Walter Matthau credited as playing...
Charlie Gordon
- Herb: [to Gil Godwyn while in the lifeboat] Listen to me, you sniveling little brown-nose. I have lived for 71 years, I've fought a war, I've buried my wife and I've survived 48 white sales at Gimble's. So if you think a little fop like you is gonna stop me, you've got another think coming!
- Gil Godwyn: How DARE you speak to me like that!
- Charlie: May I say something, sir?
- Gil Godwyn: No you may NOT!
- [Charlie blows an air horn in Gil's face]
- Mavis LaBreche: I saw the way you were looking at my daughter's chest.
- Charlie: I used to be a cardiologist.
- Charlie Gordon: Liz... from the first moment I saw you on that ship... it was my intention to lie to you, I swear.
- Liz LaBreche: Well, *that's* sweet.
- Charlie Gordon: What I didn't intend, was falling in love with you.
- [Herb and Charlie have successfully left the ship in the lifeboat]
- Gil Godwyn: [furiously] I hope your boat capsizes and you drown like bloody rats!
- Charlie, Herb: Bye!
- [Ellen Carruthers walks in at this point]
- Gil Godwyn: When that old bag makes me VP, I'll see to it you two never work on a cruise ship again as long as you LIVE!
- [turns around, sees Ellen]
- Gil Godwyn: [shocked, but tries to save face] Good evening, Ellen.
- Charlie: I'm waiting for my sexual prime.
- Liz LaBreche: And just when do you think that's gonna happen?
- Charlie: [Charlie looks at watch. She laughs] In about five minutes.
- Gil Godwyn: [Sniffing Charles] Is that cologne, or Armor All?
- Charlie: That's close, close. It's cologne, but I bought it at a gas station.
- Liz LaBreche: [Charlie fakes a fall onto the deck to hide from Gil spotting him fraternizing with Liz] Oh, what's the matter? Are you all right?
- Charlie: An old football injury.
- Liz LaBreche: College?
- Charlie: No, professional. The Jets blew a 30-point lead against the Dolphins. I tried to throw my TV set out the window.
- Ellen Carruthers: [Dancing with Charlie, who is extremely awkward] What do you call this step?
- Charlie: This is called "the Brazilian Creep."
- Ellen Carruthers: Oh?
- Charlie: In Brazil, of course, it's just called "the creep".
- Charlie: What do I look like, a schmuck?
- Mavis: The jury's still out on that one.
- Liz LaBreche: Shut up, ma. We're keepin' him.
- Charlie: You see, instead of paying for the cruise, I signed us up as dance hosts. So the cruise is free.
- Herb: What do you mean it's free, you idiot, we're WORKING here!
- Charlie: We're not working. We're dancing and cavorting.
- Herb: You moron. You don't even know how to dance!
- Charlie: Well, that's why I brought you along.
- Charlie Gordon: Why are you sterilizing your trousers?
- Herb: [Annoyed] I'm *steaming* them.
- Charlie Gordon: Oh, then what are you gonna' do, eat 'em with garlic butter?
- Herb: It takes the wrinkles out, you imbecile!
- Charlie Gordon: Huh! When a man is steaming his pants at midnight, it generally means there's a broad.
- Herb: No broad!
- Charlie Gordon: Well, that's too bad, 'cause I got one lined up: rich... "Texas rich." With an ass so beautiful, it's a shame she has to sit down on it.
- Herb: Will you do me a favor and just knock that stuff off?
- Charlie Gordon: Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot you were cooking.
- Liz LaBreche: My husband was in the oil business with my dad. If daddy trusted him, I figured I could trust him, too.
- Charlie: So, what happened?
- Liz LaBreche: Well, as it turned out, there were a lot of test wells he was drillin' on the side.
- Charlie: Should've had him neutered.
- Liz LaBreche: Oh, I did, ha ha. Except I used an attorney instead of a doctor.
- Charlie: [Seeing Vivian entering the dance area] So... it's the broad that stole our airplane seats.
- Herb: [Annoyed] That "broad" happens to have been an editor at Doubleday.
- Charlie: Who cares?
- Herb: All I was, was a clerk at Gimbel's.
- Charlie: And Secretariat was just a horse. Go on, ask her to dance!
- Herb: Oh, it's too late, Charlie.
- Charlie: There's no such thing as "too late". That's why they invented death!
- Mavis: Hah! A couple of gold diggers, comin' up empty. That's terrific!
- Charlie: We've still got the check from Carswell for $18,000.
- Liz LaBreche: But I thought you tore that...... .
- [shows her the check taped back together]
- Liz LaBreche: You TAPED it!
- [laughs]
- Leon the Pilot: [Last lines] $50 apiece for picking up the two studs!
- Mavis: They ought to give you $50 apiece for CALLING them studs!
- Charlie: Herb, lend me $50 will you? All I got is this check.
- Herb: You're not getting' a nickel out of me, Charlie!