Jared Harris credited as playing...
Mac McGrath
- Mac McGrath: Are you gonna see him again tonight?
- Babe, aka "Pam Dawson": Yes. I'm calling him around 4. It's when I get off work. Remember, I am Pam Dawson, virgin school nurse from Winchestertonfieldville, Iowa.
- Mac McGrath: Ha ha, that's priceless... YOU a VIRGIN! Ha ha ha!
- Mac McGrath: Well, it was quite a night for Longfellow Deeds.
- Longfellow Deeds: Oh, no. They're gonna know my name is Longfellow.
- Longfellow Deeds: [Deeds and John McEnroe were causing mayhem throughout the streets of New York at night] Watch out, Johnny!
- [John McEnroe jumps very high from the road and lands after the car drives by]
- John McEnroe: What kind of driving is that? You're a fucking disgrace!
- Mac McGrath: [Cut back to Inside Access] No, sir. YOU are a disgrace.
- Babe: He's not a dipshit. He's a good-hearted guy who we think is a weirdo because he doesn't share our sense of ironic detachment. All this hip, snide, smart-alecky...
- Mac McGrath: Bullshit?
- Babe: Yes, bullshit.
- Mac McGrath: Well, in a few moments, I'm going to put on my Versace overcoat, get into my Mercedes, drive to my Fifth Avenue apartment and squeeze my girlfriend's big, fake boobs. And that bullshit you're talking about paid for all of it.
- Babe: I'm gonna tell him that I've fallen in love with him, and who I really am.
- Mac McGrath: And what if he punches you?
- Babe: I'm kinda hoping he does.
- Mac McGrath: Ah, come off it, Babe. You'd actually leave all this for that dipstick?
- Babe: He is not a dipstick! He is a kind, sweet-hearted guy who we think is a dipstick because he doesn't have our sense of cynicism and negative that we put into the news to make it sell!
- Mac McGrath: Garbage!
- Babe: Right!
- Mac McGrath: Well, after this meeting, I'm going down to my limo and head across to my 16-floor mansion to touch my girlfriend's big fake pompoms!
- Babe: Good for you, Mac. But I'm still gonna tell him.
- Mac McGrath: I feel for you, I do. "Big journalist leaves career for Forrest Gump." I'm really gonna miss you...
- [Deeds' rescue is warped and seen on the news as a twisted perversion]
- Babe: He risked his life to save that woman and her pets! He was heroic!
- Mac McGrath: [shrugs] Heroic is nice; depraved and insane is better.