Rizwan Manji: Salim Ali Khan

American Desi

Salim Ali Khan

Salim: All right, who's hungry? My mummy made some fantastic Chicken Tikka Masala.
[Opens container in front of Krishna's face]
Krishna: Oh god! Get that shit out of my face!

Jagjit: Hey Salim, did you ever see that episode of Gilligan's Island where the personalities got switched?
Salim: I know what you mean, somewhere in Jersey there is a black man driving around in a Honda Accord and praying to Lord Ganesh.

Jagjit: Hey Salim, did you see that movie, Kama Sutra? Rekha was in that one too, wasn't she?
Salim: Yeah she was so amazing. I hope my wife looks that good when she gets to that age.
Jagjit: Didn't see play a prostitute in that one, too?
Salim: Listen, chutiyah, this is the last time I'm going to tell you...
Jagjit: No, no, no wait, she played a teacher. She taught others how to be prostitutes.

Salim: [while discussing Jagjit's future Sister-in-law] She's from here? Oh. Then maybe you should get him an Indian cookbook, unless he likes eating out. You should see one of my cousins, she lives here, she tried to make some rice and burnt the whole thing. I mean come on, yaar, how hard is it to boil rice? At least with a girl from India, you know she can cook.

Jagjit: You wouldn't even consider marrying an Indian girl from here?
Salim: Who needs all that hassle when you come back from work?
[mockingly]
Salim: "Salim, let's go out to dinner! I'm too tired to cook. I work, too."
Jagjit: Not all Indian girls are like that.
Salim: You've seen them with those Goras. I mean when will they learn how to cook a decent home meal?

Jagjit: Look at this place! Can you believe there's this many freshmen?
Salim: It's going to be a very tough year, yaar. We're going to have to study much harder to beat the curve.
Ajay: You're at a goddamn party bitch! Fa'get about ya curve! Let's go get some desi booty!

Jagjit: Here we go with the corrupt Indian girl routine.
Salim: That's right, all Indian girls in America become corrupt. You saw Farah at the party, the way she was dressed. Just imagine if her daddy saw her. The poor guy would have a heart attack.
Jagjit: Why don't you give her a chance Salim, maybe there is more to her than that?
Salim: No way. She's been hunting me down like anything. Everywhere I go there she is, in the class, at the hall, at that stupid party. I'm already feeling like I'm married. Pretty soon she's gonna be asking to
[mockingly]
Salim: carry her makeup!

[Watching Hindi Movies]
Krishna: This is driving me crazy!... It's been 10 minutes, aren't we due for another song-and-dance sequence?
[Song-and-dance sequence begins]
Krishna: Good I was starting to get worried... What is this? The next day? They've all changed clothes!... I've seen porno films with better storylines than this, honestly!
[Rakesh and Nina leave in aggravation]
Jagjit: Good job, yaar. Insulting Hindi films and admitting to watching Porno.
Salim: Maybe next time you can mention your bout with gonorrhea.

Ajay: Maybe the coconut bhaisaab is color blind and God stuck your prophet ass here to enlighten him. I mean, you see his face when you whipped out that stank chicken, yo? Nigga went crazy! He was like...
Salim: My mummy cooked that chicken bhenchod!