Bernie Mac credited as playing...
Bernie 'Mac' McCullough
- Wanda: Until you treat those kids like they're wanted, below this line
- [draws line on her waist]
- Wanda: off limits.
- Bernie Mac: But that's Bernie Mac's Puffs! Takin' away below the belt. Now THAT'S below the belt. It's extortion, I tell you, and I'm not having it. You can't blackmail this black male. Bernie Mac strong.
- Bernie Mac: [crying] I thought those kids were just spoiled, but all this time they just wanted to go back to the projects. Isn't that the stupidest thing you ever heard? Oh, those beautiful, stupid kids.
- Boy: Bernie rhymes with turkey.
- Bernie Mac: No it doesn't. And it's Mr. Mac. Rhymes with smack, as in upside your head.
- Bernie Mac: Okay, I'll take them to Splash Canyon, but if they give me one excuse, just one excuse, to turn around I'll take it. Anything. Sneeze. Little one wheezes. Glasses fall. Anything! Big one cop an attitude. Anything! We turn right around and I sit here with my air conditioning guilt-free. Quickness. Woosh! "I thought we were going somewhere". "Psych".
- [Chuckles]
- Bernie Mac: Do not touch my TV, my DVD, my stereo, my dual-deck VCR. Do not touch my old school, my new school, my slow jams, my party jams, my happy rap, and you better not touch...
- [voice breaks]
- Bernie Mac: My James Brown.
- Bernie Mac: I would like to give these kids a good home. In fact, there's one a few miles away from here...
- Bernie Mac: She turned on the lights, and there... Hanging on the door was a bloody hook... From the last person who touched Bernie Mac's stereo without his permission.
- [Laughs. Nobody else does]
- Bernie Mac: But seriously, if y'all get hungry, go to a restaurant.
- Vanessa: You ever notice that Bernie Mac is always calling himself 'Bernie Mac'? "Bernie Mac so smart". "Bernie Mac so great". Bernie Mac just likes to say Bernie Mac.
- Bernie Mac: Now wait a minute, Bernie Mac don't do that.
- Bernie Mac: Oh come on now, you just uptight about the Richters.
- Wanda: Oh no, Bernie, I was annoyed about the Richters. I am LIVID about this!
- Bernie Mac: Livid? That's two degrees passed pissed!
- Bernie Mac: [to dog] Shut up before I drop yo ass off at Koreatown. Now hold on, America, don't start writing no letters. I'm just kidding. But am I lying?
- Bernie Mac: Good morning, Vanessa.
- Wimbush, Camille: Uhm.
- Bernie Mac: Oh, I bet I don't feed you in the morning, you'll have somethin' to say!
- Bernie Mac: Okay, first rule of this carpool. No breaking wind in my car. The only gas that Bernie Mac want to be smelling is unleaded.
- Bernie Mac: Jordan's gonna have a case of "assus beatus redus". That's Latin for I'm gonna beat his ass until it glows.