Ashton Kutcher credited as playing...
Tom Stansfield
- [Jack Taylor introduces his pet owl]
- Jack Taylor: This is O.J.
- Tom Stansfield: O.J.? Like the murderer?
- Jack Taylor: No, like the football player. O.J. Simpson.
- Jack Taylor: What's this I hear about you threatening to spray this play with an AK-47?
- Tom Stansfield: Oh... well, I was just making a joke.
- Jack Taylor: Oh that's funny to you? People dying? And what's this I hear about you making fun of midgets?
- Tom Stansfield: I never make fun of midgets!
- Jack Taylor: You said, it would be fun to date one because then you could rest your beer on their head, now I have a sense of humour, but that's just sick.
- T.J.: You rat me out, I'm gonna carve you like a turkey and beat your kids with what's left of you.
- Tom Stansfield: I don't have any kids.
- T.J.: I can wait.
- Tom Stansfield: I appreciate all your help, but could you make sure that your friends stay out of the house?
- Audrey Bennett: All of them or just the colored guy?
- Tom Stansfield: No, all of them.
- Audrey Bennett: Oh, that's smart. That way the colored guy won't take it personal.
- Audrey Bennett: Speed, tell Tom about Kennedy's assassination. This is so cool, Tom, Speed knows who killed JFK. No ask him, Tom, ask him! Ask him who killed him!
- Tom Stansfield: Alright, alright. Who killed JFK?
- Speed: Desi... Arnaz.
- [Tom sees a mouse running loose, runs away to catch it]
- Speed: [to Audrey] His life just changed.
- Jack Taylor: [opens door] Very good. Right on time.
- Tom Stansfield: Oh. Sir. Uh, ah, is that a bear-trap?
- Jack Taylor: Yes. It's to keep the neighbours' kids out of my yard.
- Audrey Bennett: Was that an owl?
- Tom Stansfield: Yes! O.J. got out! How is he flying?
- Audrey Bennett: Well, he is a bird.
- Lisa Taylor: [discovered Tom in compromising position] We're done. You must think I'm a complete idiot.
- Tom Stansfield: No! No! I'm telling you, I was just checking these girls for breast cancer!
- Lisa Taylor: You make me sick!