Adam Sandler credited as playing...
Longfellow Deeds
- Babe: [reading a poem Deeds wrote for her] "Hard to breathe/Feels like floating/So full of love my heart's exploding./Mouth is dry/Hand are shaking/My heart is yours for the taking./Acting weird/Not myself/Dancing around like the Keebler elf./Finally time/for this poor schlub/To know how it feels to fall in lub."
- Longfellow Deeds: I couldn't find any other words that rhyme with "schlub..."
- [Babe pulls Deeds towards her and the two kiss for one long moment]
- Babe: Oh, Deeds... oh, I am so sorry...
- [breaks into tears and runs away]
- Longfellow Deeds: No, don't be... I mean, that was my first kiss too...
- Longfellow Deeds: So how is the elevator business treating you, Reuben?
- Reuben: Oh, it has its ups and downs.
- [They both start laughing]
- [Deeds comes to rescue a girl fallen into a frozen pond, but stops when he sees it's Babe]
- Longfellow Deeds: Where do you got the camera hidden? In the woods?
- Babe: [shivering] No camera! I'm s-s-so cold! Please!
- Longfellow Deeds: You're gonna get mugged in there, too?
- Babe: I'm s-s-s-so s-s-s-sorry! I really l-l-love you!
- Longfellow Deeds: Bu-bu-bu-bu-bullshit!
- Longfellow Deeds: What are you in for?
- Crazy Eyes: Eeh, I'm doin' an overnighter for bitin' the mailman.
- [waves his hand]
- Crazy Eyes: He was tryin' to cast some spell on me like a wizard or somethin'.
- Longfellow Deeds: You sure about that?
- Crazy Eyes: On second thought, maybe he was just wavin'.
- [waves hand then sees Chuck and Cecil]
- Crazy Eyes: Who're your friends?
- Longfellow Deeds: This is Chuck and Cecil, they're visiting from New York.
- Crazy Eyes: I don't like 'em.
- Longfellow Deeds: OK then.
- Emilio: How can I thank you?
- Longfellow Deeds: All I want is your friendship, Emilio. You're a good man.
- Emilio: Deeds! How about a billion dollars?
- Longfellow Deeds: All right.
- Emilio: Done.
- Longfellow Deeds: Crazy Eyes.
- Crazy Eyes: Hey, Deeds.
- Longfellow Deeds: How you doin', pal? I got your pizza for you, just the way you like it.
- Crazy Eyes: Oh, yes. French Fries and Oreos, you know me all too well, Deeds.
- John McEnroe: I saw what you did to those guys who were making fun of you. Nice work.
- Longfellow Deeds: You know what it's like to get riled up, don't you Johnny Mac?
- John McEnroe: That I do.
- [Longfellow Deeds is showing Emilio his frostbitten foot]
- Emilio: The hideousness of that foot will haunt my dreams forever.
- Longfellow Deeds: Oh, yeah. I've heard that before
- Babe, aka "Pam Dawson": Oh, you have got to be shittin' me.
- Longfellow Deeds: Whoa... that's the first time I've heard you curse.
- Babe: I'm that excited.
- Longfellow Deeds: You, sir. What did you want to be when you grew up?
- Shareholder: I wanted to be veterinarian.
- Longfellow Deeds: Cool. Why did you want to do that?
- Shareholder: I wanted to help sick animals.
- Longfellow Deeds: And what do you do now?
- Shareholder: I own a chain of slaughterhouses.
- Longfellow Deeds: Kind of went the other way on that one.
- Longfellow Deeds: Anyone else?
- Shareholder: I wanted to be a magician!
- Longfellow Deeds: What do you do now?
- Shareholder: I operate a pornographic website.
- Longfellow Deeds: I guess that makes people happy too, in a much grosser way.
- Rev. Al Sharpton: Now Brother Preston is soaring with eagles high above, because he lived a life of love. Yes he's flying way up high, because he was a supercool guy. He's gone away, too soon it seems, leaving behind his unfinished dreams.
- Longfellow Deeds: This guy could live a life writing greeting cards.
- Rev. Al Sharpton: Yes we remember Preston Blake, a man with faith no man could shake. A strength no man could break. A character no man could fake. For goodness sake, let's eat some cake.
- Funeral attendants: Amen.
- Babe: At the lake, when you saved my life... which I never thanked you for...
- Longfellow Deeds: You're welcome.
- Babe: ... you said that you didn't know who I was, and it made me realize... I don't know who I am. So I started working on it, and here's what I've got so far: My name is Babe Bennett. I grew up in Syosset, Long Island. I have brown eyes and I don't know what my natural hair color is anymore. When I was in 5th grade, I got a crush on Walter Cronkite, and... and I really did have that Holly Hobbie notebook I was telling you about. I love Bruce Springsteen, Allman Roka, and Abbott and Costello movies. I don't like licorice or my ankles. Most importantly, I know that I messed up real bad, and I'd be willing to spend the rest of my life begging you to give me another chance, because I am so deeply in love with you, and I know that it's definitely that forever kind of love that...
- Longfellow Deeds: You're crazy.
- [Babe trails off into silence]
- Longfellow Deeds: You have beautiful ankles.
- [In burning building]
- Cat Lady: I'm not leaving without my kitties!
- Longfellow Deeds: How many do you got?
- Cat Lady: Seven.
- Longfellow Deeds: Holy shit. Let's get cracking.
- [he starts to search, but turns back]
- Longfellow Deeds: I apologize for the language.
- Cat Lady: Apology accepted.
- Mac McGrath: Well, it was quite a night for Longfellow Deeds.
- Longfellow Deeds: Oh, no. They're gonna know my name is Longfellow.
- [Deeds' poem is printed on greeting cards all over the state]
- Babe: "Hard to breathe/Feels like floating..."
- Reuben: "So full of love my heart's exploding..."
- Emilio: [stroking a beautiful woman] "Mouth is dry/Hands are shaking..."
- Cecil Anderson: [seated next to Kitty on a bench] "My heart is yours for the taking..."
- Nazo, the Italian Delivery Man: [stroking a cat] "Acting weird/Not myself..."
- Jan: "Dancing around like the Keebler elf..."
- Longfellow Deeds: "Finally time/for this poor schlub/To know how it feels to fall in lub."
- Longfellow Deeds: [to Emilio] Don't be nervous, go ahead. Didn't feel it. Isn't that awesome. Oh, yeah, enjoy the force. I know you're starting to like it aren't ya? You sick! You sick! Why would you do that to me? I'm just kidding you, pal.
- Longfellow Deeds: Ma'am, you were just the victim of a New York City mugger. As I suspected, he was a coward and a weakling, and also wore more cologne than any man should wear.
- Chuck Cedar: He's gonna get 100 grand for that picture. It'll be all over the news in an hour.
- Longfellow Deeds: Well, he deserves it with those James Bond moves he just pulled.
- Chuck Cedar: No, he deserves to get his throat cut. Filthy spy!
- Longfellow Deeds: I bet if we ran into the 6th-grade version of ourselves, they'd give us wet willies and put bubble gum in our hair for even thinking about doing this.
- Shareholder: He's right! I would've beaten my greedy ass red!
- Shareholder: I would've thrown myself off the merry-go-round.
- Shareholder: I would've duct-taped myself naked to a chair and burnt myself with lit cigarettes.
- Longfellow Deeds: Did anyone dream of becoming a psychiatrist? Just kidding.