John Malkovich credited as playing...
John Horatio Malkovich
- Craig Schwartz (in John Malkovich): There is truth, and there are lies, and art always tells the truth. Even when it's lying.
- Guy in Restaurant: 'Scuse me.
- John Malkovich: Mm-hmm?
- Guy in Restaurant: Are you John Malkovich?
- John Malkovich: Yes, I am.
- Guy in Restaurant: Wow! You're really, uh, great in that movie...
- John Malkovich: Oh?
- Guy in Restaurant: ...where you play that retard.
- John Malkovich: Oh, thank you very much. Thank you.
- Guy in Restaurant: I have a cousin... who's a retard.
- John Malkovich: Oh, thank you.
- Guy in Restaurant: Yeah. So, um... as you might imagine, it... means a lot to me to see... retards... portrayed, uh, on the silver screen so compassionately.
- John Malkovich: Well, thank you very much, I appreciate it.
- Maxine: Let's have sex on his table and then make him eat an omelette off of it.
- John Malkovich: NO!
- [Craig regains control]
- Craig Schwartz (in John Malkovich): Shut up, you overrated piece of shit.
- John Malkovich: I have seen a world that NO man should see!
- Craig Schwartz: Really? Because for most people it's a rather enjoyable experience.
- John Malkovich: That portal is mine and it must be sealed forever - for the love of God.
- Craig Schwartz: Mr. Malkovich, sir, with all due respect, I discovered that portal. I mean, it's my livelihood. You understand?
- John Malkovich: It's my head, Schwartz. It's my head! I will see you in court!
- [Malkovich trudges off along the shoulder of the turnpike]
- Craig Schwartz: [calling after him] What makes you think I won't be seeing what you're seeing... in court?
- John Malkovich: The weird thing is, this Maxine likes to call me "Lotte".
- Charlie: Ouch. That is hot. Maybe she's using you to channel some dead lesbian lover. Sounds like my kind of gal. Let me know when you're done with her, yeah?
- John Malkovich: What are you talking about, "Done with her", man? Tonight really freaked me out!
- Larry the Agent: John! Great to see you! Sorry about the cunt at reception.
- Craig Schwartz (in John Malkovich): This is my fiancée Maxine.
- Larry the Agent: Great to see you, Maxine. Sorry about the cunt at reception. Please have a seat.
- Craig Schwartz (in John Malkovich): You see, Maxine, it isn't just playing with dolls.
- Maxine: You're right, my darling, it's so much more. It's playing with people!
- [During sex]
- John Malkovich: Did you call me Lotte?
- Maxine: Yeah, do you mind?
- John Malkovich: No, not really.
- Cab Driver: I thought you were alright in that one movie.
- John Malkovich: Thank you.
- Cab Driver: Yeah, that one where you played a jewel thief?
- John Malkovich: I - never played a jewel thief.
- Cab Driver: No? Who am I thinkin' of?
- John Malkovich: I don't know.
- Cab Driver: Just, eh, no. No, I'm pretty sure it was you.
- Craig Schwartz: My name is Craig Schwartz - and we operate a little business here that simulates for our clientele, well, the experience - of being you, actually.
- John Malkovich: Simulate?
- Craig Schwartz: Yeah, after a fashion.
- John Malkovich: What exactly does that mean?
- Craig Schwartz: Well, it's hard to describe.
- John Malkovich: I want to do it.
- Craig Schwartz: Well, I'm sure that would pale in comparison to the actual experience.
- John Malkovich: I want to do it!
- Craig Schwartz: Well, right now, Mr. Hiroshi's in the tube and he's got...
- Maxine: Let him do it, Craig.
- Craig Schwartz: Of course! Right this way, Mr. Malkovich. Compliments of the house.
- John Malkovich: What are you doing?
- Puppeteer: I'm making it weep.
- John Malkovich: But how can you make it weep when you yourself are not weeping? Don't do that bullshit again.
- John Malkovich: The Broadhurst Theater, please.
- Cab Driver: Hey, say, eh, ain't you that actor guy?
- John Malkovich: Yes.
- Cab Driver: Hey, John, eh, what is, eh, John, eh, um, um, ah, don't tell me. Eh, Mapplethorpe?
- John Malkovich: Malkovich.
- Cab Driver: Malkovich! Right, right, okay.
- John Malkovich: [onstage playing Richard III] Was ever woman in this humour woo'd? Was ever woman in this humour won?
- John Malkovich: Something was making me talk. Some - goddamn thing was making me move. I gotta get outta here.
- Maxine: Oh, doll face! It was just - your passion for me taking hold.
- John Malkovich: No! Doll face, I know what my passion taking hold feels like.
- John Malkovich: [in disguise] Excuse me, sir. Exactly what type of service does this company provide?
- Sad Man in Line: You get to be John Malkovich for 15 minutes. 200 clams.