Adam Sandler credited as playing...
Davey • Whitey • Eleanore • Deer
- Davey Stone: [Drops fries on try which spells Bite Me] .
- Whitey: Jokes on you tough guy! I can't read!
- [Smiles]
- Whitey: .
- Eleanor Duvall: You're an animal.
- Davey Stone: And you're bald!
- [rips her wig off]
- Eleanor Duvall: Not again.
- [faints]
- Whitey: You're not welcome in my house.
- Davey Stone: Good, your house SUCKS!
- Jennifer: Do you have to be mean to everybody who tries to help you?
- Davey Stone: That's my problem!
- [tosses wig which hands on the Waiter's head]
- Chinese Waiter: He just a no-goodnik, and *I* am the real Kristi Yamaguchi
- Narrator: Wow. Just when you started to really like Davey, he goes and has a butthole relapse.
- Davey Stone: Ugh! Jeezum crow! Did I just see two Persian cats on your ass? I think I'm gonna
- [burping]
- Davey Stone: barf.
- Whitey: Your honor, if it pleases the court, I'd like to interject for a moment.
- Chinese Waiter: What the hell was that? Did anybody else hear a parakeet and have I gone crazy?
- Davey: I can't believe I haven't killed myself / Here with Wigs McGee and a furry elf / She's neurotic and he's a troll / How did I get stuck in this shithole? / Guess I'll have to deal with your demands / But please don't touch me with your alien hands.
- Whitey: Wow Benjamin, an etch-a-sketch, not too shabby!
- Davey Stone: That's a Gameboy you idiot.
- Whitey: Oh sorry I'm not up on modern technology.
- Davey Stone: I carved our name upon that tree...
- Jennifer: I loved him and he loved me...
- Mayor: My darling wife was once a he...
- Old Lady, Bus Driver & Mayor's Wife: [Guy with a stuble, dress, and blond wig] But that was long ago.
- Eleanor Duvall: They were giving out free lobster bibs in the bathroom.
- Whitey: That's not a lobster bib Eleanore its a germ protector for your tushey.
- Davey Stone: So, what's good about this place?
- Whitey: What's good about it? Everything. You want a pair of socks? My buddy, Mr. Foot Locker will warm your feet. You need a fancy doodad? Hello, Sharper Image. Thanks for the combination pogo stick/clock radio. I mean, The Body Shop, the Tie Rack, GNC, Radio Shack, Petland for a cat or two, Spencer's Gifts for some fake dog doo, Sbarro's, Dunkin' Donuts, they're simply the best. And don't forget the orange chicken at Panda Express. But if you're short of cash like little old me, the window shopping's always free.
- Davey Stone: Was that something you just prepared, or did you just rhyme that many times in a row by accident?
- Whitey: [Smiles] That was weird, wasn't it?
- Davey Stone: Maybe you are a leprechaun.
- Davey Stone: Over there's my family home...
- Jennifer: And the woods we used to roam...
- Whitey: The only time I had sex was on the phone...
- Phone Sex Lady: [Cut to room full of BDSM stuff and a subtitle that says 1-888-BOOBIES] But that was long ago.
- Eleanor Duvall: You know, I read recently in Reader's Digest that people who let themselves cry when they're hurting are often stronger than the people who try to hold all their pain inside.
- Davey Stone: Did you read anything about a deformed referee who spends 35 years trying to win some stupid patch, so he can pretend people actually like him?
- Eleanor Duvall: [Oblivious to the insult] Which month was that in?
- Whitey: [Knowing the insult, very hurt and nearly in tears] Take that back!
- Davey Stone: Look, if they have an award for two of the freakiest fraternal twins that nobody gives a crap about, you two would definitely win it. But the patch thing ain't never gonna happen! Because the truth is, nobody in this town even knows you EXISTS!
- Foot Locker Guy: [after Davey was screaming for Jennifer] Look who finally showed up, we've been waiting for you all night!
- Davey Stone: [Confused] Who said that?
- Foot Locker Guy: I said it! Hey everybody, wake up! This is NOT a rehearsal! Numb nut is here!
- [the mall logos start to come alive]
- Davey Stone: Smell ya later, Poopsicle!
- [laughs]
- Whitey: [Frozen] You're a freaking degenerate.
- Davey Stone: [Far away] I know I am!