Julia Roberts: Kiki Harrison

America's Sweethearts

Kiki Harrison

Kiki: [imitating Gwen] "Oh, Kiki, my butter has touched another food. I need new butter." "Anything you want, honey." That's the way it goes, Lee. Right? You're a publicist, you know. Anything they want, right? She's got a green dress. Looks like crap on her. Brings out the circles under her eyes, she knows it, I know it. She gave it to me. It actually looks pretty nice on me. Then she said, well, maybe she wanted it back, you know? She doesn't want it, she just doesn't want me to have it. That's the truth.

Kiki: [imitating Gwen] Kiki? Kiki-kins? Who's smoking? I smell smoke. Is someone smoking within a six mile radius of where I'm standing? Stop them, Kiki, stop them!

Kiki: You know what this is? This is high school all over again. Nothing has changed. You wanted to break up with one of your boyfriends in high school, did you do it? No! You made me do it.
Gwen: I did not!
Kiki: Oh, please! Let's just refresh your memory. Robert Mancuta?
Gwen: Eww!
Kiki: Kyle Hassler?
Gwen: Oh, God...
Kiki: Toby Franks? Half the lacrosse team? Ring a bell? Huh? By the end of the year, I was the most hated girl in school.
Gwen: That's not true.
Kiki: My quote in the yearbook was, "Hey, we have to talk." I was despised.

Eddie: Kiki! Hold on, hold on, I want to talk. Come on...
Kiki: Let go of me!
Eddie: Just... I want to talk to you!
Kiki: I don't want to talk to you!
Eddie: Why not?
Kiki: Because you're an idiot!
Eddie: Well?
Kiki: You know what? For that matter, I'm an idiot, too. In that respect, we're actually quite perfect for each other.
Eddie: This is a very complicated situation...
Kiki: Well, let me uncomplicate it for you, huh? Forget about what happened between us, Eddie. It's not going to work, all right? I mean, last night... last night was great. But then she calls you this morning, and you just cannot wait to get out the door to get to her! What is that? It's just not going to work, 'cause you will probably always be thinking about her, and I will probably always be wondering if you were thinking about her. I just... I just need you to know one thing.
Eddie: What?
Kiki: That woman that you saw by the pool the other night...
Eddie: Forget about that.
Kiki: No, that woman that you just have to spend the rest of your life with...
[beat]
Kiki: That was me.

Kiki: [Eddie has just told Gwen he's "not technically" seeing anyone] Well, that's fascinating. "Not technically"... hmm. That's, uh, that's sad, really. That's, uh... that's a shame.
[Kiki slams her frying pan on the table in front of Gwen]
Kiki: Here are your eggs, my darling sister, I hope that's runny enough for you. And you, you son of a bitch!
[Kiki dumps the eggs in Eddie's lap]
Kiki: Here are your eggs! There you go!
Gwen: What the hell is wrong with you, Kiki?
Kiki: A lot, actually, and you know, I cannot believe that it's taken me this long to figure it out! And... and... and I'm going to go for a long walk now, just to simmer down. But before I do, I would just like to cut through the bullshit. You see, sister, the reason why he's not *technically* seeing anyone is because he's still *technically* hung up on you.
[turns to Eddie]
Kiki: And you, you... moron! The only reason she's here, besides trying to salvage her precious career, is to serve you with divorce papers. There, I've said it! I've done all I can do here. I'm going for a walk because that's, you know... leaving is just something that I've really perfected over the years. And so, once more, with feeling!
[Kiki storms out]
Gwen: She was so much more fun when she was fat.

Kiki: What are they, out of butter? How can you run out of butter.
Lee: Well, I have one theory...
Kiki: You know what? I need an assistant, because if I had an assistant, she would be outside right now MILKING A COW and I would never, EVER, run out of butter!

Eddie: I am grateful for you. In all the world, thing I am most grateful for is you.
Kiki: If that's a line from one of your movies...
Eddie: No, that one's mine.

Lee: So what is it? You're in love with Eddie?
Kiki: [long pause] Wouldn't that be stupid?
Lee: Kiki, I've done every one of their movies. I've never seen him look at her the way he's been looking at you. And if you're in love, you should just go for it... the way you went for this breakfast.

Kiki: Nobody hates you.
Gwen: Oh yes, they do. I was in a store the other day, you know that great store on Melrose? And there was a baby in a stroller and he was looking up at me and he was judging me. The whole world is judging me for what I did to Eddie.

Kiki: [after Hector hits Eddie in the face with a tray] Eddie, Eddie, are you okay?
Eddie: I can feel my nose in the back of my throat, is that bad?

Kiki: You really need to go to this junket.
Gwen: [shakes her head] No.
Kiki: Why not?
Gwen: I'm afraid.
Kiki: Of...?
Gwen: That I'll see Eddie and he'll be this destroyed, pathetic mess and I'll feel guilty. And I'm tired of feeling guilty, Kiki, I really am.
Kiki: I know.
Gwen: I'm always thinking about other people.
Kiki: I know you are.
Gwen: It's awful when you're the only person who cares about other people's feelings. If they see Eddie and he's down and depressed, they're going to pity him and blame me.
Kiki: So, what you're really worried about is you.
Gwen: Of course.

Kiki: You know the expression, "falling off the wagon", Lee? This is what it looks like.
Lee: Yeah, but you got twenty or thirty pounds of food to break your fall. What the hell happened?
Kiki: Bad morning. Preceded by thirty three bad years.
Lee: Does this have something to do with Gwen?