Barbra Streisand credited as playing...
Roz Focker
- [the Fockers' outgoing message]
- Bernie Focker: Hello, you've reached the Fockers. We're not around, so leave us a message. Goodbye. Roz, how the hell do you shut this thing off?
- Roz Focker: I have no idea. Just press a button.
- Bernie Focker: All right, I'm pretty sure it's off. Honey, you want a chimichanga?
- Roz Focker: I thought they give you gas.
- Bernie Focker: A little bit, but it's worth it.
- Roz Focker: Yeah, worth it for you, but I'm the one that gets the fumes.
- Bernie Focker: Honey, I'm in the mood for a chimichanga!
- Roz Focker: So make a chimichang...
- [beep]
- Jack Byrnes: I don't care if they did call you Larry Poppins. You are completely unfit to handle a child.
- Greg Focker: It was Barry Poppins.
- Jack Byrnes: What kind of sick cocktail were you going to make my grandson?
- Roz Focker: Jack, the baby's teething. I told Greg to give him some rum to ease the pain.
- Jack Byrnes: It was your idea?
- Roz Focker: Yes.
- Jack Byrnes: What is wrong with you people?
- Bernie Focker: You people?
- Dina Byrnes: Jack, I used to rub bourbon on Denny's gums.
- Jack Byrnes: Yeah, look what happened to him! Greg, you couldn't follow a simple set of instructions?
- Greg Focker: Jack, he was screaming. So I went in and I gave him a little attention. Okay?
- Jack Byrnes: He's learning to self-soothe. These setbacks are disastrous for his devlopment.
- Roz Focker: The child is adorable, but you're not raising Little Buddha over here.
- Greg Focker: Mom.
- Jack Byrnes: What are you saying?
- Roz Focker: I'm saying that I have seen that kid eat at least 15 boogers since he's been here and and I've got news for you, Jack. Prodigies don't eat there own boogers.
- Jack Byrnes: And I've got news for you. Prodigies don't come in 10th place every time, either.
- Pam Byrnes: Okay, Dad. That's my fiance.
- Jack Byrnes: I'm sorry. It's just that I've never seen people celebrate mediocrity the way you do.
- Roz Focker: Why? Because we love our son? We hug our son? Let's get down to it. The truth is, you're so concerned about that Little Jack, but I think that it's the Little Jack in you that is crying out for a hug.
- Jack Byrnes: The Little Jack in me?
- [Greg is getting extremely frusrated]
- Roz Focker: Jack, you have issues. I'm trying to understand why you run around with a rubber boob strapped to your chest. I mean, were you ever breastfed? My guess is no.
- Jack Byrnes: Will you spare my the drugstore pyschology.
- Greg Focker: [everyone starts arguing] Everybody! All right. Everybody just... Everybody just STOP, okay?
- [everyone is quiet]
- Greg Focker: Jack, I am not going to make any excuses. Yes, Little Jack wouldn't stop crying so I gave him some hugs and I let him watch TV. I went to answer the phone, I was gone for a second, I came back, he let himself out of the playpen, he put on Scarface, and he glued his hands to the rum bottle. Okay? That's it.
- Greg Focker: Hey, Dad, you shouldn't take Moses into the RV. Jack and Dina have a cat.
- Bernie Focker: Oh, Moses is fine. He's perfectly trained.
- Greg Focker: Dad, he humps everything that moves.
- Roz Focker: [laughing] He's like his father!
- Bernie Focker: I never cheated on you!
- Roz Focker: [giving Jack a Hawaiian massage] You are a caged lion! But lions can't be captive their entire lives. They have to be free to roam the bush. Free and wild! Your wife is a hot sexy tigress and she's waiting for you to pounce on her! Let me hear you roar, baby, roar! Your body is talking to me. It's hungry for action! I can feel it. Unleash the beast inside you, Jack!
- Roz Focker: How's your sex life?
- Dina Byrnes: I can't tell you that!
- Roz Focker: I'm a professional. Dina, I'm a sex therapist specializing in senior sexuality.
- Dina Byrnes: I knew those weren't yoga mats!
- Roz Focker: No.
