Danny DeVito: Phil

Hercules

Phil

Phil: I trained all those would-be heroes. Odysseus, Perseus, Theseus. Alota sseus's! And every one of those bums let me down flatter than a discus. None of them could go the distance. And then, there was Achilles. Now there was a guy who had it all: the build, the foot-speed. He could jab! He could take a hit! He could keep on comin'! BUT THAT FORSLUGGINER HEEL OF HIS! He barely gets nicked there once, and kaboom! He's history. Yeah, I had a dream once. I dreamed I would train the greatest hero there ever was. So great, the gods would hang a picture of him in the stars for everyone to see. And everyone would say, "That's Phil's boy." That's right... Ah, but dreams are for rookies. A guy can only take so much disappointment.

Phil: [singing] So you wanna be a hero, kid? Well, whoop-dee-do! / I've been around the block before with blockheads just like you / Each and every one a disappointment / Pain for which there ain't no ointment / So much for excuses, Thou-a-kid-a-Zeus's / Asking me to jump into the fray / My answer is two words...
[Hit by lightning]
Phil: O-K.

Phil: What's the matter? You never seen a satyr before?
Young Hercules: Uh, no. Can you help us? We're looking for someone called Philoctetes.
Phil: Call me Phil.

Young Hercules: But if I don't become a true hero, I'll never be able to rejoin my father Zeus.
Phil: Hold it. Zeus is your father, right?
Young Hercules: Uh-huh.
Phil: [giggling] Zeus, the big guy. He's your daddy. Ha-ha-ha. Mr Lightning Bolts. "Read me a book, would you, Da-Da?" Ha-ha-ha. Zeus.
Phil: [mimics Zeus] "Once upon a time... " Ha-ha-ha.
Young Hercules: It's the truth.
Phil: Please.

Phil: Listen to me. I've seen 'em all, and I'm telling you - and this is the honest to Zeus truth - you got something I've never seen before.
Hercules: Really?
Phil: I feel it right down to these stubby bowlegs of mine. There is nothing you can't do, kid.
[the door bursts open and a swarm of fan girls mobs Hercules]
Fan Girl #1: There he is!
Fan Girl #2: I touched his elbow!
Fan Girl #1: I GOT HIS SWEAT BAND!
Hercules: [goes down] Phil... help!

Meg: Phil! Phil, Hercules needs your help.
Phil: What does he need me for when he's got friends like you?
Meg: He won't listen to me.
Phil: Good! He's finally learned something.
Meg: Look, I know what I did was wrong, but this isn't about me, it's about *him*. If you don't help him now, Phil, he'll die.

Phil: [sees Hercules bump his head on a relic] Careful, that's part of the mast of the Argo!
Young Hercules: The Argo?
Phil: Yeah. Who do you think taught Jason how to sail, Cleopatra?

Burnt Man: Hey, isn't that the goat-man who trained Achilles?
Phil: Watch it, pal!
Tall Thebian: Yeah, you're right. Hey, uh, nice job on those heels! Ya missed a spot!
Phil: You... I got your heel! Right here!
[Phil head-butts the Tall Thebian]

Hercules: So what's in Thebes?
Phil: A lot of problems. It's a big, tough town. Good place to start building a rep.
[Suddenly, a woman's scream is heard]
Phil: Sounds like your basic DID: a damsel in distress.

Phil: One town, a million troubles. The one and only Thebes. The Big Olive itself. If you can make it there, you can make it anywhere.