George Carlin credited as playing...
George Carlin
- George Carlin: [talking about different phrases we use] One more of these, "In your own words." You know you hear that a lot in a court room. Or a classroom, they'll say, "Tell us... in your own words." Do you have your own words? Hey, I'm using the ones everyone else has been using! Next time they tell you to say something in your own words, say "Niq fluk bwarney quando floo!"
- George Carlin: Why is it that most of the people who are against abortion are people you wouldn't want to fuck in the first place?
- George Carlin: People say life begins at conception, I say life began about a billion years ago and it's a continuous process.
- George Carlin: Two reasons I don't vote. First of all, it's meaningless. This country was bought and sold and paid for a long time ago. This shit they shuffle around every four years? Doesn't mean a fucking thing.
- [cheers and applause]
- George Carlin: And secondly, I don't vote 'cause I believe if you vote, you have no right to complain. People like to twist that around, I know; they say... they say "Well, if you don't vote, you have no right to complain." But where's the logic in that? If you vote, and you elect dishonest, incompetent people and they get into office and screw everything up, well you are responsible for what they have done. You caused the problem. You voted them in. You have no right to complain. I, on the other hand...
- [laughter]
- George Carlin: ...who did not vote... who did not vote... who, in fact, did not even leave the house on election day, am in no way responsible for what these people have done and have every right to complain as loud as I want about the mess you created that I had nothing to do with. So, I know a little later on this year, you're gonna have another one of those really swell presidential elections that you like so much. You'll enjoy yourselves, it'll be a lot of fun. I'm sure as soon as the election is over, your country will improve immediately. As for me, I'll be home on that day doing essentially the same thing as you; the only difference is when I get finished masturbating, I'm gonna have a little something to show for it, folks.
- George Carlin: And let me ask you this: the two pandas in the zoo. Do you care if they fuck? I don't. Why don't they stop telling me on the news the pandas didn't fuck again this year? I'm not concerned. I have no emotional stake in panda fucking, all right? If they want to, they will; if not, they'll watch "The Price is Right". Probably the only reason they're not doing it on time is 'cause some jackoff from the environmental movement has moved into the cage with them. Could you get a hard-on if some guy in a green t-shirt with a stopwatch was taking your girlfriend's rectal temperature? Leave these creatures alone!
- George Carlin: Here's another question I have. How come when it's us, it's an "abortion", and when it's a chicken, it's an "omelet"? Are we so much better than chickens all of a sudden? When did this happen that we pass chickens in goodness? Name six ways we're better than chickens.
- [brief silence]
- George Carlin: See, nobody can do it! You know why? Because chickens are decent people! You don't see chickens running around in drug gangs, do you? No, you don't see a chicken strapping some guy to a chair and hooking up his nuts to a car battery, do you? When's the last chicken you heard about came home from work and beat the shit out of his hen? Doesn't happen. Because chickens are decent people!
- George Carlin: I'm also tired of hearing about innocent victims. This is an outmoded idea; there are no innocent victims. If you live on this planet, you're guilty, period, fuck you, end of report, next case. Next fucking case.
- [applause]
- George Carlin: Next case. Your birth certificate is proof of guilt.
- George Carlin: Another crime against society: hyphenated names. Hey, lady, pick a fucking name, would you, please? Pick a fucking name. "Hi, I'm Emily Jericor-Fortescue." Hi, I'm George Jerkmeoff-Fuckyoutoo.
- [about the nonsensical phrases Americans use]
- George Carlin: "You know where you can stick it." Well, why do we always assume everyone knows where they can stick it? Suppose you don't know; suppose you're a new guy. You have absolutely no idea where to stick it. I think there ought to be a government booklet entitled "Where to Stick It."
- [pause]
- George Carlin: Now that I think of it, I believe there *is* a government booklet like that. They send it to you on April 15th.
- George Carlin: What about guys who tell you "I heard that." I heard that. Oh, you did, did you? Well, isn't this exciting? Did I walk into a Belltone commercial? Of course you heard me, you fuckin' nimrod, I'm standing right next to you!
