Ben Stiller credited as playing...
Chas Tenenbaum
- [in a hospital ward]
- Chas: Why did you try to kill yourself?
- Ethel: Don't press him right now.
- Richie: I wrote a suicide note.
- Chas: You did?
- Richie: Yeah. Right after I regained consciousness.
- Chas: Can we read it?
- Richie: No.
- Chas: Can you paraphrase it for us?
- Richie: I don't think so.
- Chas: Is it dark?
- Richie: Of course it's dark, it's a suicide note.
- Royal: First thing I want to do is take you out to see your grandmother, at some point.
- Richie: I haven't been out there since I was 6.
- Margot: I haven't been out there at all, I was never invited.
- Royal: Well, she wasn't your real grandmother, and I never knew how much interest you had, uh, sweetie. Anyway, you're invited now.
- Richie: You know, Rachael's buried out there too.
- Royal: Who?
- Chas: My wife.
- Royal: Oh, that's right, isn't it. Well, we'll have to swing by her grave too.
- [Chas slams his book shut and angrily walks out]
- Royal: [to Chas] Well... you sued me... twice. Got me disbarred. I don't hold it against you, do I?
- [cut to Chas and Royal in court, sitting with their lawyers in front of the Judge]
- Judge: And how is it possible for Mr. Tenenbaum to withdraw these funds without your written authorization?
- Royal: Objection, Your Honor. Damn it, I...
- Royal's Lawyer: Why don't you leave the objections to me, Royal?
- Chas: Because I started the corporation when I was a minor. So, my father was the primary signatory on most of my accounts.
- [Chas' lawyer whispers in his ear]
- Chas: He also stole bonds out of my safety deposit box when I was fourteen.
- [Royal looks at Chas, then back at the judge. He chuckles uncomfortably]
- Royal: [back in present day, to Chas] You think you could start forgiving me?
- Chas: Why should I?
- Royal: Because you're hurting me.
- Richie: I think he's very lonely. Lonelier than he lets on. Maybe lonelier than he even realizes.
- Ethel: Have you spoken to him about this?
- Richie: Briefly. And he agreed that...
- Chas: I'm sorry, maybe I'm a little confused here. What are you suggesting?
- Richie: That he come here and stay in my room.
- Chas: Are you out of your mind?
- Richie: No. I'm not. Anyway I think he'd be much more comfortable here than at...
- Chas: Who gives a shit?
- Richie: I do.
- Chas: You poor sucker. You poor, washed up papa's boy.
- [Chas Tenenbaum and his sons enter his mother's house with several bags]
- Etheline Tenenbaum: Chas? What's going on?
- Chas: We got locked out of our apartment.
- Etheline Tenenbaum: Well, did you call a locksmith?
- Chas: Uh huh.
- Etheline Tenenbaum: Well, I don't understand. Did you pack your bags before you got locked out?
- Royal: [laying some flowers on the grave of his mother - Helen O'Reilly Tenenbaum, 1899-1954] She was a tough old broad, wasn't she?
- Chas: I wouldn't know. Excuse me.
- [he starts to head off with his sons Ari and Uzi to visit their mother's grave]
- Royal: Oh, that's right, we've got another body buried here, haven't we?
- Uzi Tenenbaum: Who's your father?
- Chas: His name is Royal Tenenbaum.
- Ari: You told us he was already dead.
- Chas: Yeah, well, now he's really dying.
- Chas: Please don't get in the middle of this, Mr. Sherman. This is a family matter.
- Margot: Don't talk to him like that.
- Henry Sherman: Call me Henry.
- Chas: I prefer Mr. Sherman.
- Ethel: Call him Henry.
- Chas: Why? I don't know him that well.
- Ethel: You've known him for 10 years.
- Chas: As your accountant, Mr. Sherman, yes.
- Chas: Looks like you and Dad are back together again, huh.
- Richie: He's your dad too, Chas.
- Chas: No, he's not.
- Richie: Yes, he is.
- Chas: You really hate me, don't you?
- Richie: No. I don't. I love you.
- Chas: Well, I don't know what you think you're gonna get out of this, but believe me, whatever it is, it's not worth it.
- Richie: Chas. I don't want to hurt you. I know what you and the boys have been through. You're my brother and I love you.
- Chas: Stop saying that!
- [after seeing Royal asleep on a hospital bed with a heart monitor and IV at his bedside]
- Chas: Get out.
- Royal: I got a pretty bad case of cancer.
- Chas: [yawns] How long you gonna last?
- Royal: Not long.
- Chas: A month? A year?
- Royal: About six weeks. Let me get to the point, the three of you and your mother are all I've got and I love you more than anything.
- [Chas scoffs and mock laughs]
- Royal: Chas, let me finish here. I've got six weeks to set things right with you and I aim to do it. Will you give me a chance?
- Chas: No.
- Royal: Do you speak for everyone?
- Chas: I speak for myself.