Stacy Keach: Ken Titus

Titus

Ken Titus

Christopher Titus: Bad news has never been broken gently in my family. Because, breaking it gently takes a few extra seconds. And who's got that kinda time? Hey, we maybe failures, but we are very busy.
[flashback]
Ken Titus: I got a little story I wanna tell you. Once upon a time, your dog got hit by a truck this morning!

[about his girlfriend, Erin]
Christopher Titus: When we first got together, Dad thought the relationship was a *huge* mistake.
Ken Titus: [in flashback] I think this relationship is a huge mistake. Take it from a guy who's been married a *lot*. You'll regret the day you ever moved in together. You are in for a nightmare!
[cut to show he's talking to Erin]

Ken: I don't go straight for the ten. I go for the six and drink 'til she's an eight!

Christopher Titus: Pfft, math. Who needs it? I spent my time in school memorizing things I could use. Like The California State Mental Health Code Requirement For The Declaration Of Commitment Of A Loved One, which is as follows: Causing harm to others.
[flashback]
Christopher Titus: [shows Juanita hitting Ken in the head with a frying pan]
[end Flashback]
Christopher Titus: Causing harm to self
[flashback]
Christopher Titus: [young Christopher knocks on bathroom door]
10 - Year Old Titus: Mom, Are you ready yet?
Juanita Titus: [opens the door, having shaved a huge lock of hair off the top of her head] I'll be ready in a minute, I'm just fixing my doo. Give this to your father
[handing young Christopher the lock of hair]
Juanita Titus: .
[end Flashback]
Christopher Titus: Destruction of Property
[flashback]
Christopher Titus: [young Christopher and Ken Titus are looking out the window at their car on fire in the driveway]
Ken Titus: We needed a new car anyway.

Christopher Titus: Dad, you're safe here, you're among friends, okay? I just want you to know that I give you my - my love and my forgiveness.
Ken Titus: Great. I'll put that in my tool shed with all the other crap I don't use.

[bursting into a hung-over Chris' room]
Ken Titus: You wanna tell me why my car is parked at such an odd angle on the porch across the street?

Christopher Titus: It should be a law. Everyone should have to own a gun. In fact, if you get caught outside your house without your gun, you get a ticket. And you get shot in the leg. Just to prove their point.
Christopher Titus: Think about it. There'd be no more car jackings.
Tommy Shafter: [Tommy's car is being robbed by a guy with crowbar, the carjacker shouts "Get out of the car!", Tommy shoots the carjacker] Get out of the street!
Christopher Titus: Bag boys would be more courteous.
Ken Titus: [Ken is at the supermarket, the bag boy puts bread in a bag, then drops a six-pack on the bread. Ken shoots the bag boy] It's canned goods first, then bread!
Christopher Titus: And people in general would just be a lot friendlier.
Erin Fitzpatrick: [after a guy cuts to the front of the line, Erin shoots him] No cuts!
Christopher Titus: I want everybody to get behind this law. Because the first couple of years, a lot of us are gonna die!

Ken Titus: Erin is a keeper. She's the kind of woman you could maybe spend six or seven years with.

Ken Titus: Are you not getting this? Geez! I thought Asi-Entals were supposed to be smart!
Nancy: We are, I just love the way he thinks *round eye!*
Ken Titus: [laughs hysterically] Round eye...
[realizes he's been ridiculed]

Erin Fitzpatrick: You let a car fall on him. I still don't know what that taught him.
Ken Titus: Cars are heavy.
Erin Fitzpatrick: Everybody knows that.
Ken Titus: So does he, thanks to me.

[Ken is about to pick up a hitchhiker]
Christopher Titus: C'mon, dad, it's one A.M. in the middle of the desert! She's either a werewolf or an alien!
Ken Titus: Well, maybe she came to our planet to see if there's life in my pants!