The Crippled Masters

"The Crippled Masters" manages to establish it's tone quite early: within the first ten minutes, you already know this thing isn't going to make a lick of sense. If you were to get your arms cut off would you a)bleed heavily and shriek like a little girl or b)just sorta walk it off and go to a teahouse? If you went for a), you have no business being in this movie's universe. This movie relies heavily on the one gimmick it has going for it, but thankfully it's good enough to last...until around halfway or so. The problem I sorta have here is that they came up with a plot so genius that they didn't bother to do any more writing. The structure is your typical first act injustice-second act training-third act vengeance drill, done without any real wit, creativity or even decent-looking martial arts. These choreographies are really poor, it never looks the least bit convincing that these masters are hurting the villains at all. To make matters worse you hear punch sound effects on the worst possible times. Who dubs in a sound effect during a choke hold, let alone that particular sound effect? Did the sound guys even watch the movie while they did all this? It's just kind of a lazy production, that's all I'm saying. But the gimmick well, it still provides a lot of fun. You just wish they had saved this idea for a production that knew what to do with it. Oh well, I enjoyed it anyway.

Well this chopsocky flick sure has a memorable premise. Two actually disabled martial artists - a thalidomide man with no arms and a man with useless withered legs - team up to get revenge on the evil master who maimed them. The Spice Girls sung a song called '2 Become 1' and I believe its just possible that Geri and the gang got the idea for their number one single after taking a time out from their girl power based activities to unwind to a VHS tape of The Crippled Masters. What Posh and all the rest of them conveniently chose to ignore, however, is that there is a pretty obvious inbuilt exploitative angle to this one, although this also ensures that it is a very distinctive kung fu movie overall which I'm sure Sporty in particular enjoyed, being the one most likely to appreciate the martial arts element in this movie seeing as she regularly wore trainers and tracky bottoms. While Baby may have found the story a little formulaic, she would no doubt have weighed that up with the consolation that the action is elevated a lot by the tricks the crippled masters pull off in their fights, which are highly impressive and comedic at times also. I get the feeling going by the exuberance of their song that the Spice Girls not only found this way above par for a 70's Hong Kong-Taiwanese martial arts co-production but that they also used it as inspiration to go on and conquer the pop world in a general sense.

If you think you would enjoy watching a movie about an armless kung-fu warrior and a legless kung-fu warrior who team up to get back at the guys who chopped them up... this is your movie

If you can put aside story sophistication, story line continuity, and class, you will utterly love this movie.

It is a bizarre story of two crippled people working together to beat their evil master. Once these former enemies pair up with some help along the way, they go head to head with their former master in an unforgettable fight scene in the end.

The Kung Fu was OK, but the ingenuity makes it worth it.

It's mindless fun and the kind of movie that everyone with a sense of humor will love.

Enjoyment factor: 10 Sophistication factor: 0

"The Crippled Masters" qualifies as one of the weirdest entries in the Kung Fu genre, which was so popular in urban grindhouses in the early to mid-70's. Despite the 1984 copyright date, this curiosity obviously was filmed at least 10 years earlier & no doubt played a rat infested, inner city theater or two.

No actors or technicians are credited on the New Line print in circulation, but longtime fans will obviously spot some genre vets in supporting roles. The actually crippled "stars" (an armless man and his near-legless partner)probably made this one picture & then faded into obscurity.

A secret Kung Fu society banishes one of its members, but not before cutting of the poor unfortunate fellow's arms. Soon, the individual who presided over this cruel punishment is, himself, banished, suffering an acid bath that nearly disintegrates his legs. Improbably, they end up as partners under the tutelage of an ancient, alcoholic-looking "master" who teaches them kung fu, to help them to exact revenge on the leader of the secret society who ordered their mutilations.

Also figuring into the plot is the search for the "8 Jade Horses", statuettes that imbue "one who understands" with great kung fu powers. Each side wants them, including a "government" investigator sent to find them. This sets the stage for several interminable and amateurish "chop-socky" set pieces as the film lunges and kicks towards its conclusion.

As usual, the dubbing of this Hong Kong production is atrocious and the sound effects accompanying the various blows sound like those of a poorly produced video game. The chief interest of this film is it's sheer "political incorrectness", as it exploits the humiliations experienced by the poor unfortunate cripples cast in the lead roles.

Sadistically sick, but in a cheesy sort of way, it's a definite guilty pleasure. Best viewed with a cold six pack handy!