Catherine Zeta-Jones credited as playing...
Gwen Harrison
- Kiki: You know what this is? This is high school all over again. Nothing has changed. You wanted to break up with one of your boyfriends in high school, did you do it? No! You made me do it.
- Gwen: I did not!
- Kiki: Oh, please! Let's just refresh your memory. Robert Mancuta?
- Gwen: Eww!
- Kiki: Kyle Hassler?
- Gwen: Oh, God...
- Kiki: Toby Franks? Half the lacrosse team? Ring a bell? Huh? By the end of the year, I was the most hated girl in school.
- Gwen: That's not true.
- Kiki: My quote in the yearbook was, "Hey, we have to talk." I was despised.
- Lee: You look fabulous!
- Kiki: Thank you.
- Lee: Look at you! What did you do? Is it your hair? What is it?
- Kiki: It's my hair, and, uh... I had a little sun...
- Gwen: [bored] She lost sixty pounds.
- [pause]
- Kiki: And... And... And I lost a little weight.
- Lee: I see that. Yeah. You look terrific!
- Kiki: Thank you.
- Lee: Sixty pounds?
- Kiki: Yeah.
- Lee: That's a Backstreet Boy!
- Leaf Weidmann: Can I defend my father's work?
- Gwen: No, you cannot. Who's her father?
- Lee: Hal.
- Gwen: No, you cannot!
- Leaf Weidmann: Well, at least let me defend Hector. I only slept with him once, but I know his penis is bigger than a roll of quarters.
- [crowd gasps]
- Gwen: [to Hector] You slept with her?
- Hector: No! I did not...
- Gwen: You slept with her!
- Hector: No! No, she is lying!
- [grabs the microphone]
- Hector: Except for the part about my penis. That's true. It's bigger than coins.
- Kiki: [Eddie has just told Gwen he's "not technically" seeing anyone] Well, that's fascinating. "Not technically"... hmm. That's, uh, that's sad, really. That's, uh... that's a shame.
- [Kiki slams her frying pan on the table in front of Gwen]
- Kiki: Here are your eggs, my darling sister, I hope that's runny enough for you. And you, you son of a bitch!
- [Kiki dumps the eggs in Eddie's lap]
- Kiki: Here are your eggs! There you go!
- Gwen: What the hell is wrong with you, Kiki?
- Kiki: A lot, actually, and you know, I cannot believe that it's taken me this long to figure it out! And... and... and I'm going to go for a long walk now, just to simmer down. But before I do, I would just like to cut through the bullshit. You see, sister, the reason why he's not *technically* seeing anyone is because he's still *technically* hung up on you.
- [turns to Eddie]
- Kiki: And you, you... moron! The only reason she's here, besides trying to salvage her precious career, is to serve you with divorce papers. There, I've said it! I've done all I can do here. I'm going for a walk because that's, you know... leaving is just something that I've really perfected over the years. And so, once more, with feeling!
- [Kiki storms out]
- Gwen: She was so much more fun when she was fat.
- Gwen: You love me.
- Eddie: Yes, I do. I do love you. I love that beautiful, bright, sexy woman up on the screen...
- Gwen: [to the crowd] See? He loves me.
- Eddie: Yeah, the girl I used to make movies with. But that's not the real you. That's you pretending to be real, which you're really good at. So when I'm with you in real life, I think I'm going to be with the real you, but I'm not. I'm with the real you that's with me right now, not the real you from the movies, and I don't want to be with... *you*.
- Kiki: You really need to go to this junket.
- Gwen: [shakes her head] No.
- Kiki: Why not?
- Gwen: I'm afraid.
- Kiki: Of...?
- Gwen: That I'll see Eddie and he'll be this destroyed, pathetic mess and I'll feel guilty. And I'm tired of feeling guilty, Kiki, I really am.
- Kiki: I know.
- Gwen: I'm always thinking about other people.
- Kiki: I know you are.
- Gwen: It's awful when you're the only person who cares about other people's feelings. If they see Eddie and he's down and depressed, they're going to pity him and blame me.
- Kiki: So, what you're really worried about is you.
- Gwen: Of course.
- Larry King: Okay, let's go to phone calls now on "Larry King Live". White Plains, you're on the air with Gwen Harrison.
- Caller #1: Hi, Larry.
- Gwen: Hi!
- Caller #1: Gwen, um... hi. I used to be a big fan, but... I'm sorry, I just can't get over what happened between you and Eddie. I'm so sick over it. I can't sleep at night. How can you?
- Gwen: Well, um... uh...
- Larry King: Well, you do sleep next to a very handsome young Spanish gentleman, do you not?
- [pause]
- Larry King: Let's go to our next call. Rock Island, Illinois, hello.
- Caller #2: Hi, Larry. Gwen, I saw your latest movie.
- Gwen: Thank you!
- Caller #2: I just couldn't sit through it. I can't watch you without Eddie. It's just not the same.
- Gwen: [caught on Hal's hidden camera] I slept with him.
- Kiki: [gasps] Hector?
- Gwen: Yeah.
- Kiki: Are you in love with him?
- Gwen: [scoffs] Come on! It's not always about love. Sometimes you just need to get laid. I tell you, he's hot. Handsome. He can go for hours. I just wish he had a bigger, you know... thingy.
- [audience laughs; Gwen and Hector look mortified]
- Kiki: What do you mean?
- Gwen: It's like a roll of quarters.
- [holds out her lipstick]
- Gwen: It's like this. Well...
- [twists lipstick down]
- Gwen: ... maybe like this.
- Lee: So, do you want to arrive first or second?
- Eddie: Second.
- Lee: Be right back.
- [goes to Gwen's limo]
- Lee: He wants to go second.
- Kiki: Let him go second.
- Gwen: He can go second. No, wait a minute. He should go first. I don't want to look like his opening act. I want to go second.
- Kiki: She wants to go second.
- Lee: Second it is.
- [goes back to Eddie's limo]
- Lee: She wants to go second.
- Eddie: Fine, let her come second. I don't care. Let her come behind me. That way she'll be able to see the knife she stuck in my back.
- Lee: Thank you.
- Kiki: [back at Gwen's limo] Great! Second. We're all set.
- Gwen: Who cares?
- Kiki: She doesn't care.
- Gwen: Yes, I do! I'm going first!
- Eddie: [back at Eddie's limo] I don't care! I don't care! Why is this an issue?
- Lee: I'm just trying to facilitate the...
- Eddie: I don't care! Can we just get to the hotel?
- Lee: You're going second.
- Eddie: [rolling up the window] I don't care! I don't care! I don't care! I don't care! I don't care!
- Lee: You're going second. Eddie? You're going second.
- Eddie: [rolls down the window] I don't care.
- Lee: Okay. Thank you.
- [Eddie rolls up the window]
- Lee: Well, that was easy.
- Limo Driver: I don't know why we have to go second.
- Eddie: JUST DRIVE THE CAR!
- Kiki: Look... I'm tired of making excuses. I'm done picking up dirty clothes. I'm done pretending that your life is my whole life. I'm just... I'm done.
- Gwen: So what you're really worried about is you.
- Kiki: [thinks for a second] Yes.
- Gwen: Well, I... guess you're fired.
- [Gwen darts a glance at the audience, then throws her arms around Kiki]
- Gwen: Honey! You know all I care about is your happiness. You know that, right?
- Kiki: Wow. Thank you, Gwen, that's very...
- Gwen: [pulls away from Kiki and grabs the microphone] So don't worry about me, everybody. I'll be fine!
- [audience applauds]
- Eddie: You're unbelievable.
- Gwen: Shut up!