Doug E. Doug credited as playing...
Harlan Griffith
- Harlan: [broadcasting over the radio] Now people, "the phones are down" and I know they're gonna tell you that it's a "technical error"!
- Deputy Pete: They're not aliens, they're spiders mutated by contaminated waste!
- Harlan: That's probably a more logical explanation!
- Mike: Take these, you'll need them.
- Chris McCormick: Perfume?
- Mike: Well, spiders have a highly developed sense of smell. The perfume might confuse them.
- Harlan: Great, if we die, we die smelling nice.
- [last lines]
- Harlan: And that, my friends, is the story of how aliens attacked our sleepy little town. And to this day, people refuse to believe the truth about what happened. They would lead you to believe that I would embellish this story, that I would make it up, but we know the truth. Oh yeah, uh, two, two things I forgot to tell you. One, they never did get that probe near me. And two, as far as Chris McCormick reopening the gold mines and putting everyone back to work... Well that, my friends, is another story altogether.
- Deputy Pete: [surrounded by spiders] Hey, you know what? Let's just go back inside. Let's go back inside.
- Harlan: [tries door] Locked.
- Deputy Pete: That's okay.
- Harlan: Plan B?
- Deputy Pete: Um... Right. Tell you what, we're just gonna... We're gonna run away.
- Harlan: Yeah?
- Deputy Pete: Yeah.
- Harlan: Okay.
- Harlan: There's no way you're telling me that thing back there is from Earth!
- Chris McCormick: All right! They're spiders from Mars! You happy?
- Harlan: No.
- Harlan: That's the one who busted up my trailer!
- Chris McCormick: Shh!
- Harlan: I bet you he's their leader!
- Chris McCormick: Harlan, get up here!
- Harlan: I'm afraid of heights.
- Chris McCormick: Heights? Are you afraid of spiders?