Terror Express

I've got to say, I'm a big fan of these 'Last House on the Left' rip-offs, even the ones that most people seem to hate are often held in relatively high esteem by me; but one of these sorts of films that I didn't like much was Aldo Lado's 'Night Train Murders', and unfortunately it would seem that trains and The Last House on the Left don't mix, as Terror Express is another lacklustre rip-off. Something that this sort of film really needs is a resoundingly nasty lead character; and while Terror Express offers up three potential candidates, not one of them steps up and becomes this villain, leaving the lacking in the most important area. It actually gets off to a good start as three young men on a passenger train begin slightly irritating the guests on board. This leads the audience to believe that there is more in store, but unfortunately it never really gets going once the scene has been set. From there, the trio end up 'taking over' the train and use their new found power to terrorise the guests and rape the women.

It has to be said that there's a fair amount of sleaze in this film, which will be pleasing to many viewers; but there's hardly any blood. Director Ferdinando Baldi seemed to think that he could get away with replacing the blood with sex scenes, and he may have gotten away with it too; if he could film a brutal sex scene. The idea that these men have taken the train by force goes out of the window once it gets to the sex, as the people that you would expect to be powerful and forceful seem all too keen to show their women a good time, and despite one very tame 'sandwich' sequence, none of the sex is particularly interesting. Since a lot of the film is taken up by these sex scenes, this becomes a massive problem. Films like this are often lacking in style, suspense and credibility; but you know you're watching a bad one when it's boring you. As you might expect, none of the acting is up to anything; and the central three in particular stand out for being rubbish. The direction is lacking in style, and there's very little tension or suspense; making it difficult to care what is going to happen. Overall, this is a pretty crappy example of an exploitation film, and I can't recommend it.

I actually liked Terror Express quite a bit. It's a complete Last House ripoff set totally on a moving train with three miscast actors playing psychos raping and murdering passengers. Actually, the thought of Carlo De Mejo as a scummy sleazeball seemed quite amusing to me, and gay actor Werner Pochath seemed strangely convincing as a sexually frustrated ex-con. Venantini Venantini and Zora Kerova make a pretty hilarious couple, and Silvia Dionisio gets naked enough to please most fans. A few people who acted in BURIAL GROUND around the same time also pop by, including that Pauly Shore-lookin guy who kept saying "Give me some more Cartridges." Granted there's lots of rape scenes, sex, and general depravity, but the film is generally really slow going and lacking in action or violence. Funny things to watch for: Nick Alexander doing a dopey pseudo-British accent as the voice of the pimp/train conductor, and Carlo De Mejo, Zora Kerova, and some other guy making a "Sex Sandwich" while standing up naked in a cramped compartment. I never thought I'd see this! that's for sure!

I also noticed Marcello Giombini's musical score really sounded like a big ripoff of the musical score for THE WARRIORS, complete with all the little synthesized musical stings combined with shots of the train... Ferdinando Baldi's movies rock, I wonder why nobody really seems to give a c**p about his work. I really liked Viva Django, which actually topped the original in most ways, and this film is definitely worth checking out; granted it's no Hitch Hike.

Terror Express is another entry into the Last House on the Left sub-genre that emerged in the 70s. To its credit its one of the more enjoyable films full of sleazy characters and a top-notch cast. Look out for Zora Kerova's double entry scene, the weirdo father who secretly wants to make love to his daughter, and Carlo De Mejo in an almost hardcore sequence involving the said daughter. Jesus how could anyone ever describe this film as dull? Not for the easily offended for sure but definitely one for the collection of any Italian horror-sleaze merchant.

Directed by Fernando Baldi, this Italian train-bound thriller is pure exploitation, its plot clearly inspired by the success of infamous shocker Last House on the Left and its many imitators (most notably, Aldo Lado's Night Train Murders).

Like so many disaster movies of the '70s, the film begins by introducing us to various passengers destined for a most unpleasant journey, and the three despicable slime-balls responsible for their suffering: David (Werner Pochath), Ernie (Carlo De Mejo) and Phil (Fausto Lombardi). After an excruciatingly long establishing shot of the train leaving the station, the film gradually picks up speed, with the trio of dirt-bags making eyes at all of the hot women, and causing trouble for the conductor (Gino Milli), who makes extra cash by pimping out lovely hooker Juliet (Silvia Dionisio) to the passengers.

The sleaze starts when dissatisfied wife Anna (Zora Kerova, from Cannibal Ferox) allows Ernie to have sex with her in the washroom; the couple strip off and get down to business, but to Anna's surprise, they are joined by David, the men forcing her into a standing-up threesome (one riding up front, the other in the caboose?). Meanwhile, Phil tries to break into Juliet's cabin for a little fun of his own.

One of the passengers, a policeman escorting prisoner Peter (Gianluigi Chirizzi) to Germany, intervenes, but is overpowered by the thugs, who take his gun; Peter is released and his handcuffs used to constrain the copper.

Not sleazy enough for you so far? Well how about this then? Sexy teenager Evelyn (Fiammetta Flamini) is feeling hot, so her father (Roberto Caporali) suggests she gets naked, which she does, before slipping back under her bed covers. Dear dad then goes to visit Juliet, insisting that the hooker wears his daughter's nightdress and lets him call her Evelyn. That's right... dad's got a thing for his daughter! Naughty, naughty!

From here-on in, its continuous sex and general debauchery, until the train stops so that a wheel-tapper can inspect the train, at which point nice-guy convict Peter decides to play the hero and fight back. I was hoping for some satisfying violence to round off the film, the three extremely irritating baddies fully deserving of grisly and graphic demises, but Baldi really fumbles the ball here, his trio of obnoxious jerks killed off in really lame fashion: David is hit by a passing train (at least I think that's what happens; it's unclear and very dark), Ernie is pushed off the train while it is moving, and Phil is stabbed by Peter, the actual stabbing occurring off the edge of the screen.

There's enough depravity to keep most exploitation fans happy for the duration, but the ending needed to be much stronger to qualify the film as a classic of the genre. 5.5/10, rounded up to 6 for IMDb.

Another sadistic and ultra-sleazy late 70's/early 80's revenge movie?? Wes Craven sure launched a popular trend with his "Last House on the Left" Although "Terror Express" is more like a rip-off of other rip-offs, like "I Spit on your Grave" and especially "Night Train Murders". Storywise, this movie has absolutely nothing new to offer so the only thing left to do for director Ferdinando Baldi was to multiply the sleaze-factor by a thousand! This is actually just a soft core porn flick that gets a little bit rough near the ending. On the night train from Rome are three hopelessly imbecile loser running amok. They provoke the male travelers and sexually harass the females. Things get a little out of control and a traveling convict comes to the rescue of a prostitute who keeps being screwed around by the three. This is a very tame movie and there wasn't even enough budget to buy a couple bags of fake blood. This type of movies is generally infamous for the brutal rape sequences and the discriminating behavior towards women, but the sex in "Terror Express" isn't unsettling at all. On the contrary, these 'rapists' spend more time orally pleasuring their victims then getting some themselves! The music is great, the dialogs are unintentionally hilarious and the characters are the most ridiculous ones I ever beheld. The villains are wimps and the train-passengers are so motionless they look like part of the set. If you like your exploitation as sleazy as it gets, this is your film. However, your hunger for blood and controversy will definitely not be stilled. "Terror Express" should be in the porn-section of videostores.