- [audience bursts into laughter]
- George Carlin: I'm gonna move down here. I'm gonna move a little farther away. BLOW ME! By any chance, did you hear that?
- George Carlin: The longer you listen to this abortion debate, the more you hear the phrase "sanctity of life," "sanctity of life." You believe in it? Personally, I think it's a bunch of shit. I mean, life is sacred? Who said so? God? Hey, if you read history, you realize that God is one of the leading causes of death.
- George Carlin: If you're pre-born, you're fine, if you're pre-schooled, you're fucked. Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers. Pro-life, these people aren't pro-life, they're killing doctors, what kind of pro-life is that? What, they'll do everything they can do save a fetus, but if it grows up to be a doctor they just might have to kill it?
- George Carlin: Are we so much better than chickens all of a sudden? When did this happen, that we passed chickens in goodness? Name six ways that we're better than chickens. See, nobody can do it. You know why? Cause chickens are decent people.
- George Carlin: You can go back further than that- what about the carbon atoms, heh? Life could not exist without carbon. So is it just possible that maybe we shouldn't be burning all of this coal?
- George Carlin: What else is troubling me? Mickey Mouse's birthday being announced on the television news as if it were an actual event! I don't give a shit! If I cared about Mickey Mouse's birthday, I would have memorized it years ago! And I'd send him a card, "Dear Mickey, Happy Birthday, Love George". I don't do that. Why? Don't give a shit! Fuck Mickey Mouse! Fuck him in the asshole with a big rubber dick! Then break it off and beat him with the rest of him! I hope Mickey dies. I do, I hope he goddamn dies. I hope he gets a hold of some tainted cheese, and dies lonely and forgotten behind the baseboard of a soiled bathroom in a poor neighborhood, with his hand in Goofy's pants. Mickey Mouse - no wonder no one takes our country seriously. We waste valuable television time informing our citizens of the age of an imaginary rodent!
- George Carlin: The next guy who says "Badda-boom badda-bing" to me is getting kicked right in the fucking nuts.
- [pantomimes kicking a guy in the nuts]
- George Carlin: Badda BOOM, mother fucker! Wanna try "badda bing"?
- George Carlin: Make-believe cowboys. Closest they've ever gotten to a cow is when they stopped to take a piss at an Arby's.
- George Carlin: It's like the Riot Act. The Riot Act. They always tell you they're gonna read that to you. Have you heard this thing at all? Like when you're a kid, they threaten you.
- [as scolding mother]
- George Carlin: "You wait 'til your father gets home. He's gonna read you the riot act!"
- [as small child]
- George Carlin: "Tell him I already read it myself. And I didn't like it, either; I consider it wordy and poorly thought out. He wants to read me something, how about 'The Gentlemen's Guide to the Golden Age of Blowjobs'?"
- George Carlin: "Out walking the streets." A guy gets a parole, you say "No! Instead of being in prison, this guy is out walkin' the streets!" How do we know?
- [laughter]
- George Carlin: Maybe the guy's home bangin' the babysitter. Not everyone who gets a parole is out walkin' the fucking streets. A lot of times, they'll steal a car. "Thank God he stole a car! At least he's not out walkin' the streets!"
- George Carlin: This next piece of material is fairly simple. It's called "free floating hostility." Twenty-four minor cultural items I'm bored with, tired of, and pissed at. So I hope you're ready for a little random anger.
- [applause]
- George Carlin: People who make quote marks in the air with their fingers. "He said he was 'sober'."
- [laughter]
- George Carlin: Hey lady: "EAT ME!"
- [laughter]
- George Carlin: [about Catholics] They're against abortion and they're against homosexuals. Well who has less abortions than homosexuals? Leave these fuckin' people alone for christ sakes. Here is a entire group of people gaurenteed never to have an abortion.
- George Carlin: If everything that ever lived is dead, and everything that's alive is gonna die, where does the sacred part come in?