Kevin Kline credited as playing...
Howard Brackett
- [while listening to the "How to Be a Man" tape]
- Voice on tape: Repeat after me: Yo!
- Howard Brackett: Yo!
- Voice on tape: Hot damn!
- Howard Brackett: Hot damn!
- Voice on tape: What a fabulous window treatment!
- Howard Brackett: What a fabu...
- Voice on tape: That was a trick!
- Emily: Are you... are... are you really gay?
- Howard: Mmm-hmm.
- Emily: Was there, oh, ANY OTHER TIME YOU MIGHT HAVE TOLD ME THIS? I'm wearing a wedding dress, which you picked out! I highlighted my hair because you said I needed shimmer, I loved you and I believed you and pretended not to notice the Streisand thing. I thought you were just creative, I thought you were just smarter than me and more sensitive and more interesting. I thought you were the most wonderful man who ever lived. I... I thought you could just change my life and... and show me the whole world, and teach me about art and life and magic. I thought you could make me feel like a beautiful woman... instead of the girl nobody wanted.
- Howard: [at confession, about "a friend"] He's just never had a physical relationship with her.
- Father Tim: Never? In three years?
- Howard: He respects her.
- Father Tim: He's gay!
- Peter Malloy: One day, I just snapped. I just got tired of switching pronouns and remembering to lower my voice, and I couldn't take lying to the people I love. Does that sound familiar?
- Howard Brackett: [lowered voice] No.
- Peter Malloy: So I just said, "Mom, Dad, Sparky, I'm gay."
- Howard Brackett: What happened?
- Peter Malloy: Well, my mom cried for exactly 10 seconds, my boss said, "Who cares?", and my dad said, "But you're so tall!"
- Howard Brackett: Here, I'll give you your headline! Howard Brackett is a big homo-queer-Mary-sissy man. He just came out at his big church wedding. Martha Stewart is fourious!
- Peter Malloy: Look, everyone wants to talk to Diane Sawyer or Joan Lunden, and my network's killing me. They want me blond!
- Howard: With your coloring?
- Peter: I'm gay, I came out.
- Howard Brackett: To whom?
- Peter: Who? To everyone. My folks, my boss... my dog.
- Howard Brackett: This is my Peter--uh, my *friend* Peter. We just met at the, uh, intersexual... homosection... INTERSECTION!
- Howard: He may be under the influence of something. He may have joined a cult!
- Frank Brackett: That little zombie.
- Howard: [entering his classroom, flustered] Class: so, uh, where were we? Romantic poetry. Shakespeare. Talented. English. Dead.
- Howard: I'm a horrible person. You have every right to hate me. You should hate me. I want you to hate me! I insist that you hate me! I'm scum, I'm garbage, I'm vermin, an-an-and I'm sorry.