- Dina Byrnes: Well, we're not twenty five... anymore.
- Roz Focker: But you're not dead either! Lots of couples our age lack intimacy...
- Dina Byrnes: I didn't say we weren't intimate, there are special occasions. Anniversaries and... well, on our anniversary.
- Roz Focker: Ay, yi, yi. Neesh geete!
- Dina Byrnes: I beg your pardon?
- Roz Focker: Not good!
- Roz Focker: Well you know, honey, many unplanned pregnancies happen because the man is such a sexual dynamo, and the woman craves his sperm on an unconscious but very powerful level.
- Greg Focker: Mm-hmm. Mom, I'm truely not comfortable having this conversation with you.
- Roz Focker: Tell me, what's going on with that man of yours?
- Dina Byrnes: Well, Jack's always been a little wound up. His job is very stressful.
- Roz Focker: Being a florist is stressful?
- Dina Byrnes: There's more to it than people think.
- Judge Ira: Bingo, Bango, Bongo!
- Roz Focker: The man is loose, he's limber, and he's ready for action.
- Roz Focker: Nah, I'm bored. Come on, Dina. You want a Spritzer?
- Dina Byrnes: What? Oh, a Spritzer. Sounds yummy.
- Roz Focker: How are things with you and Pam?
- Greg Focker: They're great.
- Roz Focker: They're great? Because after two years you have to work to keep things going. Does she still climax regularly?
- Greg Focker: Mom, you can't talk that way this weekend, okay?
- Roz Focker: Honey, I'm just saying I didn't raise you to be a so-so lover.
- Roz Focker: [about Greg's circumcision ceremony] See that's Greg getting circumcised.
- Bernie Focker: We had the ceremony at my parents' house. There was a cold snap and the heat conked out. Tell it.
- Roz Focker: The heater conked out. No matter how hard he tried, the mohel couldn't coax Greggie's tiny little turtle from it's shell.
- Greg Focker: You know what, let's not talk about the tiny turtle.
- [Jack and Bernie are arrived at home, looked at Little Jack holding the rum bottle with his glue hands, watching the movie Scarface on TV, shocked]
- Bernie Focker: There's someone you don't see every day.
- [Moses began to humping on Jinx's back]
- Jack Byrnes: Focker! Focker!
- [Greg enters with wearing moose antlers and a breast]
- Greg Focker: Okay. I know this is bad. But, I can explain.
- Jack Byrnes: What the hell happened? I said no monkey business!
- [Little Jack began to crying]
- Greg Focker: No! There's no monkey business.
- Jack Byrnes: No monkey business? You're wearing my breast!
- [Moses barking at Jinx, he gets off his back, Jinx hissing at Moses]
- Jack Byrnes: Little Jack is drinking, Moses is sodomizing Jinx and you're telling me there's no monkey business? What is going on here?
- [turns to Little Jack]
- Jack Byrnes: Are you all right, LJ?
- [Roz, Pam and Dina enters home]
- Roz Focker: Hello, we're home! Hey, guys!
- Jack Byrnes: [grabbing the rum bottle] Give me the bottle. Give me the bottle.
- Pam Byrnes: Oh, my god. What happened to Little Jack?
- Bernie Focker: Looks like his hands has stuck in the bottle of rum.
- Greg Focker: Thank you, dad.
- Jack Byrnes: You bet, they're stuck.
- Pam Byrnes: Greg? How did this happen?
- [sees his wearing antlers]
- Pam Byrnes: And why are you wearing antlers?
- Greg Focker: [takes his antlers off] It's... very complicated.
- Roz Focker: [sees the glue] It's just a little glue, he's fine.
- Jack Byrnes: He's not fine! If he could use of his hands, he'll tell you by himself!
- [to Little Jack]
- Jack Byrnes: All right, that's all right. Come on.
- [Little Jack continues crying]
- Pam Byrnes: Oh, Little Jack. Honey, are you okay? Greg?
- Jack Byrnes: Dina? Pam?
- Dina Byrnes: Yes, dad. I'm coming.
- Pam Byrnes: Little Jack?
- Roz Focker: [to Greg] Honey, I said a thimble. Not a bottle.