Eric Christian Olsen credited as playing...
Austin
- Austin: [to Jake] All I said was, "I'm pretending to whisper a big secret in your ear, so Jake here thinks that I'm telling you a big secret, which will cause him to break into a hysterical confession where he actually reveals... a big secret. Thus confirming everything I just whispered in your ear."
- Jake: What about her?
- [indicating hunchback girl walking by]
- Austin: So baby's got a little back. Hunch, that is. Naah, way too easy.
- Jake: OK.
- [indicates hippy albino girl playing guitar]
- Albino Folk Singer: [singing] I have no pigment...
- Austin: Any girl with a guitar is hot.
- Albino Folk Singer: [continues singing] I need sunscreen...
- Austin: Granted, she's a hippy albino. She could still be prom queen.
- Jake: OK, uh, what about the Fratelli sisters?
- [indicates awkward Siamese twins conjoined at the head]
- Austin: So they're slightly disfigured and connected at the head. But combined, those two make up one pretty decent chick.
- Reggie Ray: Yeah, I'd do 'em.
- Austin: I know you would, Reggie Ray. But no, I'm looking for somebody who's really messed up. I'm talking about a real shitbomb.
- [Janie Briggs walks by]
- Austin: Well, bombs away!
- Jake: No, no, no, no, anyone but her! Not... Janey Briggs! Guys, she's got glasses and a ponytail! Aw, look at that, she's got paint on her overalls, what is that? Guys, there's no way she could be prom queen!
- Malik: Damn! That shit's whack!
- Jake: How could Priscilla dump me, Jake Wyler? I mean who the hell does she think she is?
- Austin: I got two words for ya, Jake: Prom Queen... material.
- Jake: Austin, she's an illusion. Ok, you take away the make-up, the clothes, the way she wears her hair, the smell of her perfume, that cute little face she makes when she's tonguing my balls. Look she's totally replaceable.
- Austin: Looks like you've got a thing for butt-ugly girls, Mr. I've Got A Thing For Butt-Ugly Girls!
- Austin: My freshman year I threw 176 touchdown passes. My sophomore year I ran in 14 myself... with a sprained ankle, a broken phalange, a ruptured duodenum, and a subdermal hematoma.
- Austin: Jake Wyler. So congratulations, man, you just blew my perfect season. Senor You-Just-Blew-My-Perfect-Season!
- Jake: What do you want, Austin?
- Austin: A life.
- [pause]
- Austin: And payback.
- Jake: C'mon man, don't do this.
- Austin: No, man, I think I'll hang around. Maybe tell Janey a little S-E-C-R-E-T-P...