Stanley Tucci credited as playing...
Dave Kingman
- Kingman: I spent eighty-six million dollars of the studio's money on twenty seconds of titles. That's all he sent me. The *titles*! And a note: "Dave, we could also do these in blue."
- [angrily crumples the note and hurls it to the floor]
- Kingman: We *had* to make a Hal Weidmann picture!
- Davis: The man's won three Oscars. He's a genius.
- Kingman: No! There's only been one genius in this business, and that was Señor Wences! A little lipstick, some hair, and his hand, and the guy had a career for eighty-five years!
- Kingman: [on the phone] Hi, Hal? How are you, darling? I've been thinking about you cause I... I wanted to... to... to send you a basket or something. How's the movie?
- Hal Weidmann: It's finding its way.
- Kingman: Well, do you think it could find its way to the studio? Because we have a few little things to do with it, like *finish* it.
- Hal Weidmann: It's finished, Dave.
- Kingman: Oh. Great! How is it?
- Hal Weidmann: My mother thinks it's the best thing I've ever done.
- Kingman: Can I speak with her?
- Hal Weidmann: No, Dave.
- Kingman: Can we send someone to pick it up, Hal?
- Hal Weidmann: You know, Dave, you haven't said anything yet about the titles.
- Kingman: Oh. Oh, I love them. I have no notes.
- Hal Weidmann: When's the press junket?
- Kingman: [apprehensively] Weekend of the 21st. Why?
- Hal Weidmann: Cause I want the press to be the first to see it.
- Kingman: No...
- Hal Weidmann: I'll bring it to the junket. We'll all experience it together.
- Kingman: No, Hal! No, no, no! No, no, I'm the head of the studio! I don't experience things with the press!
- Hal Weidmann: I'm hanging up now, Dave.
- Dave: Remember the crazy guy in the woods?
- Davis: Ted Kaczynski.
- Dave: Who, the guy at Fox?
- Lee: The Unabomber.
- Dave: Yeah, the Unabomber. Okay? Remember how he lived in that little cabin?
- Lee: So?
- Dave: Hal Weidmann bought that cabin from the government and had it moved onto his property. That is where he edits his movies. That is his little, twisted, sicko office.
- Lee: Tell me what you want, I'll tell you what I want.
- Kingman: Okay, I want only one thing. If people think that Eddie and Gwen are going to get back together again, they will go see this movie. I need you to make that happen.
- Lee: [scoffs] Oh, that'll be easy.
- Kingman: Well, look, just make it look like maybe it *could* happen...
- Lee: Dave, she has a restraining order against him, and he flipped out, he's nuts! He's living in some nut hut up in the mountains or something.
- Kingman: So what? I don't care! I need Eddie and Gwen back together again, smiling and happy! We can sell the shit out of that, Lee.
- Lee: What about the Spaniard?
- Kingman: Unless I get a script called "I Shtupped Castro", I don't know what to do with him. So what do you want?
- Lee: [points] I want the golf cart.
- Kingman: No, that was a gift from Arnold, so...
- Lee: I'm kidding.
- Kingman: Oh... okay.
- Lee: I can have anything?
- Kingman: Yeah, any... within reason, yeah.
- Lee: I want my job back.
- Kingman: Lee, don't do this to me...
- Lee: [picks up his stuff, turns to walk away] Listen, have a nice junket. Drop me a line, let me know how it went.
- Kingman: All right, Lee. Yes. If you get Eddie and Gwen back together again, you can have your job back.
- Dave: Well, Lee, I have to say, you have completely outdone yourself. In twenty-four hours, you've given us a walk in the woods, a romantic dinner, and a fist fight. I can't wait to see what happens next!
- Lee: [pointedly] Maybe I can get him to commit suicide. Would you like that?
- Dave: I don't know. Let me think about it.
- Lee: Oh, yeah. I mean, it won't help the initial release, but it'll rent like crazy when it goes to video. We can do a box like a coffin, maybe wrap it in a little black ribbon.
- Dave: Ooh, yeah. No, that's good. No, no, wait... imagine if he killed himself at the premiere.
- [pause]
- Dave: I'm joking... I mean, I'm... thinking out loud, or whatever you call it.