The Crippled Masters

Well this chopsocky flick sure has a memorable premise. Two actually disabled martial artists - a thalidomide man with no arms and a man with useless withered legs - team up to get revenge on the evil master who maimed them. The Spice Girls sung a song called '2 Become 1' and I believe its just possible that Geri and the gang got the idea for their number one single after taking a time out from their girl power based activities to unwind to a VHS tape of The Crippled Masters. What Posh and all the rest of them conveniently chose to ignore, however, is that there is a pretty obvious inbuilt exploitative angle to this one, although this also ensures that it is a very distinctive kung fu movie overall which I'm sure Sporty in particular enjoyed, being the one most likely to appreciate the martial arts element in this movie seeing as she regularly wore trainers and tracky bottoms. While Baby may have found the story a little formulaic, she would no doubt have weighed that up with the consolation that the action is elevated a lot by the tricks the crippled masters pull off in their fights, which are highly impressive and comedic at times also. I get the feeling going by the exuberance of their song that the Spice Girls not only found this way above par for a 70's Hong Kong-Taiwanese martial arts co-production but that they also used it as inspiration to go on and conquer the pop world in a general sense.

The movie flies out of the starting gate with the punishment of Lee Ho. We do not know his crime, just that his arms have to go. You heard correctly. They chop off both his arms. As further humiliation and disgrace, they throw his bleeding, armless body into the dusty street. Minutes after his loss, Lee Ho stumbles through the streets, where his bleeding and armless body is mistaken for a beggar. He offers a man a little money to let him eat, for the promise of double pay the next time (think J. Wellington Wimpy type). He never actually gets to eat anything but is nearly beaten to death. He gets thrown out with the trash and dead bodies, ending up being rescued by the undertaker. He is then discovered by Black and White (henchman of Nin Li Kong, a.k.a. the Master, pronounced Ninja Kong) and is beaten again. After nearly drowning, feeding on some leftover rice and pig feed, Lee finds some purpose. We see Lee performing lots of chores, games and even fighting skills. This is very inspirational stuff.

Ninja Kong (a.k.a - the Master) continues the carnage by taking out the man responsible for dishing out the punishment to Lee. He pours acid over his legs, beats him up and then throws him thrown off a cliff. Ninja Kong seems like he might be Triad. He is constantly trying to strong arm people. He has a scar under his left arm and a playboy mustache. The legless one manages to crawl away but kismet intervenes and instead he meets up with Lee. Lee is obviously angry and pounds on the "leg-less" master.

In the middle of this fight, a wise-old man pops out of a basket. He does this a few times during the movie. He teaches Lee to forgive and unite. United they can exorcise their revenge on the person responsible for everything : Ninja Kong. We next see the traditional "training" sequences. We see all the deeds these two "crippled" masters can pull off. This is some more inspirational stuff. There is also something about the 8 Jade Horses that people are after, but I lost track of things after a while.

The ending is a bit predictable and a final conflict between protagonists and antagonist is quite obvious. The methodology is the surprise. It must be seen to be believed. There is also a great first person perspective of getting our butts handed to us. This movie feels like it could have been used as communist manifesto. I can very easily imagine seeing this movie at a Saturday night "party meeting". What this movie does have is the guaranteed pick-me up. No matter how sick, angry, down or depressed you are, watching this movie will guarantee you will feel more content with your own situation. Who knew contentment could be had for a one time fee of $5 from your local DVD merchant?

-Celluloid Rehab

After antagonising Lin Chang Cao (Chen Mu Chuan), the local crime-boss and deadly master of kung-fu, a couple of gang members are mutilated (one by having his arms chopped off, the other by having his legs eaten away with acid) and left to die. But, through their indomitable wills and with the assistance of an incredibly flexible yoga/kung-fu master, they become deadly fighters, both alone and as a pair. The film is typical low-budget chop-socky with a ridiculous story, a terrible script and/or dubbing, ludicrous over-the-top fight scenes, and (most notably) ridiculous sound-effects. For fans of 70s kung-fu movies, this is all part of the fun but what separates this outing from its peers, and perhaps elevates it to a classic of exploitation cinema, is its cast: Frankie Shum, who was born with only a partial left arm (due to in utero thalidomide exposure) is the armless Lee Ho, and Jackie Conn, whose legs were congenitally atrophied and non-functional, plays the 'leg-less' Tang. The pair are remarkable athletes and, although their fighting prowess seems a bit unlikely under the circumstances, make great heroes as they methodically dispatch Lin Chang Cao's various henchmen before the inevitable final confrontation. Whether the film (like 'Freaks' or 'Terror in Tiny Town' before it) is exploitation or empowerment (or both) can be discussed, but in the end it gave some exposure (and presumably some cash) to a couple of artists who likely found their options limited. Although the film belongs Shum and Conn, the 'Old Man' who can fit himself into a basket (played by Yoga-master Ho Chiu) is also incredible to watch. Oddly, the film opens with a stagey demonstration of the three stars' athletic abilities before cutting to the story proper. Shown as part of TCM's recent focus on 'people with disabilities in film' and probably not what most people would expect at such a retrospective. Recommended as a one-of-a-kind WTF movie to anyone would still tune in after reading a synopsis.

This is a pretty ordinary martial arts flick overall, plot-wise. Good Guy is done wrong, is trained in martial arts by an Old Master, good guy gets revenge, the end. The Good Guy, in this case, however, is not just humiliated like the heroes in these films generally are, but dismembered. Both arms are hacked off. Then he's humiliated. There is an interesting twist, however, in that the fellow who has the hero's arms hacked off has his own legs shriveled into uselessness by the Bad Guy, Lin Chung Kung, pouring acid on them. There are some decent martial arts sequences to keep things interesting, but when The Old Master is introduced into the story, seemingly for no reason at all, in food basket, it just gets too corny. I suppose no one really expects high cinematic art from these things, though, do they?

One of the most interesting things about this film are the stars, Frankie Sum (Lee Ho) and Jack Conn (Tau). Sum was a thialidomide baby leaving him born with underdeveloped arms. Conn's legs were left small and withered due to developmental problems during his mother's pregnancy. The result is a film watched with the same voyeuristic interest that you have watching Tod Browning's Freaks. It's at times so disturbing you can't look away. Their acting is at best wooden (though Sum's work with the staff is pretty cool), but give them credit for trying.

Bad acting, worse dialog, but I can't understand why this one hasn't developed the cult following it deserves. Not an outstanding film, even by the low standards of the genre, but it should be seen by aficionados of the grotesque and martial arts both at least once.

"The Crippled Masters" manages to establish it's tone quite early: within the first ten minutes, you already know this thing isn't going to make a lick of sense. If you were to get your arms cut off would you a)bleed heavily and shriek like a little girl or b)just sorta walk it off and go to a teahouse? If you went for a), you have no business being in this movie's universe. This movie relies heavily on the one gimmick it has going for it, but thankfully it's good enough to last...until around halfway or so. The problem I sorta have here is that they came up with a plot so genius that they didn't bother to do any more writing. The structure is your typical first act injustice-second act training-third act vengeance drill, done without any real wit, creativity or even decent-looking martial arts. These choreographies are really poor, it never looks the least bit convincing that these masters are hurting the villains at all. To make matters worse you hear punch sound effects on the worst possible times. Who dubs in a sound effect during a choke hold, let alone that particular sound effect? Did the sound guys even watch the movie while they did all this? It's just kind of a lazy production, that's all I'm saying. But the gimmick well, it still provides a lot of fun. You just wish they had saved this idea for a production that knew what to do with it. Oh well, I enjoyed it anyway.