Leviathan" rip-off, as she's topless at every possible occasion, including dream sequences and a shower scene.

Casting borders on the ridiculous: extraordinarily beautiful Joanna Pacula is the freighter's 2nd-in-command, and James Brolin (Barbra Streisand's paramour) is the ship's captain who uses such nautical terms as "left" and "right."

Special effects are ridiculous: the monster looks like a cheap Godilla (think of "Godzookie" on the old cartoon); animated "lightning" jumps off ancient Aztec statues; the assorted killings are amateurish at best.

See it only if you have nothing better to do for it's 84 minute running time.