Donald Faison credited as playing...
Dr. Christopher Turk
- Turk: Who are these guys?
- J.D.: These are the last eight guys in the hospital that don't realize I suck at basketball. So here's what gonna happen: I finally mastered my running hook shot so when we go to pick teams I'm gonna hit that shot. Then you say I'll pick that guy at which point Carla is gonna page me and I'll say "*Crap*, I've gotta go." And you'll go "*Damn*, we just lost the best player out here." And then there will be eight guys in the hospital who think I'm good at sports and word will spread.
- Turk: When do you find time to see your patients?
- J.D.: Between these thoughts.
- Dr. Cox: Carla you devil I can't help but notice you love telling jokes. What was it you were saying about your coffee?
- Carla: I said 'It's so good it's like crack'.
- [nurses stare]
- Dr. Cox: Normally you would hear crickets but they were uncomfortable about just how unfunny that was.
- Carla: So what I'm not funny?
- Dr. Cox: I think your very funny when your up on your high horse, you know when you stay right in your wheelhouse. Everyone is funny for something. Barbie is an emotional trainwreck, your husband sells with a cocky attitude...
- Turk: Well you know I do what I do when I do what I do
- Dr. Cox: Alice here sells it with a lost stare, and now that I've said Alice your picturing me as the maid from the Brady Bunch.
- [flash to Cox as the maid]
- Dr. Cox: Am I right?
- [cut back]
- Dr. Cox: Then there are people with funny names... Dr. Beardface, Dr. Mickhead, Col. Doctor, Snoop Dogg Intern...
- Snoop Dogg Intern: Yo!
- Dr. Cox: Sorry Snoop Dogg Resident. Laverne believes in God which is hilarious to me and Ted is the hospital sad sack.
- Ted: I am?
- Dr. Cox: Yes
- Ted: Awwwww!
- Dr. Cox: And me well, I'm funny cause I commit. C-O-M-M-I-T-T-T-T-T-T-T... T
- [points pinky and makes sipping motion]
- Dr. Cox: . To tell you the truth there is only one person here who is funny no matter what he says.
- Dr. Kelso: Are my new boxers made of wool? Cause my weasel's gettin heat stroke.
- Dr. Cox: The point is *PLEASE* don't tell anymore jokes.
- Ted: I'm not really a sad sack?
- Carla: Ted your pen exploded.
- Ted: [looks at shirt] Awww!
- [realizes ink got on his hand and now is wiped on his head]
- Ted: AWWWW MAN!
- Carla: Christopher!
- Chris Turk: Christopher? You only call me Christopher when you're mad or when we're having sex... Baby, are you mad when we're having sex?
- Carla: Sometimes.
- [Turk shows his new interns the patient list]
- Chris Turk: This guy needs brain work, this guy needs a heart...
- J.D.: This one needs courage.
- Chris Turk: Helping or hurting, JD? Helping or hurting?
- Chris Turk: [to Carla] Baby. You've always known about my sleep toots. Hell, you used to imitate the sound they made, remember?
- Nurse Roberts: I make Mr. Roberts wear special air-tight boxer shorts.
- Chris Turk: Laverne, I wrote the guest list for this conversation, and just in case, if you're wondering, you're not on it!
- Turk: [voice-over] It's weird. Just by the simple act of pushing me to do the right thing, I remembered why Carla's the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with.
- J.D.: I am not addicted to Journey
- Chris Turk: [singing] She's just a small-town girl...
- J.D.: [singing] Livin' in a lonely wor-rld, she took the midnight train, going a-n-y-whe-ere.
- [discussing an argument between Elliot and Alex, an attractive social worker J.D. is dating]
- Chris Turk: So, who'd you side with?
- J.D.: Neither; I just pretended I was paged, and then when they said they didn't hear anything, I called them both liars and ran away.
- Chris Turk: Smooth.
- [Turk is picking a team for a basketball game. JD throws a basketball and it hits him on the head, knocking him unconscious]
- Turk: I got that guy.
- Dr. Kelso: [drunk at Turk and Carlas wedding reception] Ahh, Dr. Turkleton!
- Chris Turk: Actually, sir, it's Turk.
- Dr. Kelso: That's your first name!
- Chris Turk: You think my name is Turk Turkleton?
- Dr. Kelso: [to Carla] ... and Mrs. Turkleton! The Turkletons! Hehehe...
- [to bartender]
- Dr. Kelso: Give me a scotch.
- Chris Turk: You know, I love how kids of divorce really have the market cornered on family dysfunction. But let me share with you a typical Thanksgiving at the Turk household: It starts with my mother yelling at my sister for yelling at my grandmother who's yelling at the television screen, which happens to be the microwave. And then my militant brother Jabari - formerly Bob - gives my father attitude for using the word black, even though he's referring to the turkey. Which, by the way, only got burnt because instead of turning the oven off, my bi-polar aunt Leslie tried to shove her head in it. But you know what we do? We kiss... and we hug... and we apologize for all the things we said... 'Cause a month later, we gonna get together and do it again at Christmas!
- [Trying to explain to Elliot that he'd perfer not having a kid watch his dad's surgery, but can't say much since the kid is right there]
- Elliot: [In french] Do you speak french?
- Chris Turk: You know, I did learn a little when my high school class went to France, but that was just stuff to pick up chicks.
- Elliot: [French] I really think it would make Tyler feel better if he could watch, ok?
- [Turk is lost]
- Chris Turk: [Bad French] I have... an... Eiffel Tower... in my pants.
- Elliot: What?
- Chris Turk: [Bad French] Grapefruit!
- Chris Turk: Ya know Elliot, eventually you're gonna have to take off your sock.
- Elliot: If I do then from now on whenever you guys look at me all you're going to think is Giant Gross-Foot. It's like that security guard with the hook for the hand, all anybody thinks when they look at him is Big Giant Afro.
- Carla: [gasps] I do think that!
- [Turk is talking about a rival surgeon]
- Chris Turk: Bonnie is killing me; I'm telling you, I cannot beat this woman no matter what I try. She's like a ninja but worse.
- J.D.: Nothing's worse than a ninja - they're masters of every style of combat.
- Carla: Can we please talk about something other than Bonnie?
- Elliot: [to Turk] I think you should give Bonnie a break. You know, it's really hard being a woman around here... you can walk through walls and nobody notices you.
- J.D.: Not entirely unlike a... ninja.
- J.D.: I can't believe you lost our bottle opener.
- Chris Turk: Yeah, I know.
- [quoting JD from earlier]
- Chris Turk: I miss it so much, it hurts sometimes.
- J.D.: You're a bad person.
- Chris Turk: Babe, you gotta understand. A guy will sleep with any woman he finds attractive, no matter how he feels about her. If Tyra Banks drove her car over my mom and then offered to have sex with me, I'd have to dial 9-1-1 in the nude because my pants would already be off!
- Carla: Nice, while your mother lays there dying.
- Chris Turk: [to JD] Tell her.
- J.D.: His mother doesn't die. Tyra uses her connections in the super model world to get Turk's mom's brain put into Heidi Klum's body. She falls in love with me, and we all move in together.
- Chris Turk: Because I love my mom.
- J.D.: Mm, and I would love her too.
- Chris Turk: I don't understand it. This wedding is supposed to be about us - how come I can't be comfortable?
- Carla: And I don't know how many times I have to tell you that you are not wearing sweats!