Justin Cooper credited as playing...
Max Reede
- Max Reede: My teacher tells me real beauty is on the inside.
- Fletcher Reede: That's just something ugly people say.
- Max Reede: If I keep making this face... will it get stuck that way?
- Fletcher Reede: Nuh-uh. As a matter of fact, some people make a very good living that way.
- Max Reede: Do the Claw to Mom, Dad! Do the Claw to Mom!
- Fletcher Reede: Uh-oh. You've found the Claw's only weakness. Subzero temperatures!
- [Splatting sound]
- Audrey Reede: [sarcastically] So did you have any trouble finding the place?
- Fletcher Reede: All right, I'm late. I ran outta gas! The gauge is broken. Rough neighborhood too. Good thing I was wearing neutral gang colors. Might've had to rip out my nine and bust a cap! My mind on my money and my money on my mind!
- Audrey Reede: They'd never hurt you, Fletcher. You're their lawyer.
- Fletcher Reede: Ooh. That was below the belt. Try to keep the gloves up.
- Max Reede: Mom, Dad's taking me to see wrestling!
- Audrey Reede: Ugh. Fletcher!
- Fletcher Reede: Ugh. Audrey!
- Max Reede: [voiceover, before blowing out his birthday candles] I wish, that for only one day, Dad couldn't tell a lie.
- Fletcher Reede: Max! It's 8:45, you made the wish at 8:15. I've been able to lie for the past half hour.
- Max Reede: So you were - ?
- Fletcher Reede: No! It was the truth. I just wanted to be honest with you, Max. I always want to be honest with you.
- [the lights turn on after Max makes a wish and blows out the candles]
- Max Reede: Mom? Dad?
- [Audrey and Fletcher are kissing. After they break away, they look at each other in surprise]
- Fletcher Reede: [suspiciously] MAX? Did you wish for your mom and I to get back together again?
- Max Reede: No. I wished for rollerblades!
- Audrey Reede: [awkwardly, to Fletcher] Uh... wanna cut the cake... Dad?
- Fletcher Reede: I would love to... but I have this horrible pain in my arm...
- Audrey Reede: Oh no... run, IT'S THE CLAW!
- Fletcher Reede: NOTHING CAN STOP THE CLAWWWW!
- Fletcher Reede: Hey, creepy. Happy birthday. How old are you now? 22? 23?
- Max Reede: I'm 5, Dad.
- Fletcher Reede: Okay.
- [pretends to write]
- Fletcher Reede: Return the beer keg. Cancel the dancing girls.
- Fletcher Reede: Maximus, I'm outta here.
- Max Reede: Bye, Dad.
- Fletcher Reede: [to Jerry] Jerry, enjoy my wife.
- Ms. Berry: Today we're going to talk about what our parents do for work.
- Little Girl: My mommy is a doctor.
- Little Boy: My daddy is a truck driver.
- Max Reede: My mom's a teacher.
- Ms. Berry: And your dad?
- Max Reede: Mmmmmy dad?... He's... a liar.
- Ms. Berry: A liar? Oh, I-I'm sure you don't mean a liar.
- Max Reede: Well, he wears a suit and goes to court and talks to the judge.
- Ms. Berry: Oh, oh - I see. You mean he's a lawyer.
- [Max shrugs in a yeah-whatever way]
- Fletcher Reede: [outside of Max's school] See, Max, I have to lie. Everybody lies. Mommy lies. Even the wonderful Jerry lies.
- Max Reede: But you're the only one who makes me feel bad.
- Max Reede: Mom, Dad's takin' me to see wrestling!
- Audrey Reede: Ugh! Fletcher!
- Fletcher Reede: Ugh! Audrey!
- Audrey Reede: Well, why do you have to take him to see that stuff? It's very violent!
- Fletcher Reede: The boy must grow to be a warrior!
- [Both grimace and grunt]
- Fletcher Reede: [after Fletcher steals a flight of stairs and gets injured at the airport, Audrey comes over to check on him] Audrey!
- Audrey Reede: Fletcher!
- Fletcher Reede: Great news! Both my legs are broken so they can't take me right to jail.
- Audrey Reede: Fletcher, what were you doing? Are you out of your mind?
- Fletcher Reede: [sits up] No! I'm thinking clear. I've NEVER been this clear.
- Max Reede: [approaches] Dad?
- Fletcher Reede: [smiles] Creep. I was getting kind of upset.
- Max Reede: Are you all right?
- Fletcher Reede: Yeah.
- [points to his heart]
- Fletcher Reede: But I'm hurting here though. I'm a dope, Max. All this time you've been here and I could see you anytime I felt like it but I didn't. Then your mom told me you were moving to Boston and I started thinking. I could be sitting around sometime; I wanna look at you and hold you and play with you. And I wanna be able to. I don't think I'm gonna do too well with that. I love you more than anything else in the world, Max. And you know it's true! I couldn't say it if it wasn't true. Not today. I love you. And I'll NEVER hurt you again.
- [gently wipes a tear off Max's cheek with his thumb]
- Fletcher Reede: [asking Max to undo his birthday wish] Now, do whatever you did last night, only this time, make it an unwish.
- Max Reede: [blowing the candle on the cake out] I did it.
- Fletcher Reede: Excellent! Now I just need a little test.
- [seeing an attractive teacher nearby, he goes over to talk to her, and she promptly slaps him in the face]
- Max Reede: [he comes back] Did it work?
- Fletcher Reede: Not like I'd hoped. Did you unwish it?
- Max Reede: [nodding] Only...
- Fletcher Reede: What? Only what?
- Max Reede: Yesterday, when I wished it, I really meant it. This time when I unwished it, I only did it 'cause you told me to.
- Max Reede: [shows his baseball glove] Look at what Dad got me.
- Jerry: Wow, great. Hey, you know what, I have my glove in the car. Maybe we could stop at the park on the way home and play catch. Then tonight we can rub oil in it and wrap a big rubber band around it. It'll be great.
- [to Fletcher]
- Jerry: Hey, great gift, Dad.
- Fletcher Reede: [sarcastically] Thanks, Son.
- [to Audrey]
- Fletcher Reede: I'm so glad my gift could bring those two together. My plan to phase myself out is almost complete.