Scott Caan credited as playing...
Tweeter
- Charlie Tweeder: Will you listen to me? Bitches are all just panty droppers. You understand? That's it.
- Mox: What?
- Charlie Tweeder: Listen. You give 'em a Percocet, two Vicodin and a couple of beers, and the panties drop. It's very nice.
- Mox: [laughing]
- Charlie Tweeder: [emphatically] It's nice.
- Mox: Tweeder, you think you'll enjoy prison?
- Charlie Tweeder: [not paying attention] I don't know.
- Charlie Tweeder: [looks into his jockstrap] The fuck is that?
- Charlie Tweeder: Hey, you wanna see the new Tweeder end zone dance?
- [Tweeder dances]
- Charlie Tweeder: You know what it's called?
- Mox: What?
- Charlie Tweeder: The New Tweeder End Zone Dance.
- Charlie Tweeder: [re the 'borrowed' patrol car] Well, we're all naked in there and we've got handcuffs and cool shit to play with, so take off your clothes and get in the car.
- Police Officer: Congratulations.
- Charlie Tweeder: Congratulations to you, too.
- Police Officer: Congratulations for what?
- Charlie Tweeder: For getting to wear such cute "mount me" hats.
- Police Officer: Mount me?
- Charlie Tweeder: Not right away. After a few drinks...
- Charlie Tweeder: [Mooning Mox and Billy Bob through the truck window] Good moonin, boys! Good moonin! I have been up since the crack of dawn and I had to *ass* you a question.
- Charlie Tweeder: [Mox lines up the second string offense in an unusual formation] What the hell kind of offense is that? Kilmer's gonna eat his ass, watch this...
- [Kilmer blows his whistle]
- Charlie Tweeder: What is up with Carrie Ann Baker?
- Billy Bob: Darcy's friend?
- Charlie Tweeder: Oh my God! She's got this look. Like, I just fell out of the I'm-gonna-suck-your-dick tree and hit every branch on the way down!
- Charlie Tweeder: [a trainer is about to administer a shot to Wendell's knee as the other players walk in on it] Hey coach, I heard a pop. I... you know, I think he's hurt pretty bad.
- Coach Bud Kilmer: Get outta here! Y'all wouldn't know anything about it! Dedication, team play!
- Lance Harbor: [bursting in on crutches] But I would. Don't do it, Wendell... it's not worth it, man.
- Coach Bud Kilmer: [to Wendell] You gonna listen to that from a gimp... who's praying that we lose so he can be the missing link?
- Wendell: Maybe I shouldn't do it.
- Coach Bud Kilmer: [to the rest of the players] Get the hell outta here...
- Lance Harbor: [to Wendell] Don't do it.
- Coach Bud Kilmer: ...before I lose my temper!
- [grabs Lance]
- Coach Bud Kilmer: Get out!
- Charlie Tweeder: Don't do it.
- Billy Bob: [to Kilmer] That needle goes anywhere near Wendell's leg, I swear to God, on my mother's grave, I will rip your arms off and beat you to death with them!
- Coach Bud Kilmer: [shocked] You stay the hell outta this, Billy Bob! This has nothing to do with you!
- Mox: This has to do with all of us. We kill ourselves for you. Year round, we play hurt, we play sick, and we spend most of that time scared that we're gonna screw up and you're gonna kick our ass because you
- [Kilmer attempts to close the door in Mox's face, but Mox stops it]
- Mox: don't really give a fuck about us! All you care about is your next district title.
- Charlie Tweeder: Jonathan Moxon, you are under arrest for not being naked with some sophomore chick who wants to bathe you with her tongue. Now take off your goddamn clothes and get in the car.
- Charlie Tweeder: Say I'm stupid and I'm about to get hit in the nuts.
- Billy Bob: That's funny.
- Charlie Tweeder: Ain't it funny? That's what I mean. See they need to change the name of the show to America's funniest shots in the nuts.
- Charlie Tweeder: [re the stolen police car] They're about as sharp as a box of marbles, but we're all naked in there, and we got handcuffs and cool shit to play with.