Tim Allen credited as playing...
Joe Scheffer
- Joe: That's Mark McKinney! He's a seven-year employee. W-what's he doing in the ten-year lot?
- Natalie Scheffer: Maybe he's gonna stand around for another three years.
- Meg Harper: You're having a panic attack, do you know what that means?
- Joe: It sounds pretty self-explanatory.
- Natalie Scheffer: HEY, that guy is an ass-wipe!
- Joe: NATALIE...
- Natalie Scheffer: Sorry, I meant "ass-guy".
- Natalie Scheffer: [on the phone with Joe] Dad, just tell me something. Is it you don't wanna see me. Or is it you don't want me to see you?
- Joe: Yes... Yes to the second one.
- Natalie Scheffer: [crying] DAD, just please let me come over. Just for a little while...
- Joe: It's okay. Everything's all right. I'm just sittin' here drowning my sorrows in a - a quart of Ben and Jerrys Chunky Monkey.
- Joe Scheffer: I'm looking for Meg Harper, apartment 508.
- Old Man: Oh, she's up on the roof.
- Joe Scheffer: Are you sure?
- Old Man: Son, I'm a 82-year-old man, and she's a 31 year old woman. Trust me. I know where she is.
- Natalie Scheffer: Everything on the menu was made with curd. Curd this, curd that. I MEAN, I ordered a hamburger and I got a ten-minute lecture on animal rights from the waitress. AND the guy in the play was half naked!
- Joe: WHAT? Which half?
- Callie: We had a great weekend. Did she tell you about the play?
- Joe: Yeah. The actors were naked.
- Natalie Scheffer: So were the ushers.
- Callie: They were not!
- Joe: Callie, Beauty and The Beast is in town. Whats matter with that?
- Natalie Scheffer: Why do I have to spend weekends with them? Can't we just drive by every Saturday and wave?
- Joe Scheffer: Your mom's a little eccentric. Think of her as an exotic flower.
- Natalie Scheffer: And that made you what? Dirt?
- Joe Scheffer: NAT, she's your mom.
- Joe: We gotta get you back to school.
- Natalie Scheffer: DAD, I really wanna talk about this!
- Natalie Scheffer: You know that big jerk took it easy on you, right? What makes you think he won't kill you this time? HUH? DAD!
- Joe: You made your point!
- Natalie Scheffer: GOOD.
- Natalie Scheffer: [watching Joe practice fighting] OH, my god.
- [turns off radio]
- Natalie Scheffer: WHAT ARE YOU, like 12? The guy's gonna hit you back. He's got ARMS!
- Joe: What are you doing here? Don't you have school?
- Natalie Scheffer: I needed to see you.
- Joe Scheffer: Did you have fun?
- Natalie Scheffer: Weekend from hell. They took me to another silly-ass hippie restaurant. With thee most absurd one-man play ever produced!
- Joe Scheffer: "Silly-ass"?
- Natalie Scheffer: Dad...
- Natalie Scheffer: [gets out of the car after Joe gets punched by Mark] LEAVE HIM ALONE, DIRTBAG!
- Joe: Don't call anybody a dirtbag.
- Natalie Scheffer: Daddy, are you okay? You're bleeding.
- Joe: I'm good. I just tripped! I'm okay. Let's go...