Bruce Brown credited as playing...
Narrator
- Narrator: If you get tired of riding your surf board in the Tweed River, you can always go body surfing in the Tweed River. But, past 40 miles an hour you have a tendency to loose your trunks. It also happens to be interesting if you hit one of those submerged stumps the river's known for.
- Narrator: Phil excels on getting the maximum speed out of his board. He really knows how to trim it up. About two-thirds of the way towards the nose is where most surf boards go the fastest. Stalls out. Plants himself two-thirds and really moves out.
- Narrator: They have a big problem in the water down and that's a problem with - sharks. The sharks have a bad habit of eating people. So, they have shark towers in the various beaches where lifeguards watch for sharks. They toot a horn and everyone comes to the beach - except the person the shark wanted for lunch.
- Narrator: He doesn't go in much for head dips and fancy things like that. He does get up in the nose, once in awhile. When he gets up to the nose, he always manages to get back off the nose again - which, of course, is the whole idea.
- Narrator: It only takes a couple of seconds to ride a wave like this, but it takes you a couple of weeks to get all the sand out of your ears.
- Narrator: All the beaches on the west coast are black sand. All the beaches on the east coast are white sand. Segregation.
- Narrator: He'd written in on the back of a Superman Comic Book, by return mail, he got what he wrote for - his "Like-Real" Instant Surfing Kit: guaranteed to make you a real surfing gremlin overnight. He had everything you needed to be accepted by the group: a pair of custom-made baggy, a book of vulgar swear words you could memorize to shout at people on the beach to give surfing a good name. A quick change into his custom-made baggies and he was beautiful. La-la-la-la-la. Still, he was missing a few important attributes to look like he thought a surfer should look. He was a little white. The kit provided some "Like-Real" instant man's tan. Now, this didn't take 3 or 4 hours to turn you yellow. It did its job almost immediately. A beautiful shade of gremlin tan. But, you needed more than a tan to be accepted by the group. If you don't surf, you won't have surfing bumps and, of course, all surfers have surfing bumps. The miracle of plastic these days has taken care of people... plastic surf bumps. And if you don't surf you don't know exactly where they go, but somewhere around the knee ought to fool most of the gremlins anyway... He was missing one important attribute that the girl he loved dearly at Malibu, Lily Lundwart, told him he needed: that was blond hair. All the gremlins thought they needed blond hair...
- Narrator: Around California, in recent years, there's a group who would like you to think they're surfers. The only thing they don't do - is surf.