Tommy Lee Jones credited as playing...
Kay
- Edwards: Why the big secret? People are smart. They can handle it.
- Kay: A person is smart. People are dumb, panicky dangerous animals and you know it. Fifteen hundred years ago everybody knew the Earth was the center of the universe. Five hundred years ago, everybody knew the Earth was flat, and fifteen minutes ago, you knew that humans were alone on this planet. Imagine what you'll know tomorrow.
- Edwards: What's the catch?
- Kay: The catch? The catch is you will sever every human contact. Nobody will ever know you exist anywhere. Ever. I'll give you to sunrise to think it over.
- [starts walking away]
- Edwards: [shouting after Kay] Hey! Is it worth it?
- Kay: Oh yeah, it's worth it...
- [starts walking again, stops and turns back briefly]
- Kay: ... if you're strong enough!
- Kay: We do not discharge our weapons in view of the public!
- Jay: Man, we ain't got time for this cover-up bullshit! I don't know whether or not you've forgotten, but there's an Arquillian Battle Cruiser that's about to...
- Kay: There's always an Arquillian Battle Cruiser, or a Corillian Death Ray, or an intergalactic plague that is about to wipe out all life on this miserable little planet, and the only way these people can get on with their happy lives is that they DO NOT KNOW ABOUT IT!
- Jay: All right, I'm in. 'Cause there's some next level shit going on and I'm OK with that. But before y'all go beaming me up there's one thing you gotta remember: You chose me... so you recognized the skills, so I don't want nobody calling me son or kid or sport or nothing like that, cool?
- Kay: Cool, whatever you say, slick, but I need to tell you something about all your skills. As of right now, they mean precisely... dick.
- [K drives a jet-propelled car, while J hangs on screaming]
- Kay: You know, you're much too tense. You're a young man. You need to relax, learn to take some joy in your work. Do you like music?
- [plays Elvis Presley's "The Promised Land" on the radio]
- Kay: That's better.
- [mouths along with Elvis, and drives onto the roof of a tunnel]
- Jay: Aw shit! Aw damn! K! K!
- [K avoids a traffic light and brings the car back to ground level]
- Jay: You do know Elvis is dead, right?
- Kay: No, Elvis is not dead. He just went home.
- Zed: Kay, give the kid a weapon.
- [Kay opens a chest filled with intergalactic guns. He picks up a large rifle]
- Kay: A Series Four De-atomizer.
- Jay: That's what I'm talkin' about.
- Kay: [picks up a very tiny gun and gives it to Jay] Noisy Cricket.
- Jay: [stares the weapon in disgust] Hey, Kay, nah, nah. Come on, man, you - you get a Series Four De-atomizer and I - I get a little - little midgy cricket?
- Kay: [notices Jay is pointing the gun in his direction] WHOA! Kid...
- [grabs the arm Jay is holding the weapon with and points it away from him]
- Jay: Feel like I'm gonna break this damn thing...!
- Kay: All right, Beatrice, there was no alien. The flash of light you saw in the sky was not a UFO. Swamp gas from a weather balloon was trapped in a thermal pocket and reflected the light from Venus.
- Jay: Wait a minute. You just flash that thing, it erases her memory, and you just make up a new one?
- Kay: A standard issue neuralyzer.
- Jay: And that weak-ass story's the best you can come up with?
- Kay: On a more personal note Beatrice, Edgar ran off with an old girlfriend. You're gonna go stay with your mom a couple nights. You're gonna get over it and decide you're better off.
- Jay: Well, yeah, you know, 'cause 'cause he never appreciated you anyway. In fact, you know what - you kicked HIM out! And now that he's gone you're gonna go into town, you go to Bloomingdale's and find some nice dresses, get yourself some shoes, you know, find somewhere, maybe you can get a facial. And, uh, oh - hire a decorator to come in here quick, 'cause... DAMN.
- Kay: This caused the 1977 New York blackout. A practical joke by the great attractor. He thought it was funny as hell.
- [after Kay informs Zed that they have a bug]
- Jay: And what, we don't like bugs?
- Kay: Bugs thrive on carnage, Tiger. They consume, infest, destroy, live off the death and destruction of other species.
- Jay: You were stung as a child, weren't you?
- Kay: Imagine a giant cockroach, with unlimited strength, a massive inferiority complex, and a real short temper, is tear-assing around Manhattan Island in a brand-new Edgar suit. That sound like fun?
- Kay: Arquillian battle rules, kid: first we get an ultimatum, then a warning shot, then we have a galactic standard week to respond.
- Jay: A galactic standard week? How the hell long is that?
- Kay: One hour.
- Jay: One hour... then what?
- [the message translation flashes across the screen: "MIB, DELIVER THE GALAXY OR EARTH WILL BE DESTROYED."]
- Jay: Oh, now that's bullshit.
- [the message adds, "SORRY." The countdown begins]
- Kay: Look, kid, to keep the bugs from getting it, the Arquillians WILL destroy that galaxy.
- Zed: And whatever planet it's on.
- Jay: You're talking about us?
- Zed: [chuckles] Sucks, huh?
- Jay: What branch of the government do we report to?
- Kay: None, they ask too many questions.
- Jay: So who pays for all this?
- Kay: We hold patents on a few gadgets we confiscated from the visitors. Velcro, microwave ovens, liposuction. This is a fascinating little gadget. It'll replace CDs soon. Guess I'll have to buy the 'White Album' again.
- Jay: That's fun.
- Kay: It's a universal translator. We're not even supposed to have it. I'll tell you why. Human thought is so primitive it's looked upon as an infectious disease in some of the better galaxies. That kind of makes you proud, doesn't it?
- Kay: Do you remember the little red button?
- Jay: [warily] Yeah...
- Kay: Push the little red button.
- [Jay pushes it]
- Kay: And you may want to put on a seatbelt...
- [the car flips upside down, sprouts rocket engines and begins riding along the top of the tunnel. Kay is safe because he has a seatbelt on, but Jay is flipped over]
- Jay: Kay! Kayyyyy!
- [the Edgar-Bug has just captured the deputy medical examiner Laurel Weaver and is holding her at ray-gunpoint]
- Kay: Let her go, shit eater.
- Bug: Oh, listen, monkey boy. Compared to you humans, I'm on the top of the evolutionary ladder, so can it, all right?
- Kay: You're breaking my heart. Show me your face and I'll cure all your ills.
- Bug: You ever pull the wings off a fly? You care to see the fly get even?
- INS Agent Janus: [seeing K take an immigrant into custody] Sir! Sir, you can't do that...!
- Kay: Don't "Sir" me, young man, you have no idea who you're dealing with!