Cameron Diaz credited as playing...
Lotte Schwartz
- Lotte Schwartz: I think it's kinda sexy that John Malkovich has a portal, y'know, sort of like, it's like, like he has a vagina. It's sort of vaginal, y'know, like he has a, he has a penis AND a vagina. I mean, it's sort of like... Malkovich's... feminine side. I like that.
- Maxine: Craig! I just - I don't find you attractive. And Lotte, I'm smitten with you. I am; but, only when you're in Malkovich. When I looked into his eyes last night, I could feel you peering out.
- Lotte Schwartz: Really?
- Maxine: Behind the stubble and the too prominent brow and the male pattern baldness, I sensed your feminine longing. And it just slew me.
- Lotte Schwartz: I've been going over and over my experience last night, Craig. It was amazing. I've decided - that I'm a transsexual. I know! It's the craziest thing, Craig!
- Craig Schwartz: What are you fuckin' nuts!
- Lotte Schwartz: No, it's just that for the first time everything just felt right! I've got to make sure. But, if the feeling is still there, I'm gonna talk to Dr. Feldman about sexual reassignment surgery.
- Craig Schwartz: Listen, this is absurd! Besides, Feldman is an allergist. If you're going to do something, do it right! We've talked about this plenty of times. Alright, you get these half-ass ideas and then you do a half-assed job. Just drop it!
- Lotte Schwartz: It's just that I really, you know, I like Dr. Feldman. Alright? So, I thought that I would ask him his opinion. What - is there something so terrible about that? Why are you always yelling at me like this?
- Craig Schwartz: Baby, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It's just a phase. It's a phase of seeing through somebody else's eyes. Okay? It'll pass.
- Lotte Schwartz: Don't stand in the way of my actualization as a man.
- [Lotte comes home late at night]
- Craig Schwartz: You were him, weren't you?
- Lotte Schwartz: Yeah.
- Craig Schwartz: And he was with her!
- Lotte Schwartz: We love her, Craig.
- Craig Schwartz: We?
- Lotte Schwartz: John and me.
- Lotte Schwartz: We love her, Craig.
- Craig Schwartz: We?
- Lotte Schwartz: John and me.
- Craig Schwartz: Don't forget about me!
- Lotte Schwartz: Well you have a Maxine action figure to play with!
- Lotte Schwartz: [seeing Craig's busted lip] Oh, Craig! Honey, not again. Why do you do this to yourself, honey?
- Craig Schwartz: I'm a puppeteer.
- Lotte Schwartz: [inside John Malkovich looking at Maxine] You're so beautiful. And the way you're looking at me. I mean, at him, at us. I've never been looked at like this by a woman before. Ah, I think I'm sweating.
- Lotte Schwartz: You know, Craig, once this was a relationship - built on love.
- Craig Schwartz: Well, you gave up that claim after the first time you stuck your dick in Maxine, Lotte.
- Lotte Schwartz: You fell in love with her first, Craig!
- [first lines]
- Lotte Schwartz: Craig, honey, it's time for bed.
- [fade out and in]
- Orrin Hatch the bird: Craig, honey, time to get up, Craig, honey, time to get up, Craig, honey, time to get up, Craig, honey, time to get up,
- Craig Schwartz: Lotte...
- Lotte Schwartz: I'm sorry. I didn't know Orrin Hatch was out of his cage.
- Lotte Schwartz: Craig, I don't understand. There's not - there's no such thing as a hole or a portal into somebody's brain!
- Craig Schwartz: Yes there is!